Artificial and Toxic Ingredients

There are some things that are obviously NOT healthy for us. Other things are more subtle. I am extremely aware of what is healthy and what is not lately. Paying close attention to food contents - artificial colors and flavors, preservatives and other ingredients, pesticide ratings in produce, sugar and sodium, fat, and most recently meat. It really has become finally almost second nature to check things out before I purchase them and I am building a 'safe' database in my brain-filing system!!

Focusing on removing artificial ingredients and toxic contents can also be done when it comes to relationships. I am FINALLY learning to stop doing out of obligation. I am learning to remove myself and my kids if a situation is uncomfortable or unhealthy. I am learning that "No" can be a full sentence and starting to actually speak in one sentence paragraphs!! It is a hard transition and the relationships that are most toxic are resisting this change in me. Luckily the friends and family that love me most genuinely are super encouraging cheerleaders!

I've been so busy lately trying to get my life in order and organizing things helps me to feel less chaotic inside. I have cleaned out & de-cluttered my home - closets, drawers, shelves, cabinets, files, kids toys, clothes, linens and more. Now I have reached another part of my re-organizing, cleaning up my relationships. This one is definitely the most taxing yet.

Should go hand in hand

Nothing can get you down more than a pathetic balance in your checking account and a kid in the back seat that wants to order more at Sonic than you have the cash to cover. My world feels so heavy when I am broke. I talked him out of it but HATE kids knowing that we don't 'have the money'...it's a burden they should not be loaded down by. I went ahead and bought myself a small cherry limeade (thinking I could add vodka later!). I am boiling potatoes now for my dinner - that actually sounds pretty good to me. But, on the way home those damn tears started flowing...unexplainable sadness is heavy on me today.

I have applied for so many ridiculous jobs lately. Because I gave up my telecom-well-paying job 8 years ago, the telecom positions feel so foreign to me. I am not familiar with the terms anymore or the 'jargon'. So I search for flexible/part time and retail junk - all that I am way too qualified for but still only get rejection letters (without even an interview). Surely it's the economy right!?! My creditentials are good, my employer history top notch. But I am taking it all so personally. Feeling so unwanted. I feel like I have taken so many step backwards.

Now I find myself depending on my soon-to-be Mr. Ex - financially. I have to say that he is extremely patient and understanding about the job market. He encourages me to leave things as is and just continue to stay home with the kids til my youngest is a little older. He says things like, "I will always take care of my family". The hard part of that statement is that I am actually not what he is referring to - family - that means his kids. If I am their care-giver, then I am the one that manages the account - for the kids.

I am such an independent person...have overcome serious hardships all on my own in the past. I have tackled some amazing hurdles - many times without murmuring a word to anyone. Well now I am feeling defeated. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially...I always took care of myself and have felt good knowing that I was capable of this, if I ever needed to do so again. Marriage was not about him taking care of me...it was supposed to be a partnership...us taking care of each other. It's a shame to me that in the end the only thing that he really was willing to let me depend on him for was financial. The ONE thing I didn't care about, and now need him for. It's a strange position to be in too - knowing that I am the future Mrs. Ex but still depending on him for what he is willing to give. The sad part is - I would rather have nothing than to need someone for financial help. I would much rather know that I can depend on someone for love, support, comfort, friendship and cheerleading. I would rather have a HUSBAND than a husband's checkbook.

Why is it easier to share your paycheck than to share your heart? Seems like it should go hand in hand. Matthew 6:20-21 "Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroy nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure lies, that is where your heart lies also."

Ending - With a Bang

It's the 4th of July weekend...Celebration time, right!?! Not so much for me, internally. This is the weekend that I was asked to be a wife, to share my life and to put my dreams in his hands...all those years ago. Just after fireworks, we walked to the end of the island, under a full moon and a ring was placed on my finger!

He has kept his ring on all this time. I always wondered if it were a loyalty thing, a task just put off, or if he was in denial. Now, on the anniversary of our engagement, I see that he has removed his ring. This one hurts.

Not sure if it's the timing of the move or the finality of it.

Always Say Grace

With a super-pathetic balance in my bank account and a pantry low on options, today's lunch was a creative challenge.

Never before have I been so thankful for an extra large apple that I could slice to serve 3. I mixed up the last of a box of mashed potatoes (ugh - if my friends, that I am always sharing the evils of packaged foods knew I was serving powdered mashed potatoes, they would NEVER let me live this down) and frozen broccoli. Yep, that was lunch - apples, mashed potatoes and broccoli. Surprisingly the kids didn't complain a bit. They ate better than usual.

I am writing this today to help me remember to always say GRACE. At times of scraps and times of plenty!!
"Thank you for the food we are about to eat, please bless our bodies with good health and full bellies!"

The kids wanted and deserved dessert after lunch. They never complained about my lack of creativity on the meal so of course I immediately said "sure!" when they asked for treats. Oops - time to get creative again.
Thank God my kids can be convinced that dried apricots are dessert!!! I have the best kids in the world. It is another happy day. :)

**Disclaimer for my Mom or friends that have that motherly instinct...This is not a common situation, we never would go hungry - I PROMISE we would call you if things were bad!!! This was something I wrote previously and am now posting because it's a new day - no worries!!

Joyful Noise

This morning katherine was talking to me with a a happy little lilt and melodic tone to her voice...she sounded like she was singing as she spoke. It sparked an idea!!! I sang out, "let's have a day where everything we say, we say singing!" (imagine a very bad opera featuring women and children of no musical talent!!) I just wanted to make a silly fun way to start the day on a happy note. (pun intended - my humor is about as lame as my opera).

