~ Summer Sweet ~

So happy it is finally SUMMERTIME!!!

Today this means fun shopping for flipflops, butterfly nets, beachballs and puzzles for inside cool down time!!

Tonight it means a yummy dessert of fresh blueberries, organic strawberries, organic vanilla yogurt & granola. Oh yah!!

Bye Bye 1st Grade

Connor's last day of 1st Grade was yesterday. I attended the festivities and of course, took lots of pictures!! I am so proud of Connor and all he has accomplished this year. It's been rough - he had a teacher that he didn't seem to connect with, the separation of his parents and just adjusting to big kid school as opposed to Kindergarten. In the end, it turned out GREAT!!! He is a champion reader, awesome story writer/teller, super happy spirit and a wonderful helper. He takes pride in having lots of friends, being a leader and for being a hero to his Mama!!

Below: Some of his biggest fans!!!










Fun & Games - silly smiles





The most proud Mama in the world!!!

And a sister that thinks he's amazing too.

Memorial Day Grieving

It hit me out of no where this weekend...uncontrollable grief. It's Memorial Day weekend but I wasn't crying over lost soldiers or service men, this was much more personal.

10 years ago this weekend, Bobby and I met.

This weekend I grieve. After 6 months of separation, I finally cried...and cried....and cried. I mistakenly thought that since I was no longer mad, that I would soon hit the acceptance phase of grief. I was so wrong. Now it is time to feel the raw emotion of loss. I worried about myself as I could not make the tears stop. I worried that I wouldn't be able to pull it all back together before the kids saw me.

I guess I was so busy trying to plan where I will go from here, that I didn't let myself feel where I am now. It as if I had a dam built up and all the sudden something knocked it down and the flood of grief hit...it was fierce, strong and relentless.
I reached out to only a few. My brother talked me through learning to lean on others and how to accept their help in the forms they can give, how to disconnect from situations that hinder my healing time, and sharing with my kids that Mommy hurts too. My girlfriend Dolly helped me see that it's part of the healing and that friends can be like family if I let them, that it's always darkest before the dawn and that I am not alone. Another friend helped me to understand crying is an emotional way to heal - like when a cut bleeds, and that it's good to let the cleansing occur.

I am going to allow time for the pain and anguish that goes along with this loss and the dreams that it represented. I am going to let myself feel this part, because I know it will eventually allow me to move forward from this moment. I accept that anger isn't healing - it only masks hurt and fear. And I know that I can be a strong, independent and courageous woman again but will always be fragile inside.

I know that I may never understand it. I realize that I cannot fix a broken person. I believe that I deserve to be happy and that in time - I will be. This too shall pass, as my Mom always says.

Exposure due to Foreclosure

Our neighbor, across the street was foreclosed on. I haven't seen him for months, even the police came by to do a welfare check on him recently. About a week ago, I was out front with the kids when the guy's garage door opened briefly. He walked out to get mail, picked up the newspaper in the driveway and went right back in. Shut the garage door behind him. I felt terrible. Knowing he had been inside all along but ignoring the door - feeling the world closing in on him...

This past weekend was the first time in a VERY long time that I saw his car pull out of the garage and drive away...Well today, must have been the day. The contents of the house were in the front yard. Everything from his leather couch, fridge, desk, dresser, bed, laundry baskets, books, movies....It made me so sad. I hated seeing his personal items sitting unprotected in the yard and wondered if he knew it was happening today?!? Why didn't he get his things? Was the plan to do that this week???

Soon the vultures and scavengers appeared. They swooped in, ripped open boxes, took his clothes, his pictures, his couch, his laundry basket - filled with his books, videos and things. One couple pulled up with a trailer hooked up to a truck- filled the trailer, filled the truck bed, then pulled up another truck and filled that truck too! I was outraged. This is the side of people I HATE knowing exists, and seeing it hurts me deeply. Connor was upset too. He gave me updates as he watched out his window...Mama, people are stealing more things now! UGH!!

