Memorial Day Grieving

It hit me out of no where this weekend...uncontrollable grief. It's Memorial Day weekend but I wasn't crying over lost soldiers or service men, this was much more personal.

10 years ago this weekend, Bobby and I met.

This weekend I grieve. After 6 months of separation, I finally cried...and cried....and cried. I mistakenly thought that since I was no longer mad, that I would soon hit the acceptance phase of grief. I was so wrong. Now it is time to feel the raw emotion of loss. I worried about myself as I could not make the tears stop. I worried that I wouldn't be able to pull it all back together before the kids saw me.

I guess I was so busy trying to plan where I will go from here, that I didn't let myself feel where I am now. It as if I had a dam built up and all the sudden something knocked it down and the flood of grief hit...it was fierce, strong and relentless.
I reached out to only a few. My brother talked me through learning to lean on others and how to accept their help in the forms they can give, how to disconnect from situations that hinder my healing time, and sharing with my kids that Mommy hurts too. My girlfriend Dolly helped me see that it's part of the healing and that friends can be like family if I let them, that it's always darkest before the dawn and that I am not alone. Another friend helped me to understand crying is an emotional way to heal - like when a cut bleeds, and that it's good to let the cleansing occur.

I am going to allow time for the pain and anguish that goes along with this loss and the dreams that it represented. I am going to let myself feel this part, because I know it will eventually allow me to move forward from this moment. I accept that anger isn't healing - it only masks hurt and fear. And I know that I can be a strong, independent and courageous woman again but will always be fragile inside.

I know that I may never understand it. I realize that I cannot fix a broken person. I believe that I deserve to be happy and that in time - I will be. This too shall pass, as my Mom always says.

Exposure due to Foreclosure

Our neighbor, across the street was foreclosed on. I haven't seen him for months, even the police came by to do a welfare check on him recently. About a week ago, I was out front with the kids when the guy's garage door opened briefly. He walked out to get mail, picked up the newspaper in the driveway and went right back in. Shut the garage door behind him. I felt terrible. Knowing he had been inside all along but ignoring the door - feeling the world closing in on him...

This past weekend was the first time in a VERY long time that I saw his car pull out of the garage and drive away...Well today, must have been the day. The contents of the house were in the front yard. Everything from his leather couch, fridge, desk, dresser, bed, laundry baskets, books, movies....It made me so sad. I hated seeing his personal items sitting unprotected in the yard and wondered if he knew it was happening today?!? Why didn't he get his things? Was the plan to do that this week???

Soon the vultures and scavengers appeared. They swooped in, ripped open boxes, took his clothes, his pictures, his couch, his laundry basket - filled with his books, videos and things. One couple pulled up with a trailer hooked up to a truck- filled the trailer, filled the truck bed, then pulled up another truck and filled that truck too! I was outraged. This is the side of people I HATE knowing exists, and seeing it hurts me deeply. Connor was upset too. He gave me updates as he watched out his window...Mama, people are stealing more things now! UGH!!

I called the police - surely this is wrong...if a 7 yr old kid can see it, why can't the adults!?!? The police dispatch said that another neighbor had called with the same concern. The police have advised that if the owners were given notice, then the contents of the home were his responsibility and there really wasn't anything they could do. I cried. I said, how can this be okay?!?! How can it be that neighbors have trouble and that other neighbors are the ones taking advantage of it?

By the time the couple with the trucks left, this is what remained...Notice the boxes dumped and the remainder of the contents scattered all over. It's sick to me!!! No one has the right to HIS things...His belongings BELONG to him. How do you teach a child that just because something sits out in the open, it isn't free for the taking...when from his bedroom window he watches others do it?!?

Kameron's apartment was broken into a few weeks back too - someone took HIS things...$500 cash, PS3 and games, his laptop too. The guy chatted with Kameron as he headed out for the day to run errands...then when the coast was clear, he kicked in the door and robbed him!! My son was friendly and polite this guy, right before he robbed him! People and their love of things - other people's things...it's disgusting. Kameron seems to be moving on and past it...but I still hurt when I think about how long & hard he worked to have those things and then in minutes someone else takes them!!

I try to reconcile it in my head...and I try to keep it in perspective...it's just stuff., right? I am not materialistic at all...I would rather have people around me than things. But it does hurt me - a lack of respect, sense of entitlement, dishonesty, profiting from another person's loss, and priorities being out of order...it all hurts people.

Maybe the message in this is -

Love your family and love your friends...don't love stuff. It's just stuff...

People can take your stuff at any time, but it is replaceable.

So love your family and love your friends!!

Love Notes on The Pillow!!

Went in to check on Connor and tuck him in before I headed for bed...and found him fast asleep. Also found that he had been writing, drawing and making notes before he fell asleep. At first, I wondered why he had stayed up EVEN later playing around in bed...I had already let him stay up almost an hour past normal.

(less than 2 wks of school left and I guess we all have summer fever!!)

I picked up the small notebook and took it into the hallway to read it in the light. He was writing ME a love note! He left the note book open so that I would find it when I pulled up his covers and turned out his bedlight.

This boy has a way of melting my heart...even when he is sleeping. top note: xoxoxoxoxo borders the writing inside that says,

"Mom

Moma

Momy

I Love My Mom

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo"

bottom note: is a picture of a sunshine in the top corner, butterflies, lots of flowers and hearts. It has a drawing of a girl in the center with eyelashes and the word MOMY with an arrow pointing to her. It says, "This is Mom. I Love Mom"

Thank you Connor!!! I love you, so very much.

