bloom where you are planted

At last, a small little tomato is growing!!! It's exciting to me to see the 'fruits' starting to appear. I went out to water my little babies this morning and always poke around for any new developments...and I believe I gasped as I saw a tiny little tomato. I ran in to share the joy with the kids, who came out running to check it out.

I know it's all part of the way it is supposed to happen....plant, care, fruit...but I feel so rewarded. I had this little fear in the back of my mind that our tomatoes would not grow or that I would do something wrong and we would lose the plants all together. I can remember several nights of stormy weather or strong winds, getting up in the middle of the night to put my precious pots down on the ground, so they wouldn't blow over. I have dreaded drought like weeks and watered carefully. I didn't want anything to ruin our future bounty of bright red juicy tomatoes.

Today God again reminded me that all is well. It's these little glimmers of hope that show up around me every day that I am so thankful for. Life is very much like growing tomatoes. You plant a small garden (build a life), by selecting the best soil (foundation, partner, home). You carefully entrust your seeds (dreams) and plant them. Storms come, the heat gets turned on (struggles) and you adjust...change up the way you are growing. And just when you get sidetracked or distracted with something else...your dreams start appearing as reality (a tiny little green tomato).

I am feeling this happen to me, as I have been struggling with changes in my life and plans. I kept going, made new dreams and took care of those dreams, plans and hopes. I am now finally starting to see the beginnings of fruit and it inspires me to keep going...maybe plant some more garden varieties!!

Are you a Purple Girl?

Mom gave me some fun purple sandals for my birthday, a beautiful necklace and fun toenail polish too!! She always has a way of perking up my wardrobe. I could always count on Mom to help me to remember that the girlie things ARE important and really shouldn't be crossed out of the budget...ever!! I believe Katherine got all her girlie style from my Mom!!

Mom joked about how I may not be a 'purple girl' and Katherine picked up on that right away..."Mommy, ARE you a Purple Girl?" She found this question very important as she has asked me this a few times since then...and it comes up at the oddest times.

I believe that purple is a color of passion. Which for far too long has been lacking from both my life and my wardrobe. I went through a stage when I was about 10 years old, where everything I owned was LAVENDER!! I outgrew that when family got word of my new love and started buying me everything-purple. When Kameron and I lived alone I had a house full of colorful, flowery pictures - purples, pinks, greens, yellows, blues...anything colorful and happy!!! Over the years, I began to edit out the 'girlie' to make room for a man, his son and soon to be another son of my own. I have missed the happy colors in my house and now realizing I missed it in my clothes too!!

I love that Mom picked purple for my fun new sandals!!! Just the other day, a dear friend showed up with a Macy's bag!!! She wanted to give me a gift (which was quite out of the blue). Almost teary over the generosity, I listened to her explain...she was once a single mom and relates to how we usually put ourselves last...she also explained that she knew that IF I did get a way to spend a little - that I would spend on my kids first. TRUE!!! She bought ME two beautiful tops - just because!!! She apparently had also noticed a lack of color and style in my clothing - One is a gorgeous colorful floral print and another white with purple embroidered flowers. Wow, I exclaimed..."I love these!!" I explained how I never seem to have something a little more dressy than a t-shirt and capris, which was totally obvious to anyone who knows me. And shared with her how I have been trying to add some color to my world but usually can't justify more than a t-shirt or tank. She did a wonderful job picking out some great tops for me that are so color happy!!!!! Thanks my sweet and thoughtful friend.

The best part...the white and purple one matches my PURPLE GIRL sandals!!! Katherine is thrilled. :)

It is time that this Mama reconnects to my girlie girl side, jumps into purple and finds my passion!!!

Message from a Seed and Two Farmers

Lately I have been working VERY hard around the house to clean out miscellaneous items that I don't need, want or use. Each week I have focused on one room and completely tore that room up - as I sorted, trashed, organized. (Now my garage is full of stuff for consignment sales, donations, garage sales or to go to friends/family).

The other day was the day to tackle my closet and dresser. I enjoyed reminiscing as I stumbled across things I have tucked in my drawers or jewelry box over the years. The kids baby teeth, notes, locks of baby hair, pictures, cards and more. I had forgotten that I had a necklace that use to belong to my Grandma Bailey. On first glance it doesn't appear to have much value...but I know it holds GREAT value, to those that know the story...

It's a tiny little clear ball with a mustard seed inside it. Grandma was a woman of amazing faith, strength and perseverance. She loved the verse Matthew 17:20 "He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I needed this reminder!!!!

