Recreating Myself

Taken from Grey's Anatomy season premiere.  I love this view - I recently had a similar conversation with my brother about the 7 year recreation theory.  Then this episode aired and said it perfectly!!

"Every cell in the human body regenerates, on average, every 7 yrs. Like snakes, in our own way, we shed our skin. Biologically we're brand new people. We may look the same, we probably do. The change isn't physically, at least not in most of us. But we're all changed completely, forever."

"When we say things like people don't change, it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the one constant in science. Energy, matter - its always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. Its the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication - that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change is up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a 2nd chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips...it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again."

Wow - isn't that exciting!!!

Keeping My Head Above Water

My kids are off with their Dad this weekend. Hard to get use to having 'Me Time' for 6-8 hours at a time. Yesterday I spent most of my time being down, wandering about town trying to fill my quiet. Today I am indulging more in the actual ME part of ME TIME!! I spent a good part of the day studying my camera manual, not super exciting, but something I wanted to do for a LONG time and so it feels rewarding. Then I had a late lunch of heated up pizza (added big spoonfuls of tomato sauce and olives to make it MY pizza) and watched DVR'd episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. I lounged in my jammies til 5:00pm...stayed off the computer for the most part (except a quick idea email to my Mom - can't go a day without emailing my Mom). And I just now got out of a wonderful dinnertime bubble bath. Feels strange to take a bubble bath at 5:00 in the evening, but also felt very indulgent at the same time!! I used a fabulous bottle of Philosophy brand Margarita scented bubbles that I received from my friend Dolly, for my birthday. The smell was amazing - little bit of lime zip and a hint of 'take it easy' in the air.

I always get into the bath as the water is still filling. I love to watch the bubbles multiply around my toes. I think the most peaceful part of the bath is while the water is running - I think it's because it drowns out any other noises in the house. Today there weren't any noises except the dryer spinning my freshly washed sheets. But, I still enjoyed the fill process. After the water was to its max point and I turned the knob off which made the house sounds silent. I pulled my head into the water and stayed there for as long as I could, so that I wouldn't realize the quiet. When I came up for air, it was odd because I somehow felt I was still under water.

You know when you swim underwater - it's peaceful and quiet (almost as if in slow motion)...but when you pop up for air, you realize all the sounds - laughing, splashing, talking - that you missed while underneath. That's what my life feels like, sometimes. I am living this life with my kids, on my own. We do alright and have a good time together, making memories and going through our days...but then I must come up for air. I don't always want to - I much prefer the slow motion, dreamlike feel of escaping from the world around me, with only my children.

Then sometimes, it feels like I am underwater by myself and the kids are up running about - laughing, talking, splashing - with their Daddy Those times underwater aren't so peaceful for me.

While I know this time alone is good for me to process, decompress and have quiet time to myself, it's hard to relax when things aren't as they should be. It's no fun swimming alone. I am ready for the time to come where I get to come up for air. When I can hear the laughing, talking and the splashing again.

Artificial and Toxic Ingredients

There are some things that are obviously NOT healthy for us. Other things are more subtle. I am extremely aware of what is healthy and what is not lately. Paying close attention to food contents - artificial colors and flavors, preservatives and other ingredients, pesticide ratings in produce, sugar and sodium, fat, and most recently meat. It really has become finally almost second nature to check things out before I purchase them and I am building a 'safe' database in my brain-filing system!!

Focusing on removing artificial ingredients and toxic contents can also be done when it comes to relationships. I am FINALLY learning to stop doing out of obligation. I am learning to remove myself and my kids if a situation is uncomfortable or unhealthy. I am learning that "No" can be a full sentence and starting to actually speak in one sentence paragraphs!! It is a hard transition and the relationships that are most toxic are resisting this change in me. Luckily the friends and family that love me most genuinely are super encouraging cheerleaders!

I've been so busy lately trying to get my life in order and organizing things helps me to feel less chaotic inside. I have cleaned out & de-cluttered my home - closets, drawers, shelves, cabinets, files, kids toys, clothes, linens and more. Now I have reached another part of my re-organizing, cleaning up my relationships. This one is definitely the most taxing yet.

Should go hand in hand

Nothing can get you down more than a pathetic balance in your checking account and a kid in the back seat that wants to order more at Sonic than you have the cash to cover. My world feels so heavy when I am broke. I talked him out of it but HATE kids knowing that we don't 'have the money'...it's a burden they should not be loaded down by. I went ahead and bought myself a small cherry limeade (thinking I could add vodka later!). I am boiling potatoes now for my dinner - that actually sounds pretty good to me. But, on the way home those damn tears started flowing...unexplainable sadness is heavy on me today.

I have applied for so many ridiculous jobs lately. Because I gave up my telecom-well-paying job 8 years ago, the telecom positions feel so foreign to me. I am not familiar with the terms anymore or the 'jargon'. So I search for flexible/part time and retail junk - all that I am way too qualified for but still only get rejection letters (without even an interview). Surely it's the economy right!?! My creditentials are good, my employer history top notch. But I am taking it all so personally. Feeling so unwanted. I feel like I have taken so many step backwards.

