Another Week Over - At Last the beginning is here!!

I have been so bad about updating my blog this past week. Things seemed so overwhelming and I just could not sit and recount the events regularly. Let me just sum it up by saying that the next week was another trying, testing and scary time. Kam was having severe panic attacks and a few nights was in fear for his life. He believed that gang members were in the hospital that had something to do with his high school friends murders! (2 MNHS kids were killed upon walking into a robbery at a friends aunts house - 4 total were slain and it was a devastating event for our town, our kids and the families of those lost). He was panicked and crying - begged to leave and pleaded with staff to move him to where he was safe. He banged on doors to get out, pounded on windows, yelled at staff, cried and called me hysterical. It was awful to know he was so fearful and had no way to leave or to understand that his mind was playing games. (No one matched the description of the person he said was watching him). 

 I continued to travel the 2 hour path down the highway to see him and Mom stayed by my side thru it all. Spring Break trip plans were cancelled, meds were adjusted and more time passed.  And at last I visited one night and there was MY KAMERON!!! He reappeared and was really ready to get out of there!!!  The doctor held on to him to ensure that he maintained stable for 2 more days. During this time Kam became very hopeless again - this time feeling trapped and imprisoned. We were told release could be 'tomorrow' so many times that we all began to hate TOMORROW always being out of reach!!

At last 2 weeks after being admitted and 16 days after coming to me initially with request for help - he was released and able to move to TREATMENT!!!! But now all the beds were full at the facility we had planned for him to go and they expected only a couple, if any, to open up later that day. Centers are on a first come-first served basis and so Mom and I teamed up again to get Kameron where he NEEDED to be.

With 2 hours drive and an unknown wait time at hospital for discharge - we worried that openings would be filled before we even had Kameron with us!!!  So Mom agreed to go to treatment center and to represent Kam in the lobby and to make sure that any incoming patients formed a line BEHIND her :) Neither or us could bare the thought of Kam being turned away at this point.  Mom waited and we texted back in forth with updates. I have to say that my Mom is the absolute BEST partner and team mate that I could have ever asked for. She's my greatest allie in this world.

She waited for hours in one place while I waited for hours at the other. When at last Kameron came around the corner of the lobby, I cried uncontrollably. It felt so good to know he was finally going to treatment and that the hell of this psychiatric hospital stay was over. We held hands and walked through the parking lot in the sunshine and laughed as we talked about how this felt so unreal. We hugged and thanked each other and God for all that was behind us. 

We stopped at Whataburger for some JUNK FOOD with high calories and high fat!!  He gobbled down a big burger, fries and a shake as if he hadn't seen food in months. It was comforting to see my boy EAT again and to have back a healthy appetite. Its always made me feel good to see my kids eat well - it shows they are healthy and relaxed and its awesome to watch them get their fill and nourishment.

We arrived - at last - to treatment!!! Kam was happy, content and felt safe at last!!  Mom and I toured again with him and met with staff during his admittance. We hugged him hard, told him how proud we were and how very much he is loved. Then we left him in the good hands of God and treatment. 

He called me that night to say "thank you!"  All I could do was cry. Thanks be to God for my amazing son and for his journey to recovery that is NOW finally beginning!! 

"...we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

3/10 Hearing Day

Overnight I was struggling with a lot of fear...I was having an impossible time being at peace with the next facility we would take Kameron too.  I struggled with fear over how inconsistent he is still and was nearly paralyzed with fear of being rejected again at another treatment center because of the psychiatric concerns.

We arrived at court very early and when the attorney came in she arranged for me to meet with the doctor to discuss the commitment, my concerns and his reports to date.  We determined that filing a continuance which will provide additional time for increased stability with more consistency. He is still very confused, has reported still hearing voices and has needed emergency medications on a twice daily schedule. Dr sees that times are consistent with meds wearing off and will up dosing frequency or levels to see if this helps prevent emergency med need.
If he sees stabilizing with additional days and medication dosing then he
can release him then without court. Otherwise we will reconvene in court
in a wk if it takes that long to revisit the decision and recommendations.
I was now at peace.  My ONLY concern was how Kameron would take it.  I hate hurting him or having him sad, but knew in my heart of hearts that this was again the absolute best decision for him in the long run.  His attorney talked w/ him about this before we finalize with requesting the court. He understands that he's getting more time to stabilize and for the panic attacks and anxiousness to subside. He knows I'm going to be working hard to find
absolute best place for him while he continues to level. He didn't react mad or angry or sad.