Today as I cleaned, I popped in a rented movie for the kids to watch. I rented this the same day that I found the necklace. The movie is called "Facing the Giants". I rented it because it was #1) PG #2) sounded like it was about overcoming #3) the kids needed something to do. I realized today that this was actually a movie produced by a Christian studio...it was very obvious as they openly discussed The Bible, God's plans and faith (not something you would EVER seen in a theatre movie). The story was simple, acting not so great and very predictable plot - but it had our attention. It was refreshing to hear a father quote scripture to his son to help life him up. A coach teaching kids to play with heart and character. Some good quotes in this movie...

"Your attitude is like the aroma of your heart. If your attitude stinks, it means your heart's not right."

"Your actions will always follow your beliefs."

"You're not doing anybody any favors by sitting on the fence. Determine which side you want to be on and stay on it."

"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way."

But the message I heard the loudest was during a scene when two characters discussed how prayer didn't seem to be working. One man tells the other a story.

There are two farmers, both are praying for rain.

The first farmer prays and prays - while the second farmer prays and then goes out to prepare his fields. The man telling the story says,

'Both farmers pray for rain but only one prepares to receive it!

Which farmer has more faith?

Which one are you?'

He WILL send the rain...you can count on that. It's time to prepare to receive it.

I get it!!! God is speaking to me & I am listening...first the mustard seed, as a message to have faith. Then He tells me to get ready, He is going to provide blessings...the rain IS coming, I have to prepare to receive it!!!

Okay - now I have a whole new to do list! Very exciting!!!!

Some days are just good!!!

It's Organic - Friendship!!

On yard work days I always wear pink!!! It's my way of making the job feel more empowering. While I actually do have a sense of pride once I've finished and look over the manicured lawn...but I still grit my teeth, as I push the mower and wipe sweat off my brow (while also peeking in on kids, moving a trampoline and gathering up Nerf bullets to avoid another job of cleaning up scattered pieces). It's not so much the work as it is the reminder of the fact that this is one more job that now, I have to take on. I am generally up to the challenge of a job, especially one that feels so organic! But with the rigged equipment and tools that I inherited along with my new job - I am not so eager. I just can't seem to figure out what the tricks and quirks are of this equipment that also seems to resent the fact that I am now doing the job!

I have begun asking for some inexpensive referrals to hire out the job, once I can figure out where that money will come from. As a result, a few friends have offered to help me out. One day my sweet friend called up and explained..."My son needs to be some one's blessing and we picked you...so we are coming over tomorrow to mow your yard." I was stunned. She had to do some convincing and to help me look at getting help with a new perspective. It's a new thing to me to not be completely self sufficient within my own home or family. It is not at all an ego, I just am not yet comfortable accepting help outside of family - part of my 'dream' was to be a self sustaining family that would create a community of our own, within our home...So now it's just another part of accepting the new road I am on and the new roles that people will have. The crazy thing is that accepting this kind of caring and love from FRIENDS is very uncomfortable for me...I am not sure why?? But God has decided that I need to get comfortable with it because He has given me some really amazing friends and they keep coming with labors of love, gifts of the heart and words of wisdom that help me get through hard days.

One weekend I had a knock on my door...a girlfriend with a big bag of fresh Texas produce (garlic, limes, cilantro, onions, tomatoes, avocados). It was beautiful and fresh from the farmers market!!! This touched my heart far more than she even knew...not only fact that it was a nice gift but that she KNEW ME so well that she knew the PERFECT gift for ME. Later, another friend had homemade strawberry preserves fresh from her kitchen for me and the kids - YUMMY!!! Pure and natural - both in the gifts and the reasons behind them. It just is so simple but means so much to me.

I remember sitting in my counselor's office several months back...giving it my all to make things work. I was in tears but tried my best to explain what made me so sad. I wanted to be KNOWN, I wanted to feel loved and to be shown it...in ways that showed you know me. I secretly had wished for a little romantic movie scene of my own, where the man does his best to explain why he needs her and then spells out all the idiosyncrasies and oddities that make her special to him. I have felt so overlooked, avoided, resented and neglected that I was beginning to question my own worth. There was a turning point that soon followed when I realized that I was NOT VALUED...and now I am learning that does NOT reflect on my WORTH!!!

