Keeping My Head Above Water

My kids are off with their Dad this weekend. Hard to get use to having 'Me Time' for 6-8 hours at a time. Yesterday I spent most of my time being down, wandering about town trying to fill my quiet. Today I am indulging more in the actual ME part of ME TIME!! I spent a good part of the day studying my camera manual, not super exciting, but something I wanted to do for a LONG time and so it feels rewarding. Then I had a late lunch of heated up pizza (added big spoonfuls of tomato sauce and olives to make it MY pizza) and watched DVR'd episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. I lounged in my jammies til 5:00pm...stayed off the computer for the most part (except a quick idea email to my Mom - can't go a day without emailing my Mom). And I just now got out of a wonderful dinnertime bubble bath. Feels strange to take a bubble bath at 5:00 in the evening, but also felt very indulgent at the same time!! I used a fabulous bottle of Philosophy brand Margarita scented bubbles that I received from my friend Dolly, for my birthday. The smell was amazing - little bit of lime zip and a hint of 'take it easy' in the air.

I always get into the bath as the water is still filling. I love to watch the bubbles multiply around my toes. I think the most peaceful part of the bath is while the water is running - I think it's because it drowns out any other noises in the house. Today there weren't any noises except the dryer spinning my freshly washed sheets. But, I still enjoyed the fill process. After the water was to its max point and I turned the knob off which made the house sounds silent. I pulled my head into the water and stayed there for as long as I could, so that I wouldn't realize the quiet. When I came up for air, it was odd because I somehow felt I was still under water.

You know when you swim underwater - it's peaceful and quiet (almost as if in slow motion)...but when you pop up for air, you realize all the sounds - laughing, splashing, talking - that you missed while underneath. That's what my life feels like, sometimes. I am living this life with my kids, on my own. We do alright and have a good time together, making memories and going through our days...but then I must come up for air. I don't always want to - I much prefer the slow motion, dreamlike feel of escaping from the world around me, with only my children.

Then sometimes, it feels like I am underwater by myself and the kids are up running about - laughing, talking, splashing - with their Daddy Those times underwater aren't so peaceful for me.

While I know this time alone is good for me to process, decompress and have quiet time to myself, it's hard to relax when things aren't as they should be. It's no fun swimming alone. I am ready for the time to come where I get to come up for air. When I can hear the laughing, talking and the splashing again.