Mom and I left with a weight lifted and a calming as we now had time to go check out some facilities and could rest assured that Kameron would have more time to have meds adjusted and to become consistently stabilized.  We spent the day looking at an incredible facility that we are hopeful will have an opening when Kameron is ready.  It's beautiful with a great environment and atmosphere for thriving and for life!!!  ((I am not going to mention names here because Kameron needs some privacy and we cannot risk his safety with bad influences locating him and reconnecting at such a critical time)).

Mom and I had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel and shopped awhile there too.  Nothing can distract from worries and weariness like that gift shop!!  We bought a couple surprises for my littles - Connor & Katherine and just took it slowly for a while.  We drove by a beautiful hotel/spa and went in to tour it for a bit - again a wonderful distraction to the chaos and pain going on in our family.  When it got close to time - we headed back out and down the highway, through rush hour ridiculous traffic and returned to Kameron for visiting hours. 

When we arrived he was VERY clear!!  I was stunned and so excited because it was as if nothing ever happened!!!!!  He had his regular clothes on, had showered, told me about meds changing, a group meeting he had, time with doctor and just all around great day!!  We talked about the treatment center Mom and I had viewed and he asked about going.  When we reminded him of the doctors need to level meds to keep him feeling good he started to panic and react again.  He shared with us that he was fearful and believed that one of the other patients there with tatoos was in the same gang that had been involved in a murder that took place in our town when he was in high school.  (Two of his friends were killed when they walked into a robbery at one of the kids aunts house).  He began crying and frantically trying to explain that he was in danger.  He called for his nurse and doctor and for police.  He spiralled quickly out of control and was hysterically crying out for help.  The nurses suggested we cut our visit short and they gave him some fast acting medicine and tried to calm him.  Mom and I left the visiting area and went into the nurses station to talk with nurse...and heard a loud pounding on the door/glass..Kameron. :(

It broke my Mom down and was devestating to see how quickly things went from incredibley wonderful to terribley wrong again.  It confirmed my fears that he was not yet stable enough to leave.  I am seeing some positives in this though.  That murder of his high school friends occurred right before he began to have issues with drugs and alcohol.  I truly believe that all the things he has been pushing down and trying not to feel are now coming to the surface.  He has been drug free for 8 days now and it's only natural that some of what he has tried NOT to feel will now come out.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting so deeply.  The more intense the episodes are the more deeply go the scars. 

I am reassured as the good - when I see it - is almost 100% the Kameron we all know and love.  But I am very scared that the bad is still there and is consistently appearing a couple times a day with a need for extreme treatment to help him through it.  Please continue to pray for Kameron's mind to heal from the drugs and for his heart to heal from hurt.  God is good and in control.

Catching Up on Updates

So much transpires in a day and now I have gone a couple days without an update...Hope I can recall the past couple days without a long dissertation again...

Tuesday was a full day of calls for me - I had originally planned to leave to head Kam's way that morning with Mom to set up at hotel and make my calls from there...but the usual lately is that nothing goes as planned...so I was home til about 4:15 on the phone ALL DAY. 

Talk to County Attorney at DA's office - The Doctor has stated he wants to release Kameron on "FURLOUGH" status. Basically committing him but releasing him to follow dr orders or get additional care and if within 90 days if he does not follow orders then they can take him back into their care or state facility. It was explained to me that this is a 'safety net' as if he does need emergency care again that he will not be denied and will be taken back in to where he was originally taken on Wed night.

The recommendation is both good and a relief and also of great concern to me.
Good - he can now go get the drug treatment he needs and we can do in an inpatient facility. I believe we can determine this on our own with insurance.
Bad - he will be COMMITTED ON FURLOUGH...which would work like a probation would and he would then have the lifelong tag of being committed. Just as with criminal courts - probation does not clear the charge just clears the punishment.

As family we have committed already to Kameron's future and treatment. He does not need the mental 'commitment' on his back for life. He is 21 years old and no past history of mental illness, just drug abuse. Doctor and I are in agreement that his psychiatric needs are due to drug induced psychosis, not mental illness and overtime this should level out.  He doesn't deserve the lifelong stigma that goes along with this - he already has a battle to fight with 'recovering drug addict'.  I discussed this with his attorney and she agreed.