I called the police - surely this is wrong...if a 7 yr old kid can see it, why can't the adults!?!? The police dispatch said that another neighbor had called with the same concern. The police have advised that if the owners were given notice, then the contents of the home were his responsibility and there really wasn't anything they could do. I cried. I said, how can this be okay?!?! How can it be that neighbors have trouble and that other neighbors are the ones taking advantage of it?

By the time the couple with the trucks left, this is what remained...Notice the boxes dumped and the remainder of the contents scattered all over. It's sick to me!!! No one has the right to HIS things...His belongings BELONG to him. How do you teach a child that just because something sits out in the open, it isn't free for the taking...when from his bedroom window he watches others do it?!?

Kameron's apartment was broken into a few weeks back too - someone took HIS things...$500 cash, PS3 and games, his laptop too. The guy chatted with Kameron as he headed out for the day to run errands...then when the coast was clear, he kicked in the door and robbed him!! My son was friendly and polite this guy, right before he robbed him! People and their love of things - other people's things...it's disgusting. Kameron seems to be moving on and past it...but I still hurt when I think about how long & hard he worked to have those things and then in minutes someone else takes them!!

I try to reconcile it in my head...and I try to keep it in perspective...it's just stuff., right? I am not materialistic at all...I would rather have people around me than things. But it does hurt me - a lack of respect, sense of entitlement, dishonesty, profiting from another person's loss, and priorities being out of order...it all hurts people.

Maybe the message in this is -

Love your family and love your friends...don't love stuff. It's just stuff...

People can take your stuff at any time, but it is replaceable.

So love your family and love your friends!!

Love Notes on The Pillow!!

Went in to check on Connor and tuck him in before I headed for bed...and found him fast asleep. Also found that he had been writing, drawing and making notes before he fell asleep. At first, I wondered why he had stayed up EVEN later playing around in bed...I had already let him stay up almost an hour past normal.

(less than 2 wks of school left and I guess we all have summer fever!!)

I picked up the small notebook and took it into the hallway to read it in the light. He was writing ME a love note! He left the note book open so that I would find it when I pulled up his covers and turned out his bedlight.

This boy has a way of melting my heart...even when he is sleeping. top note: xoxoxoxoxo borders the writing inside that says,

"Mom

Moma

Momy

I Love My Mom

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo"

bottom note: is a picture of a sunshine in the top corner, butterflies, lots of flowers and hearts. It has a drawing of a girl in the center with eyelashes and the word MOMY with an arrow pointing to her. It says, "This is Mom. I Love Mom"

Thank you Connor!!! I love you, so very much.

Food For Thought

I am so aware of what goes into our food these days and have made a very conscious effort to go back to real food. I have worked to eliminate preservatives, artificial colors, artificial flavors, artificial sweeteners, pesticides...also not purchasing 'food like substances' (items that resemble food but are engineered from corn and other above listed no-nos).

It hasn't been easy. Many think of me as a 'Food Nazi' and I can often at time be a fun killer as I check labels to special treat Grandma tries to offer the kids. As I move more and more in the direct of wholesome goodness...I am starting feel the benefits - how I feel, how the kids behave, how energized we are...just feel better and healthier.

I have also noticed, the food itself is trying to let me know that I am doing the right thing.

Our farm fresh organic eggs - smiled back at me!!

The Organic Heavy Whipping Cream made a heart shape as I prepared Valentine's breakfast.

All Natural, Healthy, Organic...As it was intended.

This was a great way to show how much I really do love my children

Sitting down to dinner with these two healthy and happy kids is a great reward too!!!

A Sweet Mother's Day 2010

Mother's day came a day early for me this year. The kids couldn't wait to give me their surprises, so I recieved my beautiful wildflowers and cake on Saturday!!! Connor shared a teapot shaped card with me that he made at school and told me about how he wrote with icing on the cake all by himself too.

We have a famous and now traditional phrase that seems to come up again and again at times like this...

he says..."Mama, do you know why it tastes so good?"

When I pause and look curious,

he says proudly, "It's because I put extra LOVE in it!"