Yesterday I was showered with love from so many different directions...first, my beautiful Mom with an early birthday gift to make life more fun and more importantly time with me and the kids. Then a friend of a friend tells me I have an herb garden coming that was made especially for me (I barely know this person - how did she know I wanted to grow my own herb garden!?), a girlfriend comes over and brings dinner & dessert, a couple shows up to do my yard work, my neighbor down the street comes to offer handyman help, another neighbor stops by to say she wants to take me to lunch next week, another calls and invites me and the kids to join them at the lake. I was seriously so overwhelmed with emotion that I broke down. I cried and cried as I hugged one of my angels - It's just incredible to me how much people really do love me, that aren't even family!!! Sometimes I am so blown away by friendships that I just cannot even breathe. What a joy it brings to me inside...when I sit at the end of the day and recount the outpouring of love...love that seems to flow so freely from those that REALLY do feel it and aren't even being asked to show it. It's GOOD STUFF and it's exactly what I needed.

Stuffing the 'Stuff'

Today I spent some time on clutter & stuff. Amazing what comes out when you talk with a friend in passing about a possible garage sale!!! Thank God today my girlfriend was upbeat, motivated and ready to kick my butt!!! She wouldn't take no for an answer when it came to a brisk walk (beginning form of exercise!!). She pushed me a bit hard to walk & talk with her about what it is that is holding me back to be in better shape. I at first played dumb..."Well, I just don't know? I eat right, better than most people I know..I am constantly on the move...I understand and value nutrition, balance and healthy living...I even work hard to teach my children, family & friends about being healthy, I am focused on removing all forms of unhealthy from my life too"?!? At first I decided that I have a physical aliment, that the primary symptom is weight gain & that has yet to be properly diagnosed (more tests pending). But the more I talked, the more I realized that I am holding on to 'stuff' and dealing with it means going through some pain, sadness, sweat and being uncomfortable.

Our discussion moved to letting go of the 'stuff', which turned our more psychological discussion into more concrete and tangible 'stuff'. She wants to have a garage sale to clear out some of her 'stuff'. I am always up for a profit and can find things easily to part with...so I was all in. As I started looking around at things I realized that most of the stuff that NEEDS to go are things that I am holding out of obligation. (Either the real owner didn't have a place for it, hadn't taken it yet, had given to me as a gift or wanted to discard it themselves but couldn't bare with the fact that it would be 'discarded' so they passed it my way). I have countless items that fall into the OBLIGATION category. My friend and I turned back on the psychology light as we began to try to ask...

why am I carrying everyone else's 'stuff' ??

And what would happen if I just stopped.

So much of what makes me feel out of place, overwhelmed or stressed -

DOESN'T EVEN BELONG TO ME!!!

Since I am the ultimate WORD GIRL - I love the sound, meaning and history behind words...so I looked up "obligation" to see if I could figure out more why I have a sense of obligation to this 'stuff'. As I searched 'Wikipedia' I learned that obligation is closely related to 'duty'. While obligation is a requirement to take some course of action, duty is more of a sense of moral commitment to someone or something. The 'duty' behind an obligation is what drives us into action, and less about passive feelings or mere recognition. I learned too that duty motivated obligatory actions can also be used to describe 'owing'. We all know how awful it is to feel as if you OWE someone...almost as bad as being in DEBT, but that is exactly what it is...the next word is debt.

So as I try to make sense out of this I see that this is the path Duty - Obligation - Owing - Debt. UGH!!!! Ick!!! I have worked so hard NOT to have DEBT. I have been so outspoken about how credit cards and other debt can rob you of happiness, freedom and life. ("The borrower is slave to the lender" - Proverbs 22:7 - it makes a slave/master relationship). Now I am putting myself into that same situation...it just has to stop.

I realized too that by holding things out of obligation that I am robbing myself of having the things I really do need and want!!! So, my plan for tomorrow...to take steps to sort, return, give away, recycle, sell or trash some of this debt. It doesn't mean that I don't value the relationship with the person tied to the item (owner or giver) - instead it means that I am freeing myself to have a better relationship with them. A relationship that is not tied to 'stuff' but instead, is focused on - what I am to them, what they are to me, memories we have shared, acts of love they have shown...those are the real motivators to me anyways. Time to move the 'stuff' (also meaning 'matter', I looked it up!).

I am letting go of stuff that just doesn't matter!!!!

Kate Plus 8 - Love or Hate, I Relate!!