Mom and I went to visit Kameron.  It was a nice visit and he was excited that court was coming tomorrow.  His disposition was generally happy and calm for the most part.  He was really showing love and compassion to all those other patients around us that were without family visiting.  He introduced us to every person there and invited them to sit with us.  He was a gentle friend to an elderly lady named Ann.  He complimented her eyes, her hair, trying to make her smile.  He comforted her as she talked about her fears.  He was polite and pulled people in to our talks that we sitting across the room alone.  I was so happy to see his HEART again and could feel that his compassion was genuine.  He was feeling hopeful about leaving and felt bad for the ones that would remain.  They all hugged him and commented to me and Mom about how good of a boy he is and he made everyone smile.  But when it was time to leave he broke down.  Begging us to take him - crying and panicking again.  We told him that court was in the morning and we would know more then.
It was such a hard night at this point because I became very concerned about how quickly his stable appearance changes. He is still getting emergency meds to calm him TWICE DAILY and I dreaded him being released and then sent away AGAIN from a treatment center that will not take him with psychiatric instability. 

Moving ahead to court hearing on Thursday -
Mom and I got a room near the hospital for court the next morning.  I am so proud of the DEAL I got!!!  We sat at Panera Bread at 9pm on our laptops searching for a room with a decent rate in a good part of the town near by.  I named my own price on Priceline.com and booked it.  We stayed in a $229 a night room at the downtown Hilton for $69!  It was Mom's birthday and I was so happy to have a nice room with her instead of Laquinta or Days Inn in icky-ville.  The bathroom had Crabtree and Evelyn soaps, lotions and bath gels so I presented the lovely assortment to Mom as her birthday gift! :)  She was such a good sport.  Our beds were amazing and room was so nice - we slept well from about 11:30 til 6:30 - and headed to court. 

3/8 Tuesday - Update

My employee benefit of Legal Assistance Services has provided me with an attorney contact....We talked briefly about situation and he is checking with another attorney on getting case numbers and some other info for me.  He will call back. 

I asked him about setting up a Power of Attorney (POA) for making health care decisions FOR Kameron or on his behalf...as my family and I believe that if this in place and Kameron remains unstable, then I can speak for him and have more control on what happens next.  For a good part of the morning I worked on setting up a POA for Kameron to present to him and see what he thought about signing this. 

I talked to nurse today and she said Kam's meds were adjusted again.  She said I could call him as he was not with dr at that time or in a group - I called and Kam sounded very irritated - he said WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  I said - just calling to check on you honey, how are you today?  He very abruptly says - DON'T CALL ME HERE!  I said - why?  whats wrong Kameron?  He says - JUST STOP CALLING ME HERE!  I said - can I come and see you?  He says - YES and hung up.  Later I learned that he had to be medicated around this time.  I am not sure the extent of his behavior but if it was more of what I heard on the phone, I believe that he could have been talked down through this instead.  

Tuesday night I went to see Kameron. I actually did see KAMERON!
He stood right up and hugged me. A few times he said he was feeling a panic attack coming on so I encouraged him to breath and calm down...we talked about light subjects for a while and he calmed. He recognized a nurse walking by and called out, "Jenny" She turned to him and he said, "you were my nurse" . She thought for a minute and said - yes, I was when you were in the ER (that was the first day - wed!!) My mouth dropped that he remembered her NAME and recognized her and could recall anything from that time. She was surprised too and said he looked much better.


He was overall good - still some foggy confusion issues but not at all like I have seen over the past several days. He and I talked about how he is feeling trapped - not sure he is in the right place anymore as he cannot relate to other patients, there is no activity and he feels like his mind is clear. Because of the Order of Protective Custody he feels like he is even more trapped - which makes him almost like a caged animal at times where he pounds on the nurses station door and gets very angry. He got up a couple times while we talked and knocked on the door to the nurses station. When he came back I asked why he does that...he said because I need to talk to a nurse and no one talks to me!


