Today I am missing so many special people that I have lost. Some from illness, others from tragic unexpected accidents, some from life’s paths taking us different directions, some that I chose to walk away from in a self preservation effort and some that have walked away from me for reasons only they fully know.
My heart hurts. I am not good with loss. I guess no one really is. I am not sure why some days it hits me so hard. Mostly it’s experiencing another loss that throws me back into the depths of sadness. Other days it can be a song playing unexpectedly that has some overwhelming extremely heartfelt memories in it. I go back to yesterday so quickly and wish I could just experience a few more moments with that special person.
VA – how I wish I could hear your laugh, see your smile and hug you. I loved your super charged energy and zest that made everyday an adventure. I miss you terribly. Cancer sucks!
KL – your sweetness and acceptance was amazing to me. You truly treasured me and my son, it hurts that he never knew you. Cancer again, sucks!
KM – you helped me to hear the music in the music. You helped me to appreciate the simply life and sitting down to just be. You taught me that family ties are stronger than any other.
BB – your little life ended way too soon. My heart grieves over the dreams that you never lived out. I will never understand why God takes babies and children from their mothers.
MH– never fully understood the fade that happened and wish I had recovered from it very differently than I did. I wish we would have talked more about what was happening in our lives because I believe we would have been able to help each other.
JP– you challenged me and made me think. You never let me get away with any thought without consideration of why I had it. I loved the back and forth debating and banter.
BJ – For the lasting memories that I carry with me for the rest of my life. I look back on much of it with a bit of a blur – it came and went so quickly but lasted so long. How I wish I had at some point had really known you completely. So much of YOU was edited out ahead of time.
TC – Growing up happened too fast for you, then there was loss. I often wish I could have been stronger for you or known how to better help. It's devestating to me that your decisions to avoid difficult situations have also taken you away from the treasures and rewards those challenges brought.
MB – My kids would have adored you. I am so proud of you – your strength, your character, your giving nature, your faith.
KC – to the child that grew up much too fast. I didn’t realize how quickly it was happening and wish I would have savored more. I am sorry I took my eye off the ball for a while and lost focus and the closeness we once had.
I hope each of you knows how very much I have loved you. Each of you have been significant to me and helped me to find myself in the whirlwind of life. I wish I had more time with you to show you that I was paying attention and learned from you.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Know Me By My Heart
I take pride in being an open book. I live my life as such that there are no secrets. I lay my good, bad and ugly out there for everyone to see. I sing my praises when things go well; I share my triumphs, tragedies and terrors. As a little girl, my outspoken disposition was sometimes considered unmannered or outrageous. My brother would be drop his jaw at the things I would say without a hesitation and my Mom would correct me for being so abrupt with a quick toned “Kelly Jo!!”
I have to say that over the years I learned to hold back my thoughts, feelings and concerns more – mostly due to a feeling that I was giving too much of myself to those around me (maybe to a few that didn't deserve such honesty). But as I continue to grow and age…I am starting to see that I respect honesty, openness, and communication in those around me much more than any other trait. I have been shocked recently by learning some ‘secrets’ that were kept hidden by someone closest to me..by either deception or omission, it doesn’t matter. I was not given the whole story, the whole truth, and the whole person. A gut wrenching ache has been speaking to me for quite some time. This intuitive spirit that I have, I believe, is God’s way of telling me to watch closely and protect myself.
I am sad that more people around me aren’t more forth coming with their history, their mistakes, and their downfalls. I find the flaws in the human spirit tender, enduring. There is a realness in honesty that humbles the heart and can be a great source of strength. I believe that unless you can admit to wrongs - you will never learn from them or be better because of them. I believe anything hidden or kept in darkness will eventually shrivel up and die – secrets of the heart will do eventually cause your soul to die and your spirit to be weak. I worry so much that the key to many people’s hearts are thrown away and remain locked forever by the secrets they keep.
I will always share what is on my heart. Not as an imposition or effort to be vain…but mostly because I love you and want you to know me by my heart. Please do the same for me.
I have to say that over the years I learned to hold back my thoughts, feelings and concerns more – mostly due to a feeling that I was giving too much of myself to those around me (maybe to a few that didn't deserve such honesty). But as I continue to grow and age…I am starting to see that I respect honesty, openness, and communication in those around me much more than any other trait. I have been shocked recently by learning some ‘secrets’ that were kept hidden by someone closest to me..by either deception or omission, it doesn’t matter. I was not given the whole story, the whole truth, and the whole person. A gut wrenching ache has been speaking to me for quite some time. This intuitive spirit that I have, I believe, is God’s way of telling me to watch closely and protect myself.
