Lost but NEVER Forgotten

Today I am missing so many special people that I have lost. Some from illness, others from tragic unexpected accidents, some from life’s paths taking us different directions, some that I chose to walk away from in a self preservation effort and some that have walked away from me for reasons only they fully know. 


My heart hurts. I am not good with loss. I guess no one really is. I am not sure why some days it hits me so hard. Mostly it’s experiencing another loss that throws me back into the depths of sadness. Other days it can be a song playing unexpectedly that has some overwhelming extremely heartfelt memories in it. I go back to yesterday so quickly and wish I could just experience a few more moments with that special person.


VA – how I wish I could hear your laugh, see your smile and hug you. I loved your super charged energy and zest that made everyday an adventure. I miss you terribly.  Cancer sucks!


KL – your sweetness and acceptance was amazing to me. You truly treasured me and my son, it hurts that he never knew you. Cancer again, sucks!


KM – you helped me to hear the music in the music. You helped me to appreciate the simply life and sitting down to just be. You taught me that family ties are stronger than any other.


BB – your little life ended way too soon. My heart grieves over the dreams that you never lived out. I will never understand why God takes babies and children from their mothers.


MH– never fully understood the fade that happened and wish I had recovered from it very differently than I did. I wish we would have talked more about what was happening in our lives because I believe we would have been able to help each other.


JP– you challenged me and made me think. You never let me get away with any thought without consideration of why I had it. I loved the back and forth debating and banter.


BJ – For the lasting memories that I carry with me for the rest of my life. I look back on much of it with a bit of a blur – it came and went so quickly but lasted so long. How I wish I had at some point had really known you completely.  So much of YOU was edited out ahead of time.


TC – Growing up happened too fast for you, then there was loss. I often wish I could have been stronger for you or known how to better help. It's devestating to me that your decisions to avoid difficult situations have also taken you away from the treasures and rewards those challenges brought.


MB – My kids would have adored you. I am so proud of you – your strength, your character, your giving nature, your faith.


KC – to the child that grew up much too fast. I didn’t realize how quickly it was happening and wish I would have savored more.  I am sorry I took my eye off the ball for a while and lost focus and the closeness we once had. 


I hope each of you knows how very much I have loved you. Each of you have been significant to me and helped me to find myself in the whirlwind of life. I wish I had more time with you to show you that I was paying attention and learned from you.

Know Me By My Heart

I take pride in being an open book. I live my life as such that there are no secrets. I lay my good, bad and ugly out there for everyone to see. I sing my praises when things go well; I share my triumphs, tragedies and terrors. As a little girl, my outspoken disposition was sometimes considered unmannered or outrageous. My brother would be drop his jaw at the things I would say without a hesitation and my Mom would correct me for being so abrupt with a quick toned “Kelly Jo!!”

I have to say that over the years I learned to hold back my thoughts, feelings and concerns more – mostly due to a feeling that I was giving too much of myself to those around me (maybe to a few that didn't deserve such honesty). But as I continue to grow and age…I am starting to see that I respect honesty, openness, and communication in those around me much more than any other trait. I have been shocked recently by learning some ‘secrets’ that were kept hidden by someone closest to me..by either deception or omission, it doesn’t matter. I was not given the whole story, the whole truth, and the whole person. A gut wrenching ache has been speaking to me for quite some time. This intuitive spirit that I have, I believe, is God’s way of telling me to watch closely and protect myself.


I am sad that more people around me aren’t more forth coming with their history, their mistakes, and their downfalls. I find the flaws in the human spirit tender, enduring.  There is a realness in honesty that humbles the heart and can be a great source of strength. I believe that unless you can admit to wrongs - you will never learn from them or be better because of them. I believe anything hidden or kept in darkness will eventually shrivel up and die – secrets of the heart will do eventually cause your soul to die and your spirit to be weak. I worry so much that the key to many people’s hearts are thrown away and remain locked forever by the secrets they keep. 

I will always share what is on my heart. Not as an imposition or effort to be vain…but mostly because I love you and want you to know me by my heart. Please do the same for me.

25 Random Things About Me

I came across this that I wrote in Feb of 2009.  A LOT has changed in my life since I wrote this...but so good to know that I am still ME!  All of these things are still so very true to me.  I am glad I wrote this down almost 2 yrs ago.  I look around so many times and see that the character, values and morals of people change with the times or crowds.  I am proud to say - my core is pure and true.

1. Spring is my favorite season - I love the beginning it brings to so many beautiful things. I think planting bulbs in the fall is a sign of someone who thinks about things in advance. I think flowers make a home look happy.


2. I am not a big Halloween fan - I think its creepy & seems odd to go door to door asking for candy in the dark. I also hate to be scared - Haunted houses aren't my thing, cannot understand paying to end up terrified and fearful. I don't like the rush of fear in my body, I worry that it does damage to my heart that cannot be repaired.

3. I LOVE to read ~ have many books on my list - all categories and types - fiction, self help, non fiction, biographies, how to's, etc. I wish I had more hours in a day and needed less sleep so that I could get to them all quicker.
4. I miss having co-workers to run to lunch with or laugh about silly things that happen at work. Some of my greatest friends have been co-workers.

5. My greatest fear is loss. I can't bare the thought of losing someone close to me. I have lost some and still not over it.

6. I could eat tacos 3 times a week

7. I would love to entertain more in my home - friends and family are very important to me, I think we gather too infrequently. I think this would also push us to keep our house more picked up!!!

8. I overthink things. I analyze words. I look for agendas, hear intentions and sense insincerity. I try to not insult, confront, or be misinterpreted in anything I say. I am better at communicating in writing because it allows me to edit.