I told him about the court hearing coming up and explained the Power of Attorney - he said where's the pen? I explained that we need 2 witnesses and a notary and that we need help from a nurse or doctor to get it done legally. He stood up and asked for a nurse. When she came he said - My Mom and I need to see a doctor. They stated dr leave at 5 and so he felt defeated and sat back down. A few min later he started breathing heavy and crying - feeling trapped again. He said several people have been discharged since he arrived and he is scared he will be there forever. He is very overwhelmed now with FEELING and discomfort from being 'trapped' with NOTHING to do. He mentioned he still needs drug treatment - which is why some of these outbursts are happening...he is reacting as an addict that has no idea how to cope so he cries and breaths hard then asks for meds to help prevent a panic attack...throws a fit til he gets medicated (Emergency meds). Nurses have to medicate when he gets punching walls or violent because if he hurts some one then police have to be called. Personally I believe what I was watching was Kameron as a little boy who knows how to work it til he gets his way. Plus some foggy and unclear thinking still...but not a mental patient...more behavioral - which is covered in drug treatment.


I talked to the nurse after 10 - he (nurse) agreed that Kam is in need for drug treatment - he said they have a chemical dependency group next door and that in the unit he is in that they also have daily groups for the same. He said now that Kam is more stable and psychosis has not been an issue - that he would recommend that Kameron take part in those groups. I was SOOOOO glad to hear that!!!! He also said that when Kam starts to 'panic' or throw a fit (as I call it) then he would try talking firm to him like I did a few times tonight saying - Kameron! Just breath and calm yourself. You are frustrated but need to appropriately work through that. This behavior will only keep you here longer!!!! It worked when I saw it starting...but then again I am MOMMY still and he knows how to push my buttons and I know which ones are his off switches too :)


My plan for the day on Wed...call AGAIN and AGAIN AND AGAIN to request conversation with the doctor...and will be pushing hard for him to get into the chemical dependency group!!!! frustrated I am sure...poor Kam is active and there is NOTHING to do but go down one short hall way and around a circle of waiting room chairs. He had the Newsweek magazine memorized!!!!


When I left he was very sad and feeling super trapped. The fact that he is standing up and asking for doctors and nurses now is a huge thing!!! He is speaking up some for himself although still not super confident in doing that so acts out when no results. I asked the nurse to note for doctor my comments about needing drug treatment to start NOW and to try to talk him down from the panic attacks rather than medicate all the time. Mom and I are heading that way to stay in a hotel tomorrow night for the early morning through hearing. I plan to be a crazy calling fool tomorrow if someone doesn't return a call soon!!!!


Overall - good night with him. Much more like the old days with him!!!! Now I see issues are mostly drug treatment ready!! :)


Please pray for that he continues to stabilize and that he gets some drug treatment or tomorrow!!!!

Court Hearings for Kam

Writing on Wed to recap - Finally on Monday I was able to make and receive calls to people that can help OTHER than the nurse on duty.  I have been so frustrated as I could not move forward over the weekend much except to work on outside things like cleaning out apartment for Kameron, checking on his lease, visiting him, researching and documenting etc.

Today I learned - there is a social worker assigned to the doctors patients and he also spends time with Kameron himself...he attends to court information and coordinates things for families like referrals for facilities, legal matters etc.  At last I was given some information on the process underway...Still lots of blanks and unknowns but did learn more than I knew before.

Kam is now admitted to the hospital on an ORDER OF PROTECTIVE CUSTODY - OPC.  This means he is there involuntary basically because the original order for 72 assessment and observation was nearing expiration and they did not feel it was safe for him to leave, so they filed with the courts to keep him.  Because he is there involuntarily they have to return to continue to present evidence that it is necessary to keep him.   A Doctor can request OPC to be dropped if patient can be transitioned to another facility, signs in voluntarily, if there is insurance or if the patient has been treated and can be safely released.  As of Monday morning - it is a safe bet that they have probable cause to keep him.

After the probable cause hearing there will be 2 more court hearings - Thursday is the first of these.  These hearings are basically where the case is re-evaluated, but have also been referred to as a 'commitment hearing'.  Bottom line - the doctor will make recommendation as to if Kameron needs to continue care there or move to a longer term facility - in this case they would request a state mental hospital (which scares me to DEATH!!!)  I have discussed my concern with this option with nurses and social workers but it is such a standard practice to them that they almost act as if I am not taking this seriously enough. 