I am sad that more people around me aren’t more forth coming with their history, their mistakes, and their downfalls. I find the flaws in the human spirit tender, enduring. There is a realness in honesty that humbles the heart and can be a great source of strength. I believe that unless you can admit to wrongs - you will never learn from them or be better because of them. I believe anything hidden or kept in darkness will eventually shrivel up and die – secrets of the heart will do eventually cause your soul to die and your spirit to be weak. I worry so much that the key to many people’s hearts are thrown away and remain locked forever by the secrets they keep.
I will always share what is on my heart. Not as an imposition or effort to be vain…but mostly because I love you and want you to know me by my heart. Please do the same for me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
25 Random Things About Me
I came across this that I wrote in Feb of 2009. A LOT has changed in my life since I wrote this...but so good to know that I am still ME! All of these things are still so very true to me. I am glad I wrote this down almost 2 yrs ago. I look around so many times and see that the character, values and morals of people change with the times or crowds. I am proud to say - my core is pure and true.
1. Spring is my favorite season - I love the beginning it brings to so many beautiful things. I think planting bulbs in the fall is a sign of someone who thinks about things in advance. I think flowers make a home look happy.
2. I am not a big Halloween fan - I think its creepy & seems odd to go door to door asking for candy in the dark. I also hate to be scared - Haunted houses aren't my thing, cannot understand paying to end up terrified and fearful. I don't like the rush of fear in my body, I worry that it does damage to my heart that cannot be repaired.
3. I LOVE to read ~ have many books on my list - all categories and types - fiction, self help, non fiction, biographies, how to's, etc. I wish I had more hours in a day and needed less sleep so that I could get to them all quicker.
4. I miss having co-workers to run to lunch with or laugh about silly things that happen at work. Some of my greatest friends have been co-workers.
5. My greatest fear is loss. I can't bare the thought of losing someone close to me. I have lost some and still not over it.
6. I could eat tacos 3 times a week
7. I would love to entertain more in my home - friends and family are very important to me, I think we gather too infrequently. I think this would also push us to keep our house more picked up!!!
8. I overthink things. I analyze words. I look for agendas, hear intentions and sense insincerity. I try to not insult, confront, or be misinterpreted in anything I say. I am better at communicating in writing because it allows me to edit.
9. I love the smell of lemons. I would rather wear fragarance of fruits & sweet foods, than to smell like flowers.
10. My kids are growing up too fast. I miss seeing Kameron every day and hearing about his life on a regular basis, my time with connor is too short now that he is in school for the day and Katherine is almost 2!! I go to bed at night and wish I had more time with each of them that day.
11. I think my list of 25 things would be very different on a day that I was more energized. Some days I am more reflective, other days a little more goal oriented, then some days I am full of vigor and enthusiasm. Today is a low energy day.
12. I am a great organizer...I love new years because it is also the beginning of new things (like spring)...It is a starting over point and helps me to begin new projects and make new goals. I don't like to hesitate. I try to make decisions and move. I get frustrated when things are delayed because of indecisiveness or fear.
13. I am a worrier. I worry about people (especially family), schedules (like to know the plan in advance), details, interpretations, misunderstandings, feelings, time restraints, cleanliness & germs, the safetly and health of my kids, their developmental progress, their activities and how we are shaping their little lives and minds, I worry about my friends that are quiet or I havent heard from, my grandmother being lonely. I worry about people I see on the news that were victims of a crime, loss or tragedy. I worry about the underdog feeling defeated again and the teenager that is feeling alone, I worry about our future, our world and the ecomony. I worry about the layoffs affecting people I care about and so much more. I feel it all inside - some say its compassion, which I guess sounds better than worry.
14. I would love to own a boat - but not a big swimmer! Lakes are icky to me and the ocean is scarey. I don't enjoy swimming with anything other than people...like seaweed, fish, turtles or anything else around my toes. I am not a good swimmer and prefer to be in a pool where I can touch the bottom and just stand or wade.
15. A good tomato is like dessert to me!! But my dessert weakness is chips ahoy with m&m's.
16. I like to be behind the camera lens, rather than in front of it. But having family photos and candids are important to include all of us. Its too rare that we are all 6 together at once, so I treasure those pictures I have with everyone in them.
17. I am shy and a little insecure - but I love people...I a handful of close friends but always wish I had more close friends than aquaintances.
18. I don't share feelings openly but never assume that I don't feel deeply. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with emotion that its hard to breath. I think crying is used to manipulate too often and sometimes can be perceived as weak - so I avoid talking about things that hurt my heart. I don't like to look mushy or too sensitive, so I keep a lot inside. I feel, care and love much deeper than most - just not sure how to let you know it.