Kate Gosselin is back! Her TLC "Kate Plus Eight" premiered tonight. I have been looking forward to this day since the end of the previous show. I have always loved Kate. I know that is dangerous to say because she has such polarized views - people either love or hate her. So by proclaiming that I love her, I am setting myself up for the debate. It's okay though, Bobby and I used to have the debate on a regular basis. Bobby and I use to watch "Jon & Kate Plus 8" together and I could almost always identify with her. Her type A-organized-germaphobic-health conscious-routine & scheduled ways of being a MOM...I get it!! I understand what's going on in her mind as she is always avoiding the possibility of a meltdown, huge mess, sick kid and has to be one step ahead of everything. I also could relate to the fact that on top of managing all that, she was often pulling a laid back guy through it with her, but met with resistance most times. A quiet, easy-going man with no sense of urgency is a nice friend to have, but a hard partner when it comes to depending on someone to lead or help you meet the goal of the moment. Anyways, yes...of course Bobby probably was verbal about his STRONG dislike for Kate...because he related to Jon, and it's much safer to project bad onto her rather than talk with me about it.

Last May - Jon & Kate announced their separation and then their divorce proceedings...I was so hurt by this. I took it so personally...maybe because I saw us headed in very much the same path. Fortunately for Kate, she has the worlds greatest job...she gets paid to be a MOM. Her job is to do things with her kids and let people film it - another benefit of this is that she also gets to actively participate in each event as someone else documents and records it for her (most Moms are the photographers at the events and rarely in the photos!). She talked on camera about 'doing it all alone' from now on and how difficult that would be...she expressed (paraphrasing here) "I don't want it to turn into a sob story. It is going to be rough. But, if you are determined to see the good and the positive in any situation - it is there. I want it to be a whole new look at something I never thought I would be experiencing. It's not anything you go into happily. A new beginning - doing things that I once didn't think I knew how to do." When I heard her say that, it hit me. Wow - I have been there already. That describes my 13 years with Kameron as a single mom. I became amazing at doing things that I never thought I would need to know how to do. I surprised myself a lot and came through tough times with an amazing son & relationship with him that is absolutely one of the things I am most proud of.

Now obviously "Jon & Kate" was not what made me start thinking about the end of my own marriage...it was just interesting timing. I had for quite sometime been concerned personally here and wasn't seeing glimmers of hope much either. Fast forward to today...6 months after Bobby and I separated, I am watching re-runs of the last shows of the season and relating much more in retrospect than I even realized then. I am so happy to see Kate again doing what she loves, being a MOM!!! She again has the absolute best job on Earth. She struggles every day with trying to provide for her kids while still being there for them...what divorced, single or working mom doesn't. I am excited to see her overcome fears and trepidations of 'doing it alone' and watching her realize how strong she truly is inside.

I have been spending a LOT of time lately pre-grieving the end of my amazingly perfect Stay At Home Mommy job. After raising one child, on my own, at a very young age - I always looked at my little kids as my 2nd chance to do it completely focused. I have been honored to be a full time Mom!! I've taken my job very seriously and focused hard on stretching one county employee's income to keep this possible. I honestly had determined that I would not go back to work until my kids were in high school or college. It's very hard to accept that one person's disconnect can so drastically alter the future for 3 other people. This truly has been the hardest part of all the changes that ending a marriage means. Life, as my kids and I have known, it will change - and it's completely out of our hands. I am determined though to do whatever it takes so that I can continue being Mom first. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time challenging my thinking, exploring my loves, brainstorming and analyzing ways that I can do what I am naturally drawn and turn my passions into pay. I believe there is a way...I am still mapping it out.

Welcome back Kate. I am excited to watch you in your journey as I am on one of my own. I wish you the best and am praying for the same for us.

Colorful Bounty

For the past few months I have been working closely with a local organic farmer. I am helping him with his newsletter, research, marketing and social media presence. One of the many benefits to this is that when I shop at the farmers market, he gives me a nice little bag of treats from his farm! Some of my goodies have included - rosemary, kale, peppers, celery, red onions, yellow onions, garlic, radishes, eggs, beets, red romaine lettuce.

I think the fresh produce is so beautiful that i have to take pictures every chance I get. When we return from the market, the kids and I enjoy spreading it all out over the table (adding our fresh produce from the supermarket) and counting all the colors and arranging it for a photo shoot!!

Today we visited the local farmers market and picked up some local honey, drinkable yogurt from a local farm, homemade iced cookies and some wonderful honey toasted pecans too!!

I made my first batch of fresh pico/salsa with the peppers, tomatoes, onions (added some garlic, lime, cilantro, salt & pepper) today. Amazing how many fruits and veg you can get into a kid when they see it this way!!!!! Good stuff.