First of all - Kameron is not a mental patient long term.  He is has a drug problem.  Once he is stabilized - he will not need long term mental care.  Secondly - we have private insurance and can select a private facility and use private funds rather than state funding.  And mostly - if ANYONE of us ever had a need for medical care of ANY KIND, obviously you would NEVER choose a government owned and run facility for your care.  Imagine county free health clinics compared to your private practice doctors office...medical options based on costs vs options.  It sickens me to imagine that for him and also the state facilities are in my opinion long term holding cells for people they do not know what to do with.  Even the most severe case of mental illness deserves to be within a community and to have family close.  ((As you can see this subject is going to be one that I fight VERY VERY VERY hard on for him!!))  If he needs longer term stabilization and care for mental illness then WE will make sure that he gets this...WE - the FAMILY, not a government.

I don't have all the answers to my questions yet but know that one of two things can happen...they can release him, or they will keep him longer.  He explained that the hospital he is at is not intended to be a longer stay than 2 weeks - so either if further care is required he will either be sent to state facility 'committed' involuntarily - or can be 'furlowed' and sent home for up to 90 days. This means he has to manage the care outside of the hospital back in the community with care through doctors, other facilities, groups, and/or outpatient treatment.   If the patient does not continue care or misses appointments, deviating from the treatment plans - they can then recommit him and send him to the state facility involuntarily.  He explained that furlow is only if they have had enough progress to go home and continue care (like being on probation).  Families can call and resend the furlow agreement if they are concerned and the patient can be sent then to the state facility.  No one even talks about any other option for longer term care - it's like the answer at that point is just throw them in the black hole!!! 

He explained that family participation is encouraged and we can even testify on his behalf during court hearings.  However, I have called and called and called again...and NO ONE returns my calls.  I have asked EVERY nurse I come in contact with to have the doctor call me, I want to schedule an appointment, set up a time when I am there to visit, anything!!!! (My request has been made numerous ways and multiple times a day - checking in to visit, calling and asking the nurse that answers the phone, requesting through Kam's a.m. and p.m. nurses, leaving voicemail messages for social worker, asking Kam to let Dr know to call - it just such a getting-nowhere process).

Like I said - a doctor can request to drop OPC if a patient can be transferred to another facility or signs in voluntarily or there is private insurance care available.  But at this point I am not even sure the doctor knows there is family or insurance!!!!  I want to scream sometimes or break down...but breaking down means not moving forward so I just have to BREATHE and go!

The fact that we have insurance on Kameron is a blessing like no other!!!  Bobby - thank you so much for always looking out for Kameron and adding him as soon as you learned of new laws for adult children coverage!!!!  That move may have been the most critical pre-Wed move any of us has made!!!!  Thank you.  Hopefully someone will listen soon.  I cannot be ignored for much longer.

I have been told that the court appointed attorney on Kam's case will also be notified that family wants to be involved and if Kam will sign a CONSENT TO RELEASE INFORMATION then they will talk with me freely.  But again - haven't heard from attorney and no one will give me the name or contact information!!!  They forward me to social workers line which hasn't responded to calls since the initial contact.

 

Please please please continue to pray for Kameron.  And add to your list Social Worker - Michael, Dr. B, nurses Mimi, Jana, Ji-Ji, Dorothy, and Bea  - along with anyone else involved in his care. Please also pray for me as I continue to beat my head against a brick wall and start to see that the mental illness quest for help can eventually make a sane person crazy!! 

Thank you!!!!

 

Nurses Reports 3/6 and 3/7

Post from an email to family to update from Sun & Monday -
Please understand that I am trying to keep this email to facts at this time.  I cannot even begin to input my emotions right now or my fears.  If I am to get thru this email then I have to just write facts...so don't misread that I am unemotional, that is FAR FAR FAR from the truth.

Sunday about 10:30 I talked to Kameron's nurse.  She explained that he was still very confused and more aggetated this night than the night before.  He didnt want to take his meds but she was finally able to have him take them he is very dillusional still and talking about suicide.  She said he knows how he wants to do it and can describe in detail the way he would.  She also said that he had made attempts to leave that morning.  I asked if this is subsiding at all and she said no - the night before was a little better but overall no change I asked her what they seem to think this is and she said she could not diagnois but that it appears a lot like schizophrenia.  (I have read about marijuanas link to schizophrenia and one nurse said this is more common in people in their 20's).  She did say that Kam was admitted into the inpatient facility on Friday evening - so has only seen on call doctors and has not participated in in daily psych or groups yet.  She said that his doctor would return on Monday and that he will spend a lot of time with him initially to get familiar with Kameron and his care, needs, behavior.  She also said he would be in groups and have more structured 'care' at this point.  I asked if the doc would consider altering medications since there is no change and she said she would assume he would.