Now I find myself depending on my soon-to-be Mr. Ex - financially. I have to say that he is extremely patient and understanding about the job market. He encourages me to leave things as is and just continue to stay home with the kids til my youngest is a little older. He says things like, "I will always take care of my family". The hard part of that statement is that I am actually not what he is referring to - family - that means his kids. If I am their care-giver, then I am the one that manages the account - for the kids.

I am such an independent person...have overcome serious hardships all on my own in the past. I have tackled some amazing hurdles - many times without murmuring a word to anyone. Well now I am feeling defeated. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially...I always took care of myself and have felt good knowing that I was capable of this, if I ever needed to do so again. Marriage was not about him taking care of me...it was supposed to be a partnership...us taking care of each other. It's a shame to me that in the end the only thing that he really was willing to let me depend on him for was financial. The ONE thing I didn't care about, and now need him for. It's a strange position to be in too - knowing that I am the future Mrs. Ex but still depending on him for what he is willing to give. The sad part is - I would rather have nothing than to need someone for financial help. I would much rather know that I can depend on someone for love, support, comfort, friendship and cheerleading. I would rather have a HUSBAND than a husband's checkbook.

Why is it easier to share your paycheck than to share your heart? Seems like it should go hand in hand. Matthew 6:20-21 "Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroy nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure lies, that is where your heart lies also."

Ending - With a Bang

It's the 4th of July weekend...Celebration time, right!?! Not so much for me, internally. This is the weekend that I was asked to be a wife, to share my life and to put my dreams in his hands...all those years ago. Just after fireworks, we walked to the end of the island, under a full moon and a ring was placed on my finger!

He has kept his ring on all this time. I always wondered if it were a loyalty thing, a task just put off, or if he was in denial. Now, on the anniversary of our engagement, I see that he has removed his ring. This one hurts.

Not sure if it's the timing of the move or the finality of it.

Always Say Grace

With a super-pathetic balance in my bank account and a pantry low on options, today's lunch was a creative challenge.

Never before have I been so thankful for an extra large apple that I could slice to serve 3. I mixed up the last of a box of mashed potatoes (ugh - if my friends, that I am always sharing the evils of packaged foods knew I was serving powdered mashed potatoes, they would NEVER let me live this down) and frozen broccoli. Yep, that was lunch - apples, mashed potatoes and broccoli. Surprisingly the kids didn't complain a bit. They ate better than usual.

I am writing this today to help me remember to always say GRACE. At times of scraps and times of plenty!!
"Thank you for the food we are about to eat, please bless our bodies with good health and full bellies!"

The kids wanted and deserved dessert after lunch. They never complained about my lack of creativity on the meal so of course I immediately said "sure!" when they asked for treats. Oops - time to get creative again.
Thank God my kids can be convinced that dried apricots are dessert!!! I have the best kids in the world. It is another happy day. :)

**Disclaimer for my Mom or friends that have that motherly instinct...This is not a common situation, we never would go hungry - I PROMISE we would call you if things were bad!!! This was something I wrote previously and am now posting because it's a new day - no worries!!

Joyful Noise

This morning katherine was talking to me with a a happy little lilt and melodic tone to her voice...she sounded like she was singing as she spoke. It sparked an idea!!! I sang out, "let's have a day where everything we say, we say singing!" (imagine a very bad opera featuring women and children of no musical talent!!) I just wanted to make a silly fun way to start the day on a happy note. (pun intended - my humor is about as lame as my opera).

I remember when Kameron was younger and I would hear him whistling. It made me feel good. I knew by the whistle that he was happy. It's just not possible to whistle when you are sad. I think singing with kids is the same way...even if you are down, once you start singing you WILL get lifted up!! So I love days when we turn up the music and dance around. We make up silly moves and slide around in our socks. We sing loudly as if we had great voices or knew all the words and we make fun memories.

Today the kids both giggled at me when I suggested that we sing our conversations. But, they jumped on board without hesitation...I looked at Connor and sang (in a high pitched soprano) "Connor - Will you please join us in a day where everything we say, we say singing!?!?"

He looks at me and shakes his head as if to say 'she's crazy!'. Then he grins and replies in his own little sing-songy voice, "noo-oh!" Ah ha - that kid is a treasure. Some days just feel perfect. I really do love my life - even with the chaos and changes going on in the background of it...my life is the best. My kids are amazing and they make ordinary days feel like Christmas and bring out a song in me when it's the last thing I thought I would be doing as I make my coffee.

I still remember a day when I was little when my Mom decided that we needed to have a parade. I grabbed my baton, my brother grabbed his trumpet and Mom had a tamborine. We all marched around the house in and out of every room!!! We sang Mickey Mouse club and anything else we could think of. I still giggle when I think of that day. We laughed, made our own music and sang silly songs that will play back in my mind forever. I wish I had a picture of that day!!!

This one is for you Grandma Bailey -

as I know the joyful noise we make would have made you so very happy to sing along.

"In my heart there rings a melody,

There rings a melody

with heaven's harmony;

In my heart there rings a melody;

There rings a melody of love!"