9. I love the smell of lemons. I would rather wear fragarance of fruits & sweet foods, than to smell like flowers.

10. My kids are growing up too fast. I miss seeing Kameron every day and hearing about his life on a regular basis, my time with connor is too short now that he is in school for the day and Katherine is almost 2!! I go to bed at night and wish I had more time with each of them that day.

11. I think my list of 25 things would be very different on a day that I was more energized. Some days I am more reflective, other days a little more goal oriented, then some days I am full of vigor and enthusiasm. Today is a low energy day.

12. I am a great organizer...I love new years because it is also the beginning of new things (like spring)...It is a starting over point and helps me to begin new projects and make new goals. I don't like to hesitate. I try to make decisions and move. I get frustrated when things are delayed because of indecisiveness or fear.

13. I am a worrier. I worry about people (especially family), schedules (like to know the plan in advance), details, interpretations, misunderstandings, feelings, time restraints, cleanliness & germs, the safetly and health of my kids, their developmental progress, their activities and how we are shaping their little lives and minds, I worry about my friends that are quiet or I havent heard from, my grandmother being lonely. I worry about people I see on the news that were victims of a crime, loss or tragedy. I worry about the underdog feeling defeated again and the teenager that is feeling alone, I worry about our future, our world and the ecomony. I worry about the layoffs affecting people I care about and so much more. I feel it all inside - some say its compassion, which I guess sounds better than worry.

14. I would love to own a boat - but not a big swimmer! Lakes are icky to me and the ocean is scarey. I don't enjoy swimming with anything other than people...like seaweed, fish, turtles or anything else around my toes. I am not a good swimmer and prefer to be in a pool where I can touch the bottom and just stand or wade.

15. A good tomato is like dessert to me!! But my dessert weakness is chips ahoy with m&m's.

16. I like to be behind the camera lens, rather than in front of it. But having family photos and candids are important to include all of us. Its too rare that we are all 6 together at once, so I treasure those pictures I have with everyone in them.

17. I am shy and a little insecure - but I love people...I a handful of close friends but always wish I had more close friends than aquaintances.

18. I don't share feelings openly but never assume that I don't feel deeply. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with emotion that its hard to breath. I think crying is used to manipulate too often and sometimes can be perceived as weak - so I avoid talking about things that hurt my heart. I don't like to look mushy or too sensitive, so I keep a lot inside. I feel, care and love much deeper than most - just not sure how to let you know it.

19. I can't stand watching the news and hearing stories that are horrific or sad that I can do nothing about. It is too frustrating to me to know such sadness, evil or hatred exists and all I can do about it is hurt.

20. I love the sound of words. It's amazing to me how a picture can be drawn with words. Some words are so descriptive that you only need a few, but I always use too many. Listening to certain people speak is entertaining to me.

21. I want my children to know me better than anyone. Most of the words I write in journals are for them.

22. I could be a life long student...but would constantly be changing my major...when I learn a little about something I find interesting I want to know everything I can about it. I like to be an expert, not to be the go-to person, but more so just to quench a thirst of my own.

23. I try to avoid people that are negative, whiney or complainers. I think gossip is a waste of energy. I believe that there are some people you just can't pull out of a funk and I believe that some people just need to decide to be happy.

24. I believe in teaching by example. I believe your actions definitely speak louder than words. I also encourage life lessons to be injected into everyday conversation with children to help them in life.

25. Kameron helped to make me who I am today, he was my inspiration and drive when I was too young or distracted to know where I should go. I believe that Kameron is truly one of the smartest people I will ever know. Connor is my entertainer - he makes me laugh, amuses me with stories and touches my heart with his love for friends & family. Katherine came at the perfect time - I needed peace and stillness, she calms me and slows me down. She was proof to me that God had faith in me and wasn't giving up on me. My children are my treasures...you can have everything I own but I would not trade a single moment with them for anything in this world.

Kelly

Recreating Myself

Taken from Grey's Anatomy season premiere.  I love this view - I recently had a similar conversation with my brother about the 7 year recreation theory.  Then this episode aired and said it perfectly!!

"Every cell in the human body regenerates, on average, every 7 yrs. Like snakes, in our own way, we shed our skin. Biologically we're brand new people. We may look the same, we probably do. The change isn't physically, at least not in most of us. But we're all changed completely, forever."

"When we say things like people don't change, it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the one constant in science. Energy, matter - its always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. Its the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication - that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change is up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a 2nd chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips...it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again."

Wow - isn't that exciting!!!

Keeping My Head Above Water

My kids are off with their Dad this weekend. Hard to get use to having 'Me Time' for 6-8 hours at a time. Yesterday I spent most of my time being down, wandering about town trying to fill my quiet. Today I am indulging more in the actual ME part of ME TIME!! I spent a good part of the day studying my camera manual, not super exciting, but something I wanted to do for a LONG time and so it feels rewarding. Then I had a late lunch of heated up pizza (added big spoonfuls of tomato sauce and olives to make it MY pizza) and watched DVR'd episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. I lounged in my jammies til 5:00pm...stayed off the computer for the most part (except a quick idea email to my Mom - can't go a day without emailing my Mom). And I just now got out of a wonderful dinnertime bubble bath. Feels strange to take a bubble bath at 5:00 in the evening, but also felt very indulgent at the same time!! I used a fabulous bottle of Philosophy brand Margarita scented bubbles that I received from my friend Dolly, for my birthday. The smell was amazing - little bit of lime zip and a hint of 'take it easy' in the air.