MONDAY

This morning I talked to nurse Mimi - Mimi wasn't as helpful but did tell me that he is very aggetated and threatening again today.  She said he is just not redirectable and had to be given a shot to calm him.  The Doctor had the chart at that time so that is all the information she had available.  More as I know it.

Please continue to pray...over and over and over and over and over again.

 

Organized Chaos

When I visited with Kameron on Saturday one of the things he asked about was if I was taking care of his 'stuff'.  I asked him to clarify which 'stuff' he was concerned about.  He said - what's going on with my apartment?  I said, do you want to go back there?  He said, "No!!  Too many bad memories, I have to get out of there".  So I reassured him that I had it taken care of and he was not going to ever have to return there.  I was so thankful to hear that he wanted out and that a move would ultimately help to save him from reconnecting with some of the kids he has been involved with.

This Mama wasted NO time with this request...On Sunday morning I picked up some boxes and my friend Joy, then we headed to his apartment.  We spent all afternoon there reclaiming his LIFE in many ways!!!  I explained as we walked in that I couldn't really understand why but that I felt we needed to do this move very orderly.  I didn't want to throw everything in boxes in a rush, only to have to sort through it later.  I guess there has been so much out-of-control-chaos that I just needed this to be slower and with some control.  It was a must to me that we methodically work room by room sorting, labeling and neatly packing away the items of value or that fit within the picture of the life he deserved ahead. 

Joy knows me well and understood exactly what I meant so we worked as a team - starting in the kitchen...we moved through the apartment and storage closet together.

We sorted and organized into piles of decor, electronics, books, memory items, personal use, kitchen, clothing, and more.  As we came across items that were a clear reminder of what kind of chaos has gone on there - she would hand it to me and I would throw it into a deep black trash bag. (She enjoyed watching me THROW it away - Some things received much more enthusiasm to get rid of and I would SLAM them into the trash and say NO MORE!)  We threw away trash, broken items, drug related miscellaneous things, and stuff that just didn't fit the picture of a GOOD LIFE and THRIVING.  As we filled trash bags, we cleared them out by throwing them onto the patio. Yes, THROWING them! :)  We boxed items to keep, labeled them and stacked them neatly by the door to go down three flights to my van.

By the end of the day the apartment smelled better and felt calmer.  I realized that I was now sitting at the table and breathing slower - more relaxed and at peace.  I thanked her for letting me 'process' through this with her and we talked for a while about the recent events, my fears, my hopes and my faith in God to heal my son.  I told her I was having a hard time feeling COMFORT from Him.  I explained that friends can wrap their arms around me and I FEEL that...but when I pray it feels so insignificant and intangible.  I cried because I felt so helpless, hopeless and scared at times.  We talked for almost an hour about it all. When we began the day the place felt dark, heavy and overwhelming - I was shakey and nervous and not comfortable at all being there...after our work it just felt better.   

By now it was getting late and I was feeling bad that my littles (Connor and Katherine) were being tucked in and I was missing the good night kisses.  So we packed up the van and locked the apartment up until next time when we will only need to focus on larger furniture items.  When I dropped Joy off she prayed with me, hugged me and told me she loved me.  On the drive home alone, I kept the stereo off.  I considered the day and realized I was finally feeling COMFORT.  My heart was warm as I remembered the relief I felt as I came across items under the mess that showed where Kam's focus was before it got covered up.  I could see the apartment we were so excited to move him into and the life he originally intended set up underneath.

A photo of Connor on his bathroom mirror, a framed poem written by my brother, gifts from a girlfriend he chose when things were good in his life, memories from childhood and reminders of who he IS inside - all good things.  There was order and organization under the mess that tried to hide it.  But once we filled those trash bags of all the things that distracted him from HIS LIFE - then all the sudden I realized that his life was shining through.  There was something very therapeutic in throwing things away and tying off the bags and removing it all from site!  There was something calming in placing his things neatly in boxes with such order that someday when it is right then he can unpack and set up his new home and future.  It was good to store away with such care and respect the items that deserved a place in his future and to leave behind those that in no way matched that vision.

