Should go hand in hand

Nothing can get you down more than a pathetic balance in your checking account and a kid in the back seat that wants to order more at Sonic than you have the cash to cover. My world feels so heavy when I am broke. I talked him out of it but HATE kids knowing that we don't 'have the money'...it's a burden they should not be loaded down by. I went ahead and bought myself a small cherry limeade (thinking I could add vodka later!). I am boiling potatoes now for my dinner - that actually sounds pretty good to me. But, on the way home those damn tears started flowing...unexplainable sadness is heavy on me today.

I have applied for so many ridiculous jobs lately. Because I gave up my telecom-well-paying job 8 years ago, the telecom positions feel so foreign to me. I am not familiar with the terms anymore or the 'jargon'. So I search for flexible/part time and retail junk - all that I am way too qualified for but still only get rejection letters (without even an interview). Surely it's the economy right!?! My creditentials are good, my employer history top notch. But I am taking it all so personally. Feeling so unwanted. I feel like I have taken so many step backwards.

Now I find myself depending on my soon-to-be Mr. Ex - financially. I have to say that he is extremely patient and understanding about the job market. He encourages me to leave things as is and just continue to stay home with the kids til my youngest is a little older. He says things like, "I will always take care of my family". The hard part of that statement is that I am actually not what he is referring to - family - that means his kids. If I am their care-giver, then I am the one that manages the account - for the kids.

I am such an independent person...have overcome serious hardships all on my own in the past. I have tackled some amazing hurdles - many times without murmuring a word to anyone. Well now I am feeling defeated. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially...I always took care of myself and have felt good knowing that I was capable of this, if I ever needed to do so again. Marriage was not about him taking care of me...it was supposed to be a partnership...us taking care of each other. It's a shame to me that in the end the only thing that he really was willing to let me depend on him for was financial. The ONE thing I didn't care about, and now need him for. It's a strange position to be in too - knowing that I am the future Mrs. Ex but still depending on him for what he is willing to give. The sad part is - I would rather have nothing than to need someone for financial help. I would much rather know that I can depend on someone for love, support, comfort, friendship and cheerleading. I would rather have a HUSBAND than a husband's checkbook.

Why is it easier to share your paycheck than to share your heart? Seems like it should go hand in hand. Matthew 6:20-21 "Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroy nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure lies, that is where your heart lies also."