I always get into the bath as the water is still filling. I love to watch the bubbles multiply around my toes. I think the most peaceful part of the bath is while the water is running - I think it's because it drowns out any other noises in the house. Today there weren't any noises except the dryer spinning my freshly washed sheets. But, I still enjoyed the fill process. After the water was to its max point and I turned the knob off which made the house sounds silent. I pulled my head into the water and stayed there for as long as I could, so that I wouldn't realize the quiet. When I came up for air, it was odd because I somehow felt I was still under water.

You know when you swim underwater - it's peaceful and quiet (almost as if in slow motion)...but when you pop up for air, you realize all the sounds - laughing, splashing, talking - that you missed while underneath. That's what my life feels like, sometimes. I am living this life with my kids, on my own. We do alright and have a good time together, making memories and going through our days...but then I must come up for air. I don't always want to - I much prefer the slow motion, dreamlike feel of escaping from the world around me, with only my children.

Then sometimes, it feels like I am underwater by myself and the kids are up running about - laughing, talking, splashing - with their Daddy Those times underwater aren't so peaceful for me.

While I know this time alone is good for me to process, decompress and have quiet time to myself, it's hard to relax when things aren't as they should be. It's no fun swimming alone. I am ready for the time to come where I get to come up for air. When I can hear the laughing, talking and the splashing again.

Artificial and Toxic Ingredients

There are some things that are obviously NOT healthy for us. Other things are more subtle. I am extremely aware of what is healthy and what is not lately. Paying close attention to food contents - artificial colors and flavors, preservatives and other ingredients, pesticide ratings in produce, sugar and sodium, fat, and most recently meat. It really has become finally almost second nature to check things out before I purchase them and I am building a 'safe' database in my brain-filing system!!

Focusing on removing artificial ingredients and toxic contents can also be done when it comes to relationships. I am FINALLY learning to stop doing out of obligation. I am learning to remove myself and my kids if a situation is uncomfortable or unhealthy. I am learning that "No" can be a full sentence and starting to actually speak in one sentence paragraphs!! It is a hard transition and the relationships that are most toxic are resisting this change in me. Luckily the friends and family that love me most genuinely are super encouraging cheerleaders!

I've been so busy lately trying to get my life in order and organizing things helps me to feel less chaotic inside. I have cleaned out & de-cluttered my home - closets, drawers, shelves, cabinets, files, kids toys, clothes, linens and more. Now I have reached another part of my re-organizing, cleaning up my relationships. This one is definitely the most taxing yet.

Should go hand in hand

Nothing can get you down more than a pathetic balance in your checking account and a kid in the back seat that wants to order more at Sonic than you have the cash to cover. My world feels so heavy when I am broke. I talked him out of it but HATE kids knowing that we don't 'have the money'...it's a burden they should not be loaded down by. I went ahead and bought myself a small cherry limeade (thinking I could add vodka later!). I am boiling potatoes now for my dinner - that actually sounds pretty good to me. But, on the way home those damn tears started flowing...unexplainable sadness is heavy on me today.

I have applied for so many ridiculous jobs lately. Because I gave up my telecom-well-paying job 8 years ago, the telecom positions feel so foreign to me. I am not familiar with the terms anymore or the 'jargon'. So I search for flexible/part time and retail junk - all that I am way too qualified for but still only get rejection letters (without even an interview). Surely it's the economy right!?! My creditentials are good, my employer history top notch. But I am taking it all so personally. Feeling so unwanted. I feel like I have taken so many step backwards.

Now I find myself depending on my soon-to-be Mr. Ex - financially. I have to say that he is extremely patient and understanding about the job market. He encourages me to leave things as is and just continue to stay home with the kids til my youngest is a little older. He says things like, "I will always take care of my family". The hard part of that statement is that I am actually not what he is referring to - family - that means his kids. If I am their care-giver, then I am the one that manages the account - for the kids.

I am such an independent person...have overcome serious hardships all on my own in the past. I have tackled some amazing hurdles - many times without murmuring a word to anyone. Well now I am feeling defeated. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially...I always took care of myself and have felt good knowing that I was capable of this, if I ever needed to do so again. Marriage was not about him taking care of me...it was supposed to be a partnership...us taking care of each other. It's a shame to me that in the end the only thing that he really was willing to let me depend on him for was financial. The ONE thing I didn't care about, and now need him for. It's a strange position to be in too - knowing that I am the future Mrs. Ex but still depending on him for what he is willing to give. The sad part is - I would rather have nothing than to need someone for financial help. I would much rather know that I can depend on someone for love, support, comfort, friendship and cheerleading. I would rather have a HUSBAND than a husband's checkbook.

Why is it easier to share your paycheck than to share your heart? Seems like it should go hand in hand. Matthew 6:20-21 "Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroy nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure lies, that is where your heart lies also."

Ending - With a Bang

It's the 4th of July weekend...Celebration time, right!?! Not so much for me, internally. This is the weekend that I was asked to be a wife, to share my life and to put my dreams in his hands...all those years ago. Just after fireworks, we walked to the end of the island, under a full moon and a ring was placed on my finger!

He has kept his ring on all this time. I always wondered if it were a loyalty thing, a task just put off, or if he was in denial. Now, on the anniversary of our engagement, I see that he has removed his ring. This one hurts.

Not sure if it's the timing of the move or the finality of it.

Always Say Grace

With a super-pathetic balance in my bank account and a pantry low on options, today's lunch was a creative challenge.

Never before have I been so thankful for an extra large apple that I could slice to serve 3. I mixed up the last of a box of mashed potatoes (ugh - if my friends, that I am always sharing the evils of packaged foods knew I was serving powdered mashed potatoes, they would NEVER let me live this down) and frozen broccoli. Yep, that was lunch - apples, mashed potatoes and broccoli. Surprisingly the kids didn't complain a bit. They ate better than usual.