For the FIRST time since this all began, I felt calm inside and felt order and healing beginning.  Thank you God for sending COMFORT to me in big and small ways today.  And thank you HEFTY for big black trash bags to remove the junk and to get it out of site.

This photo was taken when Kameron first moved into his apartment.  The kids, my Mom and I came over to help him decorate and set up.  It was a fun day and Kam was so excited about the future.

Game Time

When I visited Kameron on Saturday 3/5, Bobby went with me.  Kameron had asked many, many times about Bobby and wanted to see him.  Kam has been very focused on fathers - his real dad, his step dad, my dad - asking where they are and when they were coming. 

Each of the times that I have seen Kam since Wed have been discouraging.  I leave feeling scared, shaken and full of despair.  This day Kameron still seemed very confused and the way he acted, looked and even walked really took Bobby by surprise.  (There is just no way to describe the scene fully so that someone isn't a little stunned when they walk into it.)  When we arrived the nurse warned us that he may be sleeping because he was 'very sick' that morning.  (I learned later that doesn't mean physically sick, it meant that he had an episode that meant he needed emergency meds to calm him).  However, they were able to wake him and he came out to sit with us in the community room (large waiting room type area with nothing but chairs and a TV).  He walked very slowly almost like it hurt his legs to walk, his back was very stiff and he moved very slowly.  He didn't show any emotion as he sat down but did say hi and chatted with us a little - mostly answering my questions and attempts to have conversation. 

I need to back up a second, on Monday when he first called me for help - I learned later that he also had called Bobby.  When Bobby talked to him he wanted Kameron to know how much he missed him and tried to plan time together with an activity Kam would enjoy.  He offered up that Johnson (my stepson) was playing now on the Varsity Soccer team for the same high school Kameron did.  He explained that the game was Friday night and that he would like to take Kam so that they could spend some time together.  Kameron agreed to go and was looking forward to it.  By Wed when things had spiraled out of control and we were driving to our planned destination of a drug treatment center, he talked about the game plans.  He asked me to be sure that he was available still on Friday because he wanted to go with Bobby.  I saw then that this was not just something he had agreed to but it was something he REALLY WANTED to do and it meant a lot to him to be invited.  (So many months of no family time prior made this very touching to me)

Back to Saturday - As we talked Kameron turned to Bobby and asked "Did Johnson win his game last night?"  My jaw hit the floor.  He has been through such an ordeal this entire week starting Monday and was so confused, disoriented and out of his mind.  I was shocked that he remembered there even was a game planned and even more blown over by the fact that he knew it was the night before!!!  I said, "Kameron!!!  How on Earth did you remember that there was a game??  How did you even know it was LAST NIGHT?!"  He just simply said - "It was important to me."

This was my glimmer of hope.  Things were still VERY out of control and troubling - but this showed his heart was with family.  Thank you God for encouraging us by showing that through all months of disconnect and the many days of crisis that family is still a priority to Kameron.

A Scary State of Mind

It is so hard to keep everyone updated...so sometimes I ramble on responding to one email and then later realize that would be a good one to update several...so I am posting this one on the blog.  I feel that I have not fully explained how severe this situation is when it comes to Kam's mental challenges and and to describe the facility and some of his concerning behavior.

please if you pray, pray hard!!  We need to see some improvement soon or the fear of long term issues is greater.

***********************

Its far worse than I can explain.

We are very concerned because he is having psychotics episodes where he is hearing voices and seeing demons.  He is in a daze or very emotional.  He has cried out several times a day for his DAD - usually meaning his birth dad that disappeared from his life when he was 2.  He has talked about needing his Dad and refers to Bobby, his step dad.

He has had to be sedated because he was very amped up at one point and wanted to pray with other patients and trying to 'lay hands' on people to heal them.  He says he is so tired from trying to heal people...He has fallen asleep and awoke with heavy crying saying.  He talks about how he has seen far too much evil and cannot get it out of his mind.

Its all mixed up in his mind and I believe much of this is sincere heart felt hurt that some have left him in his life and that others need him but he can't seem to help.  I am trying to explain that he needs to focus on himself only right now so that he can begin to heal.  He begs me to take him to a different place - one that is less insane asylum feeling...he says people where he is are good but there is so much bad in the world - its his way of describing how he knows they are trying to help.  But he is scared of how long he will be at this place.  To be honest it is very scary to me to see him here - so institutionalized feeling.  He stares into space and whispers...he stares into my eyes and begs me to go home...then gets a blank look and closes his eyes. 