19. I can't stand watching the news and hearing stories that are horrific or sad that I can do nothing about. It is too frustrating to me to know such sadness, evil or hatred exists and all I can do about it is hurt.
20. I love the sound of words. It's amazing to me how a picture can be drawn with words. Some words are so descriptive that you only need a few, but I always use too many. Listening to certain people speak is entertaining to me.
21. I want my children to know me better than anyone. Most of the words I write in journals are for them.
22. I could be a life long student...but would constantly be changing my major...when I learn a little about something I find interesting I want to know everything I can about it. I like to be an expert, not to be the go-to person, but more so just to quench a thirst of my own.
23. I try to avoid people that are negative, whiney or complainers. I think gossip is a waste of energy. I believe that there are some people you just can't pull out of a funk and I believe that some people just need to decide to be happy.
24. I believe in teaching by example. I believe your actions definitely speak louder than words. I also encourage life lessons to be injected into everyday conversation with children to help them in life.
25. Kameron helped to make me who I am today, he was my inspiration and drive when I was too young or distracted to know where I should go. I believe that Kameron is truly one of the smartest people I will ever know. Connor is my entertainer - he makes me laugh, amuses me with stories and touches my heart with his love for friends & family. Katherine came at the perfect time - I needed peace and stillness, she calms me and slows me down. She was proof to me that God had faith in me and wasn't giving up on me. My children are my treasures...you can have everything I own but I would not trade a single moment with them for anything in this world.
Kelly
1. Spring is my favorite season - I love the beginning it brings to so many beautiful things. I think planting bulbs in the fall is a sign of someone who thinks about things in advance. I think flowers make a home look happy.
2. I am not a big Halloween fan - I think its creepy & seems odd to go door to door asking for candy in the dark. I also hate to be scared - Haunted houses aren't my thing, cannot understand paying to end up terrified and fearful. I don't like the rush of fear in my body, I worry that it does damage to my heart that cannot be repaired.
3. I LOVE to read ~ have many books on my list - all categories and types - fiction, self help, non fiction, biographies, how to's, etc. I wish I had more hours in a day and needed less sleep so that I could get to them all quicker.
4. I miss having co-workers to run to lunch with or laugh about silly things that happen at work. Some of my greatest friends have been co-workers.
5. My greatest fear is loss. I can't bare the thought of losing someone close to me. I have lost some and still not over it.
6. I could eat tacos 3 times a week
7. I would love to entertain more in my home - friends and family are very important to me, I think we gather too infrequently. I think this would also push us to keep our house more picked up!!!
8. I overthink things. I analyze words. I look for agendas, hear intentions and sense insincerity. I try to not insult, confront, or be misinterpreted in anything I say. I am better at communicating in writing because it allows me to edit.
9. I love the smell of lemons. I would rather wear fragarance of fruits & sweet foods, than to smell like flowers.
10. My kids are growing up too fast. I miss seeing Kameron every day and hearing about his life on a regular basis, my time with connor is too short now that he is in school for the day and Katherine is almost 2!! I go to bed at night and wish I had more time with each of them that day.
11. I think my list of 25 things would be very different on a day that I was more energized. Some days I am more reflective, other days a little more goal oriented, then some days I am full of vigor and enthusiasm. Today is a low energy day.
12. I am a great organizer...I love new years because it is also the beginning of new things (like spring)...It is a starting over point and helps me to begin new projects and make new goals. I don't like to hesitate. I try to make decisions and move. I get frustrated when things are delayed because of indecisiveness or fear.
13. I am a worrier. I worry about people (especially family), schedules (like to know the plan in advance), details, interpretations, misunderstandings, feelings, time restraints, cleanliness & germs, the safetly and health of my kids, their developmental progress, their activities and how we are shaping their little lives and minds, I worry about my friends that are quiet or I havent heard from, my grandmother being lonely. I worry about people I see on the news that were victims of a crime, loss or tragedy. I worry about the underdog feeling defeated again and the teenager that is feeling alone, I worry about our future, our world and the ecomony. I worry about the layoffs affecting people I care about and so much more. I feel it all inside - some say its compassion, which I guess sounds better than worry.
14. I would love to own a boat - but not a big swimmer! Lakes are icky to me and the ocean is scarey. I don't enjoy swimming with anything other than people...like seaweed, fish, turtles or anything else around my toes. I am not a good swimmer and prefer to be in a pool where I can touch the bottom and just stand or wade.
15. A good tomato is like dessert to me!! But my dessert weakness is chips ahoy with m&m's.
16. I like to be behind the camera lens, rather than in front of it. But having family photos and candids are important to include all of us. Its too rare that we are all 6 together at once, so I treasure those pictures I have with everyone in them.