I am writing this today to help me remember to always say GRACE. At times of scraps and times of plenty!!
"Thank you for the food we are about to eat, please bless our bodies with good health and full bellies!"

The kids wanted and deserved dessert after lunch. They never complained about my lack of creativity on the meal so of course I immediately said "sure!" when they asked for treats. Oops - time to get creative again.
Thank God my kids can be convinced that dried apricots are dessert!!! I have the best kids in the world. It is another happy day. :)

**Disclaimer for my Mom or friends that have that motherly instinct...This is not a common situation, we never would go hungry - I PROMISE we would call you if things were bad!!! This was something I wrote previously and am now posting because it's a new day - no worries!!

Joyful Noise

This morning katherine was talking to me with a a happy little lilt and melodic tone to her voice...she sounded like she was singing as she spoke. It sparked an idea!!! I sang out, "let's have a day where everything we say, we say singing!" (imagine a very bad opera featuring women and children of no musical talent!!) I just wanted to make a silly fun way to start the day on a happy note. (pun intended - my humor is about as lame as my opera).

I remember when Kameron was younger and I would hear him whistling. It made me feel good. I knew by the whistle that he was happy. It's just not possible to whistle when you are sad. I think singing with kids is the same way...even if you are down, once you start singing you WILL get lifted up!! So I love days when we turn up the music and dance around. We make up silly moves and slide around in our socks. We sing loudly as if we had great voices or knew all the words and we make fun memories.

Today the kids both giggled at me when I suggested that we sing our conversations. But, they jumped on board without hesitation...I looked at Connor and sang (in a high pitched soprano) "Connor - Will you please join us in a day where everything we say, we say singing!?!?"

He looks at me and shakes his head as if to say 'she's crazy!'. Then he grins and replies in his own little sing-songy voice, "noo-oh!" Ah ha - that kid is a treasure. Some days just feel perfect. I really do love my life - even with the chaos and changes going on in the background of it...my life is the best. My kids are amazing and they make ordinary days feel like Christmas and bring out a song in me when it's the last thing I thought I would be doing as I make my coffee.

I still remember a day when I was little when my Mom decided that we needed to have a parade. I grabbed my baton, my brother grabbed his trumpet and Mom had a tamborine. We all marched around the house in and out of every room!!! We sang Mickey Mouse club and anything else we could think of. I still giggle when I think of that day. We laughed, made our own music and sang silly songs that will play back in my mind forever. I wish I had a picture of that day!!!

This one is for you Grandma Bailey -

as I know the joyful noise we make would have made you so very happy to sing along.

"In my heart there rings a melody,

There rings a melody

with heaven's harmony;

In my heart there rings a melody;

There rings a melody of love!"

bloom where you are planted

At last, a small little tomato is growing!!! It's exciting to me to see the 'fruits' starting to appear. I went out to water my little babies this morning and always poke around for any new developments...and I believe I gasped as I saw a tiny little tomato. I ran in to share the joy with the kids, who came out running to check it out.

I know it's all part of the way it is supposed to happen....plant, care, fruit...but I feel so rewarded. I had this little fear in the back of my mind that our tomatoes would not grow or that I would do something wrong and we would lose the plants all together. I can remember several nights of stormy weather or strong winds, getting up in the middle of the night to put my precious pots down on the ground, so they wouldn't blow over. I have dreaded drought like weeks and watered carefully. I didn't want anything to ruin our future bounty of bright red juicy tomatoes.

Today God again reminded me that all is well. It's these little glimmers of hope that show up around me every day that I am so thankful for. Life is very much like growing tomatoes. You plant a small garden (build a life), by selecting the best soil (foundation, partner, home). You carefully entrust your seeds (dreams) and plant them. Storms come, the heat gets turned on (struggles) and you adjust...change up the way you are growing. And just when you get sidetracked or distracted with something else...your dreams start appearing as reality (a tiny little green tomato).

I am feeling this happen to me, as I have been struggling with changes in my life and plans. I kept going, made new dreams and took care of those dreams, plans and hopes. I am now finally starting to see the beginnings of fruit and it inspires me to keep going...maybe plant some more garden varieties!!

Are you a Purple Girl?

Mom gave me some fun purple sandals for my birthday, a beautiful necklace and fun toenail polish too!! She always has a way of perking up my wardrobe. I could always count on Mom to help me to remember that the girlie things ARE important and really shouldn't be crossed out of the budget...ever!! I believe Katherine got all her girlie style from my Mom!!

Mom joked about how I may not be a 'purple girl' and Katherine picked up on that right away..."Mommy, ARE you a Purple Girl?" She found this question very important as she has asked me this a few times since then...and it comes up at the oddest times.

I believe that purple is a color of passion. Which for far too long has been lacking from both my life and my wardrobe. I went through a stage when I was about 10 years old, where everything I owned was LAVENDER!! I outgrew that when family got word of my new love and started buying me everything-purple. When Kameron and I lived alone I had a house full of colorful, flowery pictures - purples, pinks, greens, yellows, blues...anything colorful and happy!!! Over the years, I began to edit out the 'girlie' to make room for a man, his son and soon to be another son of my own. I have missed the happy colors in my house and now realizing I missed it in my clothes too!!

I love that Mom picked purple for my fun new sandals!!! Just the other day, a dear friend showed up with a Macy's bag!!! She wanted to give me a gift (which was quite out of the blue). Almost teary over the generosity, I listened to her explain...she was once a single mom and relates to how we usually put ourselves last...she also explained that she knew that IF I did get a way to spend a little - that I would spend on my kids first. TRUE!!! She bought ME two beautiful tops - just because!!! She apparently had also noticed a lack of color and style in my clothing - One is a gorgeous colorful floral print and another white with purple embroidered flowers. Wow, I exclaimed..."I love these!!" I explained how I never seem to have something a little more dressy than a t-shirt and capris, which was totally obvious to anyone who knows me. And shared with her how I have been trying to add some color to my world but usually can't justify more than a t-shirt or tank. She did a wonderful job picking out some great tops for me that are so color happy!!!!! Thanks my sweet and thoughtful friend.

