Shifting Focus

So much of my focus has been on crisis, negative and trying to make good out of bad.  So lately I have been spending more time focusing on what is just GOOD!!!

My email from Connor - left for me one night to find after he was in bed.

 Katherine's Mother's Day card her preschool teachers help capture!!

Bad Dream and she went to sleep with Connor for comfort.

 Teachers that love my kids.  Rainy day carpool.

Hiding from a storm in the bathtub - Connor tells Katherine not to smile she should look scared.

Teacher Appreciation week - showing love to our teachers!! 

Katherine turns 4

Field trip with 2nd Grade - I chaperoned

Scout awards and leaders that really do care

Fun events - concentration and competition

Easter Bunny Cake - Egg Hunts and Family Time

Preschool Art - Middle one says HE IS RISEN!



Taking Steps & Making Progress

It's been so long since I've updated this...wow!  Those that know me already know the updates as I live my life as an open book.  But I also feel a sense to keep this blog updated so that if you just stumble across or meet me later in the 'story' that you can also be up to speed.  Not so sure why it matters to me other than that this is MY blog and MY STORY so I don't really want gaps or big holes running through it.  Those that know me ALSO know that I am big on details and try not to leave any out.

Well lots to tell - let me sum up...(in essence of time, not to diminish the experiences or events, I am bullet pointing the BIG stuff...I may elaborate some later as I see relevant or that I have been shown evidence that it was actually a turning point.)

• Kameron successfully completed treatment!
• Kameron hooked up with old 'friends' and relapsed a short time later
• He now lives with my parents of which I highly urged them all to avoid for so many reasons
• I have begun to focus on me - no longer willing to let anything or anyone steal my peace.

At first, I began attending Alanon online - mostly because I loved the family sessions while Kam was in treatment.  I thought the 12 step program for addicts was amazing.  I loved how they were taught to exam things deeply and to take a look closer at their responsibilities, powerlessness and need for God.  I loved the growth I saw in so many and believed that we all actually could benefit by going through a 12 step program to learn more about ourselves.  So I got involved.  At first online, then I began to make time for face to face meetings...there is a quiet suffering that happens when you learn and grow alone.  We are intended to have fellowship so I felt a strong pull to GO and be a part in person.

I also began to attend Celebrate Recovery - a Christ Centered 12 Step group that eliminates the 'higher power' vague term and puts GOD at the helm, where He should be.  I began to work my own 12 steps to heal from hurts, habits and hangups that I have been carrying around for years.  This is where I began to explore more my relationship with God...if I were going to 'let go & let God' then it was of utmost importance that I know HIM personally.  I could not hand over such precious people and parts over to HIM to care for if I did not fully trust HIM.  This lead me to begin attending church again.  We (me and the littles) went back to a church I had loved before marrying (which I left because it did not suit my husband). 

I also received a suggestion from a very dear friend to check out a new church in town.  She had a friendship with one of the guys helping to plant the church.  At first I listened online to their sermons, to get a feel without committing.  The timing and the message were perfect.  It took some adjusting to get to their services but until I could get there, I waited each week eagerly for the new audio posting to get plugged in again.  Finally I attended and now it feels like home.

At this moment, I feel I have come so far!!!  While there is a LOT of stress and turmoil around me in relation to family...I am amazingly peaceful and calm. So, I am now committing to write on a more regular basis again because there is a great amount of GOOD to share and this is the stuff that really matters.  I am learning that there is so much more to life than I have been living.  I am making great progress - not out for perfection...just progress & thanks for grace...that's exactly what God is looking for in me too!!

Higher Power?

This was written in April - When I joined an online Alanon (families of addicts) support group.  I desperately needed to connect and get some sense of 'serenity' and peace.  Having two small children made it difficult to attend meetings so I thought I would give it a try online.  The topic was 'Higher Power' (a generic term used to not turn anyone off - but the original 12 steps were founded on the Beattitudes and biblical scripture (which I learned recently thru another group - I will share later).  Here is my post...

Why is it that I only seek out God, when things are overwhelming? Rarely do I stop to even consider Him on an 'average' day. But when times are hard, emotions are high and energy is low... I plead for prayers from others. I guess I have been under the impression that I can handle average. I can't handle overwhelming. But why is it that I seek prayers rather than pray myself?? I considered this deeply recently.  When my son was in a psychiatric hospital suffering from drug induced psychosis and I was outside of the hospital losing my own mind. I felt so helpless and insignificant as I navigated through a very difficult situation and 'system'. I believed in God but always felt He was too intangible to really know, feel or trust. But this time He was ALL I knew that could make this better. I worried that my prayers alone could not express the urgency or importance of this need and being that I was already so 'insignificant' that it's quite possible the need would be clear but not heard. So I depended on others, I reached out to family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances and friends of friends. I requested prayers. I believed that out of a mass of prayers someone in there would be heard or simply the numerous requests for one person would create a stir that could not be ignored. People prayed, friends hugged, neighbors brought snacks, coworkers encouraged and I made it through.

I learned that the 'higher power' for me was actually in those I pleaded for prayers from. I'm hoping to eventually get to a place where I feel a 'relationship' and comfort from God himself and that he won't be so abstract to me. But until then I'm thankful to have found a power that is greater than me alone, for the time being, in the groups of people that love me and care for my family.