Keeping My Head Above Water

My kids are off with their Dad this weekend. Hard to get use to having 'Me Time' for 6-8 hours at a time. Yesterday I spent most of my time being down, wandering about town trying to fill my quiet. Today I am indulging more in the actual ME part of ME TIME!! I spent a good part of the day studying my camera manual, not super exciting, but something I wanted to do for a LONG time and so it feels rewarding. Then I had a late lunch of heated up pizza (added big spoonfuls of tomato sauce and olives to make it MY pizza) and watched DVR'd episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. I lounged in my jammies til 5:00pm...stayed off the computer for the most part (except a quick idea email to my Mom - can't go a day without emailing my Mom). And I just now got out of a wonderful dinnertime bubble bath. Feels strange to take a bubble bath at 5:00 in the evening, but also felt very indulgent at the same time!! I used a fabulous bottle of Philosophy brand Margarita scented bubbles that I received from my friend Dolly, for my birthday. The smell was amazing - little bit of lime zip and a hint of 'take it easy' in the air.

I always get into the bath as the water is still filling. I love to watch the bubbles multiply around my toes. I think the most peaceful part of the bath is while the water is running - I think it's because it drowns out any other noises in the house. Today there weren't any noises except the dryer spinning my freshly washed sheets. But, I still enjoyed the fill process. After the water was to its max point and I turned the knob off which made the house sounds silent. I pulled my head into the water and stayed there for as long as I could, so that I wouldn't realize the quiet. When I came up for air, it was odd because I somehow felt I was still under water.

You know when you swim underwater - it's peaceful and quiet (almost as if in slow motion)...but when you pop up for air, you realize all the sounds - laughing, splashing, talking - that you missed while underneath. That's what my life feels like, sometimes. I am living this life with my kids, on my own. We do alright and have a good time together, making memories and going through our days...but then I must come up for air. I don't always want to - I much prefer the slow motion, dreamlike feel of escaping from the world around me, with only my children.

Then sometimes, it feels like I am underwater by myself and the kids are up running about - laughing, talking, splashing - with their Daddy Those times underwater aren't so peaceful for me.

While I know this time alone is good for me to process, decompress and have quiet time to myself, it's hard to relax when things aren't as they should be. It's no fun swimming alone. I am ready for the time to come where I get to come up for air. When I can hear the laughing, talking and the splashing again.

Artificial and Toxic Ingredients

There are some things that are obviously NOT healthy for us. Other things are more subtle. I am extremely aware of what is healthy and what is not lately. Paying close attention to food contents - artificial colors and flavors, preservatives and other ingredients, pesticide ratings in produce, sugar and sodium, fat, and most recently meat. It really has become finally almost second nature to check things out before I purchase them and I am building a 'safe' database in my brain-filing system!!

Focusing on removing artificial ingredients and toxic contents can also be done when it comes to relationships. I am FINALLY learning to stop doing out of obligation. I am learning to remove myself and my kids if a situation is uncomfortable or unhealthy. I am learning that "No" can be a full sentence and starting to actually speak in one sentence paragraphs!! It is a hard transition and the relationships that are most toxic are resisting this change in me. Luckily the friends and family that love me most genuinely are super encouraging cheerleaders!

I've been so busy lately trying to get my life in order and organizing things helps me to feel less chaotic inside. I have cleaned out & de-cluttered my home - closets, drawers, shelves, cabinets, files, kids toys, clothes, linens and more. Now I have reached another part of my re-organizing, cleaning up my relationships. This one is definitely the most taxing yet.

Should go hand in hand

Nothing can get you down more than a pathetic balance in your checking account and a kid in the back seat that wants to order more at Sonic than you have the cash to cover. My world feels so heavy when I am broke. I talked him out of it but HATE kids knowing that we don't 'have the money'...it's a burden they should not be loaded down by. I went ahead and bought myself a small cherry limeade (thinking I could add vodka later!). I am boiling potatoes now for my dinner - that actually sounds pretty good to me. But, on the way home those damn tears started flowing...unexplainable sadness is heavy on me today.

I have applied for so many ridiculous jobs lately. Because I gave up my telecom-well-paying job 8 years ago, the telecom positions feel so foreign to me. I am not familiar with the terms anymore or the 'jargon'. So I search for flexible/part time and retail junk - all that I am way too qualified for but still only get rejection letters (without even an interview). Surely it's the economy right!?! My creditentials are good, my employer history top notch. But I am taking it all so personally. Feeling so unwanted. I feel like I have taken so many step backwards.

Now I find myself depending on my soon-to-be Mr. Ex - financially. I have to say that he is extremely patient and understanding about the job market. He encourages me to leave things as is and just continue to stay home with the kids til my youngest is a little older. He says things like, "I will always take care of my family". The hard part of that statement is that I am actually not what he is referring to - family - that means his kids. If I am their care-giver, then I am the one that manages the account - for the kids.

I am such an independent person...have overcome serious hardships all on my own in the past. I have tackled some amazing hurdles - many times without murmuring a word to anyone. Well now I am feeling defeated. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially...I always took care of myself and have felt good knowing that I was capable of this, if I ever needed to do so again. Marriage was not about him taking care of me...it was supposed to be a partnership...us taking care of each other. It's a shame to me that in the end the only thing that he really was willing to let me depend on him for was financial. The ONE thing I didn't care about, and now need him for. It's a strange position to be in too - knowing that I am the future Mrs. Ex but still depending on him for what he is willing to give. The sad part is - I would rather have nothing than to need someone for financial help. I would much rather know that I can depend on someone for love, support, comfort, friendship and cheerleading. I would rather have a HUSBAND than a husband's checkbook.

Why is it easier to share your paycheck than to share your heart? Seems like it should go hand in hand. Matthew 6:20-21 "Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroy nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure lies, that is where your heart lies also."

Ending - With a Bang

It's the 4th of July weekend...Celebration time, right!?! Not so much for me, internally. This is the weekend that I was asked to be a wife, to share my life and to put my dreams in his hands...all those years ago. Just after fireworks, we walked to the end of the island, under a full moon and a ring was placed on my finger!

He has kept his ring on all this time. I always wondered if it were a loyalty thing, a task just put off, or if he was in denial. Now, on the anniversary of our engagement, I see that he has removed his ring. This one hurts.

Not sure if it's the timing of the move or the finality of it.