I remember when Kameron was younger and I would hear him whistling. It made me feel good. I knew by the whistle that he was happy. It's just not possible to whistle when you are sad. I think singing with kids is the same way...even if you are down, once you start singing you WILL get lifted up!! So I love days when we turn up the music and dance around. We make up silly moves and slide around in our socks. We sing loudly as if we had great voices or knew all the words and we make fun memories.

Today the kids both giggled at me when I suggested that we sing our conversations. But, they jumped on board without hesitation...I looked at Connor and sang (in a high pitched soprano) "Connor - Will you please join us in a day where everything we say, we say singing!?!?"

He looks at me and shakes his head as if to say 'she's crazy!'. Then he grins and replies in his own little sing-songy voice, "noo-oh!" Ah ha - that kid is a treasure. Some days just feel perfect. I really do love my life - even with the chaos and changes going on in the background of it...my life is the best. My kids are amazing and they make ordinary days feel like Christmas and bring out a song in me when it's the last thing I thought I would be doing as I make my coffee.

I still remember a day when I was little when my Mom decided that we needed to have a parade. I grabbed my baton, my brother grabbed his trumpet and Mom had a tamborine. We all marched around the house in and out of every room!!! We sang Mickey Mouse club and anything else we could think of. I still giggle when I think of that day. We laughed, made our own music and sang silly songs that will play back in my mind forever. I wish I had a picture of that day!!!

This one is for you Grandma Bailey -

as I know the joyful noise we make would have made you so very happy to sing along.

"In my heart there rings a melody,

There rings a melody

with heaven's harmony;

In my heart there rings a melody;

There rings a melody of love!"

bloom where you are planted

At last, a small little tomato is growing!!! It's exciting to me to see the 'fruits' starting to appear. I went out to water my little babies this morning and always poke around for any new developments...and I believe I gasped as I saw a tiny little tomato. I ran in to share the joy with the kids, who came out running to check it out.

I know it's all part of the way it is supposed to happen....plant, care, fruit...but I feel so rewarded. I had this little fear in the back of my mind that our tomatoes would not grow or that I would do something wrong and we would lose the plants all together. I can remember several nights of stormy weather or strong winds, getting up in the middle of the night to put my precious pots down on the ground, so they wouldn't blow over. I have dreaded drought like weeks and watered carefully. I didn't want anything to ruin our future bounty of bright red juicy tomatoes.

Today God again reminded me that all is well. It's these little glimmers of hope that show up around me every day that I am so thankful for. Life is very much like growing tomatoes. You plant a small garden (build a life), by selecting the best soil (foundation, partner, home). You carefully entrust your seeds (dreams) and plant them. Storms come, the heat gets turned on (struggles) and you adjust...change up the way you are growing. And just when you get sidetracked or distracted with something else...your dreams start appearing as reality (a tiny little green tomato).

I am feeling this happen to me, as I have been struggling with changes in my life and plans. I kept going, made new dreams and took care of those dreams, plans and hopes. I am now finally starting to see the beginnings of fruit and it inspires me to keep going...maybe plant some more garden varieties!!

Are you a Purple Girl?

Mom gave me some fun purple sandals for my birthday, a beautiful necklace and fun toenail polish too!! She always has a way of perking up my wardrobe. I could always count on Mom to help me to remember that the girlie things ARE important and really shouldn't be crossed out of the budget...ever!! I believe Katherine got all her girlie style from my Mom!!

Mom joked about how I may not be a 'purple girl' and Katherine picked up on that right away..."Mommy, ARE you a Purple Girl?" She found this question very important as she has asked me this a few times since then...and it comes up at the oddest times.

I believe that purple is a color of passion. Which for far too long has been lacking from both my life and my wardrobe. I went through a stage when I was about 10 years old, where everything I owned was LAVENDER!! I outgrew that when family got word of my new love and started buying me everything-purple. When Kameron and I lived alone I had a house full of colorful, flowery pictures - purples, pinks, greens, yellows, blues...anything colorful and happy!!! Over the years, I began to edit out the 'girlie' to make room for a man, his son and soon to be another son of my own. I have missed the happy colors in my house and now realizing I missed it in my clothes too!!

I love that Mom picked purple for my fun new sandals!!! Just the other day, a dear friend showed up with a Macy's bag!!! She wanted to give me a gift (which was quite out of the blue). Almost teary over the generosity, I listened to her explain...she was once a single mom and relates to how we usually put ourselves last...she also explained that she knew that IF I did get a way to spend a little - that I would spend on my kids first. TRUE!!! She bought ME two beautiful tops - just because!!! She apparently had also noticed a lack of color and style in my clothing - One is a gorgeous colorful floral print and another white with purple embroidered flowers. Wow, I exclaimed..."I love these!!" I explained how I never seem to have something a little more dressy than a t-shirt and capris, which was totally obvious to anyone who knows me. And shared with her how I have been trying to add some color to my world but usually can't justify more than a t-shirt or tank. She did a wonderful job picking out some great tops for me that are so color happy!!!!! Thanks my sweet and thoughtful friend.

The best part...the white and purple one matches my PURPLE GIRL sandals!!! Katherine is thrilled. :)

It is time that this Mama reconnects to my girlie girl side, jumps into purple and finds my passion!!!