The best part...the white and purple one matches my PURPLE GIRL sandals!!! Katherine is thrilled. :)

It is time that this Mama reconnects to my girlie girl side, jumps into purple and finds my passion!!!

Message from a Seed and Two Farmers

Lately I have been working VERY hard around the house to clean out miscellaneous items that I don't need, want or use. Each week I have focused on one room and completely tore that room up - as I sorted, trashed, organized. (Now my garage is full of stuff for consignment sales, donations, garage sales or to go to friends/family).

The other day was the day to tackle my closet and dresser. I enjoyed reminiscing as I stumbled across things I have tucked in my drawers or jewelry box over the years. The kids baby teeth, notes, locks of baby hair, pictures, cards and more. I had forgotten that I had a necklace that use to belong to my Grandma Bailey. On first glance it doesn't appear to have much value...but I know it holds GREAT value, to those that know the story...

It's a tiny little clear ball with a mustard seed inside it. Grandma was a woman of amazing faith, strength and perseverance. She loved the verse Matthew 17:20 "He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I needed this reminder!!!!

Today as I cleaned, I popped in a rented movie for the kids to watch. I rented this the same day that I found the necklace. The movie is called "Facing the Giants". I rented it because it was #1) PG #2) sounded like it was about overcoming #3) the kids needed something to do. I realized today that this was actually a movie produced by a Christian studio...it was very obvious as they openly discussed The Bible, God's plans and faith (not something you would EVER seen in a theatre movie). The story was simple, acting not so great and very predictable plot - but it had our attention. It was refreshing to hear a father quote scripture to his son to help life him up. A coach teaching kids to play with heart and character. Some good quotes in this movie...

"Your attitude is like the aroma of your heart. If your attitude stinks, it means your heart's not right."

"Your actions will always follow your beliefs."

"You're not doing anybody any favors by sitting on the fence. Determine which side you want to be on and stay on it."

"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way."

But the message I heard the loudest was during a scene when two characters discussed how prayer didn't seem to be working. One man tells the other a story.

There are two farmers, both are praying for rain.

The first farmer prays and prays - while the second farmer prays and then goes out to prepare his fields. The man telling the story says,

'Both farmers pray for rain but only one prepares to receive it!

Which farmer has more faith?

Which one are you?'

He WILL send the rain...you can count on that. It's time to prepare to receive it.

I get it!!! God is speaking to me & I am listening...first the mustard seed, as a message to have faith. Then He tells me to get ready, He is going to provide blessings...the rain IS coming, I have to prepare to receive it!!!

Okay - now I have a whole new to do list! Very exciting!!!!

Some days are just good!!!

It's Organic - Friendship!!

On yard work days I always wear pink!!! It's my way of making the job feel more empowering. While I actually do have a sense of pride once I've finished and look over the manicured lawn...but I still grit my teeth, as I push the mower and wipe sweat off my brow (while also peeking in on kids, moving a trampoline and gathering up Nerf bullets to avoid another job of cleaning up scattered pieces). It's not so much the work as it is the reminder of the fact that this is one more job that now, I have to take on. I am generally up to the challenge of a job, especially one that feels so organic! But with the rigged equipment and tools that I inherited along with my new job - I am not so eager. I just can't seem to figure out what the tricks and quirks are of this equipment that also seems to resent the fact that I am now doing the job!

I have begun asking for some inexpensive referrals to hire out the job, once I can figure out where that money will come from. As a result, a few friends have offered to help me out. One day my sweet friend called up and explained..."My son needs to be some one's blessing and we picked you...so we are coming over tomorrow to mow your yard." I was stunned. She had to do some convincing and to help me look at getting help with a new perspective. It's a new thing to me to not be completely self sufficient within my own home or family. It is not at all an ego, I just am not yet comfortable accepting help outside of family - part of my 'dream' was to be a self sustaining family that would create a community of our own, within our home...So now it's just another part of accepting the new road I am on and the new roles that people will have. The crazy thing is that accepting this kind of caring and love from FRIENDS is very uncomfortable for me...I am not sure why?? But God has decided that I need to get comfortable with it because He has given me some really amazing friends and they keep coming with labors of love, gifts of the heart and words of wisdom that help me get through hard days.

One weekend I had a knock on my door...a girlfriend with a big bag of fresh Texas produce (garlic, limes, cilantro, onions, tomatoes, avocados). It was beautiful and fresh from the farmers market!!! This touched my heart far more than she even knew...not only fact that it was a nice gift but that she KNEW ME so well that she knew the PERFECT gift for ME. Later, another friend had homemade strawberry preserves fresh from her kitchen for me and the kids - YUMMY!!! Pure and natural - both in the gifts and the reasons behind them. It just is so simple but means so much to me.

I remember sitting in my counselor's office several months back...giving it my all to make things work. I was in tears but tried my best to explain what made me so sad. I wanted to be KNOWN, I wanted to feel loved and to be shown it...in ways that showed you know me. I secretly had wished for a little romantic movie scene of my own, where the man does his best to explain why he needs her and then spells out all the idiosyncrasies and oddities that make her special to him. I have felt so overlooked, avoided, resented and neglected that I was beginning to question my own worth. There was a turning point that soon followed when I realized that I was NOT VALUED...and now I am learning that does NOT reflect on my WORTH!!!