Food For Thought

I am so aware of what goes into our food these days and have made a very conscious effort to go back to real food. I have worked to eliminate preservatives, artificial colors, artificial flavors, artificial sweeteners, pesticides...also not purchasing 'food like substances' (items that resemble food but are engineered from corn and other above listed no-nos).

It hasn't been easy. Many think of me as a 'Food Nazi' and I can often at time be a fun killer as I check labels to special treat Grandma tries to offer the kids. As I move more and more in the direct of wholesome goodness...I am starting feel the benefits - how I feel, how the kids behave, how energized we are...just feel better and healthier.

I have also noticed, the food itself is trying to let me know that I am doing the right thing.

Our farm fresh organic eggs - smiled back at me!!

The Organic Heavy Whipping Cream made a heart shape as I prepared Valentine's breakfast.

All Natural, Healthy, Organic...As it was intended.

This was a great way to show how much I really do love my children

Sitting down to dinner with these two healthy and happy kids is a great reward too!!!

A Sweet Mother's Day 2010

Mother's day came a day early for me this year. The kids couldn't wait to give me their surprises, so I recieved my beautiful wildflowers and cake on Saturday!!! Connor shared a teapot shaped card with me that he made at school and told me about how he wrote with icing on the cake all by himself too.

We have a famous and now traditional phrase that seems to come up again and again at times like this...

he says..."Mama, do you know why it tastes so good?"

When I pause and look curious,

he says proudly, "It's because I put extra LOVE in it!"

Without a Cause - You May Have No Effect

Gosh, I hope that saying is true! "Do what you love and the money will follow".

When I found out I was pregnant with Connor, I made a commitment to be a MOM. It was an easy decision..ha! Actually, I mean - I made a commitment to be a Stay-At-Home Mom ONLY. No more career, no more side tracks, no more work obligations taking away from my kid's time. I have felt so blessed over the past 7 years to owork only part time (when I got antsy from just being home). I have enjoyed being free to attend school events, volunteer to chaperone field trips, commit to PTA Board positions...this time and involvement in school activities is really a gift to me and to my children.

When Kameron was little, it was just the two of us. So Mama worked full time. While I worked hard to build a career, I was always in attendance at his games, scouting activities and any other activities (after work hours). I always felt bad that he didn't have a parent there for field trips, special lunches and fun daytime classroom events. He never complained but I always envied the Stay at Home Moms that were so PRESENT.

So with Connor I made a decision that I would make my family and our home my full time job. I have spent countless hours up til 2am trying to figure out how to stretch a county employees salary and how and where to cut expenses. I guess being a single mom for 13 yrs made this project almost second nature to me...I managed to have our expenses paid on time each month, budget for items we needed, not have credit card debt and to build up a small emergency fund. :) (patting myself on the back!!)

I looked at my role as a volunteer as an honor, as a blessing and as a gift. I branched out and began studying other 'causes' that were important to me and getting involved in researching health, nutrition and foods too. Idle is definitely not a word you can use to describe me. I have many interests and a thirst for knowledge and understanding - so I pursued it all. One of the hardest parts about coming to grips with our marriage ending has been also coming to grips with how this will change how much of my time is spent...Mama will have to go back to work. UGH!!! I am not afraid of working, just seems like a huge waste of time when my heart isn't in it.

I have been out of the job market and my industry for 8 years. A lot has changed...and it won't be easy to jump back in and earn the wonderful salary that I left behind to be a wife and mother. To be honest, I am resent the fact that I can't just be a Mom anymore. At this point in my life, I am looking more at the job than at the salary. Life is just too precious to waste away my day earning an income by performing a list of tasks that has no real meaning or value in the end. I am reflecting a lot lately on what I love to do, the things I lose all track of time doing, the causes that I am passionate about and the natural skills that I possess. I am determined to find a way to turn what I know that I am supposed to be doing, into a way to support my children financially. Haven't figured it all out yet...
But feel that I am closer today than I ever have been!!!

So Much to Say...

Not sure where to begin...I have neglected this blog for a long time now. So rather than just jump back in without any explanation (not that you expect an explanation), I am going to 'sum up' 10 months. Here we go...

* Connor is in First Grade

* I am PTA President

* Bobby is coaching soccer

* Katherine is taking dance - tap/ballet/gymnastics

* Bobby and I separated (photo above taken the day it all changed - didn't know it then)

* Trying to maintain my involvement in my causes

* Looking for ways to turn my passions into a paycheck

Well, okay ya - the list is lacking some details...although not necessary for me to blog about. Let's just say, after a lot of thought (which turns to excessive worry when you are spinning around the same thoughts without resolutions), many conversations, counseling for me alone & then for us together - this really is the best thing. However, inconvenient! I don't mean to sound crass - I have had about 6 months to process the finality of ending a marriage (as opposed to you who may just be finding out about it and in a little shock)...and have come to the conclusion that I am actually grieving more over the loss of 'normalcy' in our lives than I am grieving over the loss of a relationship.

I think a big turning point for me was during the separation when I realized that this time apart was not accomplishing any growth for US...but instead was turning into a countless list of missed events, first ___ without him, and things I have now accomplished on my own. Now I am at the point where I can see that I am not dependent on the relationship (wish I could have depended on it) but am still dependent on the finances of a partnership.

This blog will now turn into my 'journey journal' as I try to figure it all out. YIKES! Okay, maybe not ALL of it will be figured out...but I will make some major changes and movement forward. A wise friend told me the other day that 'not all change is growth and not all movement is forward' - so I will begin to focus to make sure that I am more conscious in my changes and movement.