17. I am shy and a little insecure - but I love people...I a handful of close friends but always wish I had more close friends than aquaintances.
18. I don't share feelings openly but never assume that I don't feel deeply. I sometimes get so overwhelmed with emotion that its hard to breath. I think crying is used to manipulate too often and sometimes can be perceived as weak - so I avoid talking about things that hurt my heart. I don't like to look mushy or too sensitive, so I keep a lot inside. I feel, care and love much deeper than most - just not sure how to let you know it.
19. I can't stand watching the news and hearing stories that are horrific or sad that I can do nothing about. It is too frustrating to me to know such sadness, evil or hatred exists and all I can do about it is hurt.
20. I love the sound of words. It's amazing to me how a picture can be drawn with words. Some words are so descriptive that you only need a few, but I always use too many. Listening to certain people speak is entertaining to me.
21. I want my children to know me better than anyone. Most of the words I write in journals are for them.
22. I could be a life long student...but would constantly be changing my major...when I learn a little about something I find interesting I want to know everything I can about it. I like to be an expert, not to be the go-to person, but more so just to quench a thirst of my own.
23. I try to avoid people that are negative, whiney or complainers. I think gossip is a waste of energy. I believe that there are some people you just can't pull out of a funk and I believe that some people just need to decide to be happy.
24. I believe in teaching by example. I believe your actions definitely speak louder than words. I also encourage life lessons to be injected into everyday conversation with children to help them in life.
25. Kameron helped to make me who I am today, he was my inspiration and drive when I was too young or distracted to know where I should go. I believe that Kameron is truly one of the smartest people I will ever know. Connor is my entertainer - he makes me laugh, amuses me with stories and touches my heart with his love for friends & family. Katherine came at the perfect time - I needed peace and stillness, she calms me and slows me down. She was proof to me that God had faith in me and wasn't giving up on me. My children are my treasures...you can have everything I own but I would not trade a single moment with them for anything in this world.
Kelly
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Recreating Myself
Taken from Grey's Anatomy season premiere. I love this view - I recently had a similar conversation with my brother about the 7 year recreation theory. Then this episode aired and said it perfectly!!
"Every cell in the human body regenerates, on average, every 7 yrs. Like snakes, in our own way, we shed our skin. Biologically we're brand new people. We may look the same, we probably do. The change isn't physically, at least not in most of us. But we're all changed completely, forever."
"When we say things like people don't change, it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the one constant in science. Energy, matter - its always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. Its the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication - that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change is up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a 2nd chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips...it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again."
Wow - isn't that exciting!!!
"Every cell in the human body regenerates, on average, every 7 yrs. Like snakes, in our own way, we shed our skin. Biologically we're brand new people. We may look the same, we probably do. The change isn't physically, at least not in most of us. But we're all changed completely, forever."
"When we say things like people don't change, it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the one constant in science. Energy, matter - its always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. Its the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication - that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change is up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a 2nd chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips...it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again."
Wow - isn't that exciting!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Keeping My Head Above Water
My kids are off with their Dad this weekend. Hard to get use to having 'Me Time' for 6-8 hours at a time. Yesterday I spent most of my time being down, wandering about town trying to fill my quiet. Today I am indulging more in the actual ME part of ME TIME!! I spent a good part of the day studying my camera manual, not super exciting, but something I wanted to do for a LONG time and so it feels rewarding. Then I had a late lunch of heated up pizza (added big spoonfuls of tomato sauce and olives to make it MY pizza) and watched DVR'd episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. I lounged in my jammies til 5:00pm...stayed off the computer for the most part (except a quick idea email to my Mom - can't go a day without emailing my Mom). And I just now got out of a wonderful dinnertime bubble bath. Feels strange to take a bubble bath at 5:00 in the evening, but also felt very indulgent at the same time!! I used a fabulous bottle of Philosophy brand Margarita scented bubbles that I received from my friend Dolly, for my birthday. The smell was amazing - little bit of lime zip and a hint of 'take it easy' in the air.
I always get into the bath as the water is still filling. I love to watch the bubbles multiply around my toes. I think the most peaceful part of the bath is while the water is running - I think it's because it drowns out any other noises in the house. Today there weren't any noises except the dryer spinning my freshly washed sheets. But, I still enjoyed the fill process. After the water was to its max point and I turned the knob off which made the house sounds silent. I pulled my head into the water and stayed there for as long as I could, so that I wouldn't realize the quiet. When I came up for air, it was odd because I somehow felt I was still under water.