Yesterday I was showered with love from so many different directions...first, my beautiful Mom with an early birthday gift to make life more fun and more importantly time with me and the kids. Then a friend of a friend tells me I have an herb garden coming that was made especially for me (I barely know this person - how did she know I wanted to grow my own herb garden!?), a girlfriend comes over and brings dinner & dessert, a couple shows up to do my yard work, my neighbor down the street comes to offer handyman help, another neighbor stops by to say she wants to take me to lunch next week, another calls and invites me and the kids to join them at the lake. I was seriously so overwhelmed with emotion that I broke down. I cried and cried as I hugged one of my angels - It's just incredible to me how much people really do love me, that aren't even family!!! Sometimes I am so blown away by friendships that I just cannot even breathe. What a joy it brings to me inside...when I sit at the end of the day and recount the outpouring of love...love that seems to flow so freely from those that REALLY do feel it and aren't even being asked to show it. It's GOOD STUFF and it's exactly what I needed.

Stuffing the 'Stuff'

Today I spent some time on clutter & stuff. Amazing what comes out when you talk with a friend in passing about a possible garage sale!!! Thank God today my girlfriend was upbeat, motivated and ready to kick my butt!!! She wouldn't take no for an answer when it came to a brisk walk (beginning form of exercise!!). She pushed me a bit hard to walk & talk with her about what it is that is holding me back to be in better shape. I at first played dumb..."Well, I just don't know? I eat right, better than most people I know..I am constantly on the move...I understand and value nutrition, balance and healthy living...I even work hard to teach my children, family & friends about being healthy, I am focused on removing all forms of unhealthy from my life too"?!? At first I decided that I have a physical aliment, that the primary symptom is weight gain & that has yet to be properly diagnosed (more tests pending). But the more I talked, the more I realized that I am holding on to 'stuff' and dealing with it means going through some pain, sadness, sweat and being uncomfortable.

Our discussion moved to letting go of the 'stuff', which turned our more psychological discussion into more concrete and tangible 'stuff'. She wants to have a garage sale to clear out some of her 'stuff'. I am always up for a profit and can find things easily to part with...so I was all in. As I started looking around at things I realized that most of the stuff that NEEDS to go are things that I am holding out of obligation. (Either the real owner didn't have a place for it, hadn't taken it yet, had given to me as a gift or wanted to discard it themselves but couldn't bare with the fact that it would be 'discarded' so they passed it my way). I have countless items that fall into the OBLIGATION category. My friend and I turned back on the psychology light as we began to try to ask...

why am I carrying everyone else's 'stuff' ??

And what would happen if I just stopped.

So much of what makes me feel out of place, overwhelmed or stressed -

DOESN'T EVEN BELONG TO ME!!!

Since I am the ultimate WORD GIRL - I love the sound, meaning and history behind words...so I looked up "obligation" to see if I could figure out more why I have a sense of obligation to this 'stuff'. As I searched 'Wikipedia' I learned that obligation is closely related to 'duty'. While obligation is a requirement to take some course of action, duty is more of a sense of moral commitment to someone or something. The 'duty' behind an obligation is what drives us into action, and less about passive feelings or mere recognition. I learned too that duty motivated obligatory actions can also be used to describe 'owing'. We all know how awful it is to feel as if you OWE someone...almost as bad as being in DEBT, but that is exactly what it is...the next word is debt.

So as I try to make sense out of this I see that this is the path Duty - Obligation - Owing - Debt. UGH!!!! Ick!!! I have worked so hard NOT to have DEBT. I have been so outspoken about how credit cards and other debt can rob you of happiness, freedom and life. ("The borrower is slave to the lender" - Proverbs 22:7 - it makes a slave/master relationship). Now I am putting myself into that same situation...it just has to stop.

I realized too that by holding things out of obligation that I am robbing myself of having the things I really do need and want!!! So, my plan for tomorrow...to take steps to sort, return, give away, recycle, sell or trash some of this debt. It doesn't mean that I don't value the relationship with the person tied to the item (owner or giver) - instead it means that I am freeing myself to have a better relationship with them. A relationship that is not tied to 'stuff' but instead, is focused on - what I am to them, what they are to me, memories we have shared, acts of love they have shown...those are the real motivators to me anyways. Time to move the 'stuff' (also meaning 'matter', I looked it up!).

I am letting go of stuff that just doesn't matter!!!!

Kate Plus 8 - Love or Hate, I Relate!!

Kate Gosselin is back! Her TLC "Kate Plus Eight" premiered tonight. I have been looking forward to this day since the end of the previous show. I have always loved Kate. I know that is dangerous to say because she has such polarized views - people either love or hate her. So by proclaiming that I love her, I am setting myself up for the debate. It's okay though, Bobby and I used to have the debate on a regular basis. Bobby and I use to watch "Jon & Kate Plus 8" together and I could almost always identify with her. Her type A-organized-germaphobic-health conscious-routine & scheduled ways of being a MOM...I get it!! I understand what's going on in her mind as she is always avoiding the possibility of a meltdown, huge mess, sick kid and has to be one step ahead of everything. I also could relate to the fact that on top of managing all that, she was often pulling a laid back guy through it with her, but met with resistance most times. A quiet, easy-going man with no sense of urgency is a nice friend to have, but a hard partner when it comes to depending on someone to lead or help you meet the goal of the moment. Anyways, yes...of course Bobby probably was verbal about his STRONG dislike for Kate...because he related to Jon, and it's much safer to project bad onto her rather than talk with me about it.

