Lost but NEVER Forgotten

Today I am missing so many special people that I have lost. Some from illness, others from tragic unexpected accidents, some from life’s paths taking us different directions, some that I chose to walk away from in a self preservation effort and some that have walked away from me for reasons only they fully know. 


My heart hurts. I am not good with loss. I guess no one really is. I am not sure why some days it hits me so hard. Mostly it’s experiencing another loss that throws me back into the depths of sadness. Other days it can be a song playing unexpectedly that has some overwhelming extremely heartfelt memories in it. I go back to yesterday so quickly and wish I could just experience a few more moments with that special person.


VA – how I wish I could hear your laugh, see your smile and hug you. I loved your super charged energy and zest that made everyday an adventure. I miss you terribly.  Cancer sucks!


KL – your sweetness and acceptance was amazing to me. You truly treasured me and my son, it hurts that he never knew you. Cancer again, sucks!


KM – you helped me to hear the music in the music. You helped me to appreciate the simply life and sitting down to just be. You taught me that family ties are stronger than any other.


BB – your little life ended way too soon. My heart grieves over the dreams that you never lived out. I will never understand why God takes babies and children from their mothers.


MH– never fully understood the fade that happened and wish I had recovered from it very differently than I did. I wish we would have talked more about what was happening in our lives because I believe we would have been able to help each other.


JP– you challenged me and made me think. You never let me get away with any thought without consideration of why I had it. I loved the back and forth debating and banter.


BJ – For the lasting memories that I carry with me for the rest of my life. I look back on much of it with a bit of a blur – it came and went so quickly but lasted so long. How I wish I had at some point had really known you completely.  So much of YOU was edited out ahead of time.


TC – Growing up happened too fast for you, then there was loss. I often wish I could have been stronger for you or known how to better help. It's devestating to me that your decisions to avoid difficult situations have also taken you away from the treasures and rewards those challenges brought.


MB – My kids would have adored you. I am so proud of you – your strength, your character, your giving nature, your faith.


KC – to the child that grew up much too fast. I didn’t realize how quickly it was happening and wish I would have savored more.  I am sorry I took my eye off the ball for a while and lost focus and the closeness we once had. 


I hope each of you knows how very much I have loved you. Each of you have been significant to me and helped me to find myself in the whirlwind of life. I wish I had more time with you to show you that I was paying attention and learned from you.

Know Me By My Heart

I take pride in being an open book. I live my life as such that there are no secrets. I lay my good, bad and ugly out there for everyone to see. I sing my praises when things go well; I share my triumphs, tragedies and terrors. As a little girl, my outspoken disposition was sometimes considered unmannered or outrageous. My brother would be drop his jaw at the things I would say without a hesitation and my Mom would correct me for being so abrupt with a quick toned “Kelly Jo!!”

I have to say that over the years I learned to hold back my thoughts, feelings and concerns more – mostly due to a feeling that I was giving too much of myself to those around me (maybe to a few that didn't deserve such honesty). But as I continue to grow and age…I am starting to see that I respect honesty, openness, and communication in those around me much more than any other trait. I have been shocked recently by learning some ‘secrets’ that were kept hidden by someone closest to me..by either deception or omission, it doesn’t matter. I was not given the whole story, the whole truth, and the whole person. A gut wrenching ache has been speaking to me for quite some time. This intuitive spirit that I have, I believe, is God’s way of telling me to watch closely and protect myself.


I am sad that more people around me aren’t more forth coming with their history, their mistakes, and their downfalls. I find the flaws in the human spirit tender, enduring.  There is a realness in honesty that humbles the heart and can be a great source of strength. I believe that unless you can admit to wrongs - you will never learn from them or be better because of them. I believe anything hidden or kept in darkness will eventually shrivel up and die – secrets of the heart will do eventually cause your soul to die and your spirit to be weak. I worry so much that the key to many people’s hearts are thrown away and remain locked forever by the secrets they keep. 

I will always share what is on my heart. Not as an imposition or effort to be vain…but mostly because I love you and want you to know me by my heart. Please do the same for me.