You know when you swim underwater - it's peaceful and quiet (almost as if in slow motion)...but when you pop up f
or air, you realize all the sounds - laughing, splashing, talking - that you missed while underneath. That's what my life feels like, sometimes. I am living this life with my kids, on my own. We do alright and have a good time together, making memories and going through our days...but then I must come up for air. I don't always want to - I much prefer the slow motion, dreamlike feel of escaping from the world around me, with only my children.
or air, you realize all the sounds - laughing, splashing, talking - that you missed while underneath. That's what my life feels like, sometimes. I am living this life with my kids, on my own. We do alright and have a good time together, making memories and going through our days...but then I must come up for air. I don't always want to - I much prefer the slow motion, dreamlike feel of escaping from the world around me, with only my children. 
Then sometimes, it feels like I am underwater by myself and the kids are up running about - laughing, talking, splashing - with their Daddy Those times underwater aren't so peaceful for me.
While I know this time alone is good for me to process, decompress and have quiet time to myself, it's hard to relax when things aren't as they should be. It's no fun swimming alone. I am ready for the time to come where I get to come up for air. When I can hear the laughing, talking and the splashing again.
Artificial and Toxic Ingredients
There are some things that are obviously NOT healthy for us. Other things are more subtle. I am extremely aware of what is healthy and what is not lately. Paying close attention to food contents - artificial colors and flavors, preservatives and other ingredients, pesticide ratings in produce, sugar and sodium, fat, and most recently meat. It really has become finally almost second nature to check things out before I purchase them and I am building a 'safe' database in my brain-filing system!!
Focusing on removing artificial ingredients and toxic contents can also be done when it comes to relationships. I am FINALLY learning to stop doing out of obligation. I am learning to remove myself and my kids if a situation is uncomfortable or unhealthy. I am learning that "No" can be a full sentence and starting to actually speak in one sentence paragraphs!! It is a hard transition and the relationships that are most toxic are resisting this change in me. Luckily the friends and family that love me most genuinely are super encouraging cheerleaders!
I've been so busy lately trying to get my life in order and organizing things helps me to feel less chaotic inside. I have cleaned out & de-cluttered my home - closets, drawers, shelves, cabinets, files, kids toys, clothes, linens and more. Now I have reached another part of my re-organizing, cleaning up my relationships. This one is definitely the most taxing yet.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Should go hand in hand
Nothing can get you down more than a pathetic balance in your checking account and a kid in the back seat that wants to order more at Sonic than you have the cash to cover. My world feels so heavy when I am broke. I talked him out of it but HATE kids knowing that we don't 'have the money'...it's a burden they should not be loaded down by. I went ahead and bought myself a small cherry limeade (thinking I could add vodka later!). I am boiling potatoes now for my dinner - that actually sounds pretty good to me. But, on the way home those damn tears started flowing...unexplainable sadness is heavy on me today.
I have applied for so many ridiculous jobs lately. Because I gave up my telecom-well-paying job 8 years ago, the telecom positions feel so foreign to me. I am not familiar with the terms anymore or the 'jargon'. So I search for flexible/part time and retail junk - all that I am way too qualified for but still only get rejection letters (without even an interview). Surely it's the economy right!?! My creditentials are good, my employer history top notch. But I am taking it all so personally. Feeling so unwanted. I feel like I have taken so many step backwards.
Now I find myself depending on my soon-to-be Mr. Ex - financially. I have to say that he is extremely patient and understanding about the job market. He encourages me to leave things as is and just continue to stay home with the kids til my youngest is a little older. He says things like, "I will always take care of my family". The hard part of that statement is that I am actually not what he is referring to - family - that means his kids. If I am their care-giver, then I am the one that manages the account - for the kids.
I am such an independent person...have overcome serious hardships all on my own in the past. I have tackled some amazing hurdles - many times without murmuring a word to anyone. Well now I am feeling defeated. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially...I always took care of myself and have felt good knowing that I was capable of this, if I ever needed to do so again. Marriage was not about him taking care of me...it was supposed to be a partnership...us taking care of each other. It's a shame to me that in the end the only thing that he really was willing to let me depend on him for was financial. The ONE thing I didn't care about, and now need him for. It's a strange position to be in too - knowing that I am the future Mrs. Ex but still depending on him for what he is willing to give. The sad part is - I would rather have nothing than to need someone for financial help. I would much rather know that I can depend on someone for love, support, comfort, friendship and cheerleading. I would rather have a HUSBAND than a husband's checkbook.
Why is it easier to share your paycheck than to share your heart? Seems like it should go hand in hand. Matthew 6:20-21 "Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroy nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure lies, that is where your heart lies also."
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