Last May - Jon & Kate announced their separation and then their divorce proceedings...I was so hurt by this. I took it so personally...maybe because I saw us headed in very much the same path. Fortunately for Kate, she has the worlds greatest job...she gets paid to be a MOM. Her job is to do things with her kids and let people film it - another benefit of this is that she also gets to actively participate in each event as someone else documents and records it for her (most Moms are the photographers at the events and rarely in the photos!). She talked on camera about 'doing it all alone' from now on and how difficult that would be...she expressed (paraphrasing here) "I don't want it to turn into a sob story. It is going to be rough. But, if you are determined to see the good and the positive in any situation - it is there. I want it to be a whole new look at something I never thought I would be experiencing. It's not anything you go into happily. A new beginning - doing things that I once didn't think I knew how to do." When I heard her say that, it hit me. Wow - I have been there already. That describes my 13 years with Kameron as a single mom. I became amazing at doing things that I never thought I would need to know how to do. I surprised myself a lot and came through tough times with an amazing son & relationship with him that is absolutely one of the things I am most proud of.

Now obviously "Jon & Kate" was not what made me start thinking about the end of my own marriage...it was just interesting timing. I had for quite sometime been concerned personally here and wasn't seeing glimmers of hope much either. Fast forward to today...6 months after Bobby and I separated, I am watching re-runs of the last shows of the season and relating much more in retrospect than I even realized then. I am so happy to see Kate again doing what she loves, being a MOM!!! She again has the absolute best job on Earth. She struggles every day with trying to provide for her kids while still being there for them...what divorced, single or working mom doesn't. I am excited to see her overcome fears and trepidations of 'doing it alone' and watching her realize how strong she truly is inside.

I have been spending a LOT of time lately pre-grieving the end of my amazingly perfect Stay At Home Mommy job. After raising one child, on my own, at a very young age - I always looked at my little kids as my 2nd chance to do it completely focused. I have been honored to be a full time Mom!! I've taken my job very seriously and focused hard on stretching one county employee's income to keep this possible. I honestly had determined that I would not go back to work until my kids were in high school or college. It's very hard to accept that one person's disconnect can so drastically alter the future for 3 other people. This truly has been the hardest part of all the changes that ending a marriage means. Life, as my kids and I have known, it will change - and it's completely out of our hands. I am determined though to do whatever it takes so that I can continue being Mom first. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time challenging my thinking, exploring my loves, brainstorming and analyzing ways that I can do what I am naturally drawn and turn my passions into pay. I believe there is a way...I am still mapping it out.

Welcome back Kate. I am excited to watch you in your journey as I am on one of my own. I wish you the best and am praying for the same for us.

Colorful Bounty

For the past few months I have been working closely with a local organic farmer. I am helping him with his newsletter, research, marketing and social media presence. One of the many benefits to this is that when I shop at the farmers market, he gives me a nice little bag of treats from his farm! Some of my goodies have included - rosemary, kale, peppers, celery, red onions, yellow onions, garlic, radishes, eggs, beets, red romaine lettuce.

I think the fresh produce is so beautiful that i have to take pictures every chance I get. When we return from the market, the kids and I enjoy spreading it all out over the table (adding our fresh produce from the supermarket) and counting all the colors and arranging it for a photo shoot!!

Today we visited the local farmers market and picked up some local honey, drinkable yogurt from a local farm, homemade iced cookies and some wonderful honey toasted pecans too!!

I made my first batch of fresh pico/salsa with the peppers, tomatoes, onions (added some garlic, lime, cilantro, salt & pepper) today. Amazing how many fruits and veg you can get into a kid when they see it this way!!!!! Good stuff.

~ Summer Sweet ~

So happy it is finally SUMMERTIME!!!

Today this means fun shopping for flipflops, butterfly nets, beachballs and puzzles for inside cool down time!!

Tonight it means a yummy dessert of fresh blueberries, organic strawberries, organic vanilla yogurt & granola. Oh yah!!

Bye Bye 1st Grade

Connor's last day of 1st Grade was yesterday. I attended the festivities and of course, took lots of pictures!! I am so proud of Connor and all he has accomplished this year. It's been rough - he had a teacher that he didn't seem to connect with, the separation of his parents and just adjusting to big kid school as opposed to Kindergarten. In the end, it turned out GREAT!!! He is a champion reader, awesome story writer/teller, super happy spirit and a wonderful helper. He takes pride in having lots of friends, being a leader and for being a hero to his Mama!!

Below: Some of his biggest fans!!!










Fun & Games - silly smiles





The most proud Mama in the world!!!

And a sister that thinks he's amazing too.

Memorial Day Grieving

It hit me out of no where this weekend...uncontrollable grief. It's Memorial Day weekend but I wasn't crying over lost soldiers or service men, this was much more personal.

10 years ago this weekend, Bobby and I met.

This weekend I grieve. After 6 months of separation, I finally cried...and cried....and cried. I mistakenly thought that since I was no longer mad, that I would soon hit the acceptance phase of grief. I was so wrong. Now it is time to feel the raw emotion of loss. I worried about myself as I could not make the tears stop. I worried that I wouldn't be able to pull it all back together before the kids saw me.

I guess I was so busy trying to plan where I will go from here, that I didn't let myself feel where I am now. It as if I had a dam built up and all the sudden something knocked it down and the flood of grief hit...it was fierce, strong and relentless.
I reached out to only a few. My brother talked me through learning to lean on others and how to accept their help in the forms they can give, how to disconnect from situations that hinder my healing time, and sharing with my kids that Mommy hurts too. My girlfriend Dolly helped me see that it's part of the healing and that friends can be like family if I let them, that it's always darkest before the dawn and that I am not alone. Another friend helped me to understand crying is an emotional way to heal - like when a cut bleeds, and that it's good to let the cleansing occur.

I am going to allow time for the pain and anguish that goes along with this loss and the dreams that it represented. I am going to let myself feel this part, because I know it will eventually allow me to move forward from this moment. I accept that anger isn't healing - it only masks hurt and fear. And I know that I can be a strong, independent and courageous woman again but will always be fragile inside.

I know that I may never understand it. I realize that I cannot fix a broken person. I believe that I deserve to be happy and that in time - I will be. This too shall pass, as my Mom always says.

Exposure due to Foreclosure

Our neighbor, across the street was foreclosed on. I haven't seen him for months, even the police came by to do a welfare check on him recently. About a week ago, I was out front with the kids when the guy's garage door opened briefly. He walked out to get mail, picked up the newspaper in the driveway and went right back in. Shut the garage door behind him. I felt terrible. Knowing he had been inside all along but ignoring the door - feeling the world closing in on him...

This past weekend was the first time in a VERY long time that I saw his car pull out of the garage and drive away...Well today, must have been the day. The contents of the house were in the front yard. Everything from his leather couch, fridge, desk, dresser, bed, laundry baskets, books, movies....It made me so sad. I hated seeing his personal items sitting unprotected in the yard and wondered if he knew it was happening today?!? Why didn't he get his things? Was the plan to do that this week???

Soon the vultures and scavengers appeared. They swooped in, ripped open boxes, took his clothes, his pictures, his couch, his laundry basket - filled with his books, videos and things. One couple pulled up with a trailer hooked up to a truck- filled the trailer, filled the truck bed, then pulled up another truck and filled that truck too! I was outraged. This is the side of people I HATE knowing exists, and seeing it hurts me deeply. Connor was upset too. He gave me updates as he watched out his window...Mama, people are stealing more things now! UGH!!

I called the police - surely this is wrong...if a 7 yr old kid can see it, why can't the adults!?!? The police dispatch said that another neighbor had called with the same concern. The police have advised that if the owners were given notice, then the contents of the home were his responsibility and there really wasn't anything they could do. I cried. I said, how can this be okay?!?! How can it be that neighbors have trouble and that other neighbors are the ones taking advantage of it?

By the time the couple with the trucks left, this is what remained...Notice the boxes dumped and the remainder of the contents scattered all over. It's sick to me!!! No one has the right to HIS things...His belongings BELONG to him. How do you teach a child that just because something sits out in the open, it isn't free for the taking...when from his bedroom window he watches others do it?!?

Kameron's apartment was broken into a few weeks back too - someone took HIS things...$500 cash, PS3 and games, his laptop too. The guy chatted with Kameron as he headed out for the day to run errands...then when the coast was clear, he kicked in the door and robbed him!! My son was friendly and polite this guy, right before he robbed him! People and their love of things - other people's things...it's disgusting. Kameron seems to be moving on and past it...but I still hurt when I think about how long & hard he worked to have those things and then in minutes someone else takes them!!

I try to reconcile it in my head...and I try to keep it in perspective...it's just stuff., right? I am not materialistic at all...I would rather have people around me than things. But it does hurt me - a lack of respect, sense of entitlement, dishonesty, profiting from another person's loss, and priorities being out of order...it all hurts people.

Maybe the message in this is -

Love your family and love your friends...don't love stuff. It's just stuff...

People can take your stuff at any time, but it is replaceable.

So love your family and love your friends!!

Love Notes on The Pillow!!

Went in to check on Connor and tuck him in before I headed for bed...and found him fast asleep. Also found that he had been writing, drawing and making notes before he fell asleep. At first, I wondered why he had stayed up EVEN later playing around in bed...I had already let him stay up almost an hour past normal.

(less than 2 wks of school left and I guess we all have summer fever!!)

I picked up the small notebook and took it into the hallway to read it in the light. He was writing ME a love note! He left the note book open so that I would find it when I pulled up his covers and turned out his bedlight.

This boy has a way of melting my heart...even when he is sleeping. top note: xoxoxoxoxo borders the writing inside that says,

"Mom

Moma

Momy

I Love My Mom

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo"

bottom note: is a picture of a sunshine in the top corner, butterflies, lots of flowers and hearts. It has a drawing of a girl in the center with eyelashes and the word MOMY with an arrow pointing to her. It says, "This is Mom. I Love Mom"

Thank you Connor!!! I love you, so very much.

Food For Thought

I am so aware of what goes into our food these days and have made a very conscious effort to go back to real food. I have worked to eliminate preservatives, artificial colors, artificial flavors, artificial sweeteners, pesticides...also not purchasing 'food like substances' (items that resemble food but are engineered from corn and other above listed no-nos).

It hasn't been easy. Many think of me as a 'Food Nazi' and I can often at time be a fun killer as I check labels to special treat Grandma tries to offer the kids. As I move more and more in the direct of wholesome goodness...I am starting feel the benefits - how I feel, how the kids behave, how energized we are...just feel better and healthier.

I have also noticed, the food itself is trying to let me know that I am doing the right thing.

Our farm fresh organic eggs - smiled back at me!!

The Organic Heavy Whipping Cream made a heart shape as I prepared Valentine's breakfast.

All Natural, Healthy, Organic...As it was intended.

This was a great way to show how much I really do love my children

Sitting down to dinner with these two healthy and happy kids is a great reward too!!!

A Sweet Mother's Day 2010

Mother's day came a day early for me this year. The kids couldn't wait to give me their surprises, so I recieved my beautiful wildflowers and cake on Saturday!!! Connor shared a teapot shaped card with me that he made at school and told me about how he wrote with icing on the cake all by himself too.

We have a famous and now traditional phrase that seems to come up again and again at times like this...

he says..."Mama, do you know why it tastes so good?"

When I pause and look curious,

he says proudly, "It's because I put extra LOVE in it!"