The nurse today told me that sometimes when kids start using drugs as teens when the brain and emotions are still developing that it can spark a mental illness like schizophrenia or other psychotic illnesses.  She also comforts me with the fact that some of this may just be drug induced, made worse by lack of sleep, food and added fears, withdrawals etc and will over time level off and he will be back to himself.  Obviously that is helpful to calm my worries some - so they are giving him anti psychotic meds to help stop the voices and scary parts - and he is sleeping a lot because he just doesn't know what to do with himself there.  He looks like a mental patient with a dragging of his feet when he walks and a blank look on his face...his hair is a mess and he wrings his hands.  But every once in a while he talks very normal and asks about things going on outside of there - soccer games or family members, asks me to help him move out of where he lives and so on...

All I can do is pray and work hard to make a way for healing for him.  I just need to see him level off and stabilize...

no treatment can happen until he is stable.  He is the the most severe mental illness unit at the hospital where most of the patients have been put there against their will.  The nurse did tell me he could over time do better and be moved to more functioning patients that don't hear voices or wander aimlessly around.

Its just so unreal...absolutely unreal.

I can't even believe I am looking at my 21 year old son when I see him like this...he is like an old homeless man that has no one...someone you would walk quickly past and feel pity for.  Its so so so much worse than I can explain.

Thank you for your prayers - it is the GREATEST gift you can give us.

Tattle Tale

I am so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers as a result of my writing about my son here.  Part of me worries that someday when things are better again, he will be very angry that I shared such personal information.  Part of me thinks he will revert back to that little boy that used to get so angry when he would sass back to me and I would call Grandpa as a punishment!  He used to get so upset with me that I 'told on' him when he did things he wasn't proud of.  What he forgot to notice was that when he did the more numerous amounts of GREAT things, I also called and 'told on' him to Grandpa!  Kameron has always been the most special part of my life.  His life has always been a gift to me, having him at such a young age meant that mostly I parented by trial and error.  I knew what my parents did that I did NOT want to do, I knew what I saw other parents do that I always kind of envied - but I didn't really know what worked and what didn't, what would have good long term effects to help raise a morale and good person and which things would undermine this by making him feel embarrassed, discouraged or that I was disappointed in him.  We learned as we went along and he helped to raise me too.  One thing I have always been most proud of was that we are so very close.  We were more like friends or brother and sister than mom & son.  He was my buddy, my dinner mate, my travel companion, my friend.  I was his confidant, his fashion advisor and his cheerleader.  We consulted each other on everything and shared more than most as we fought against the odds life handed us as such a young family.  He always amazed me at how incredibly smart he was and I can clearly recall when I began to fear that he may just surpass his Mama...and figure out that I did not actually know it all!!!  :)

Well, Kameron - if someday down the road you read this...Please know that I am in NO WAY 'telling on' you.  I am instead sharing our story of this most difficult time in hopes that it will help others to understand why it is so important to me that they pray for you.  I considered at first keeping this very personal information to myself but I felt a very strong push encouraging me to reach out to others and to allow them to support us, love us and pray with us.  I knew this was probably going to be the biggest challenge of our lives and I knew that I could in no way do enough on my own to fix it.  As you well know, I definitely do not know it all, so needed encouragement, suggestions, and the power that comes in numbers.  I have asked everyone to pray for you and the amount of prayers are countless at this point!  I am only one person and if I prayed all day long (which I might add - I am!), I cannot get the message through loud enough.  This is your life, Honey and I cannot risk being the only one that is asking God to help you.  So I am depending on everyone and anyone that I know to cry out with me.  You are my most precious child and it is out of love that I share.  I hope you will understand that when the time comes and that you will thank me for doing this because it brought you back to us safe and for good.  And I promise you, my love, when that day comes...I will be shouting from the rooftops and sharing again our story as I 'tell on' you for beating the demons, fighting the fight and for regaining control over your life.  I will be 'telling on' your amazing strength, your unstoppable determination and your winning spirit that never gave up and dealt with every single tiny detail of this pain until you WON!!!  I will go back to when I was your cheerleader and will be jumping for joy and celebrating WITH you!!!!

I love you Kameron.  I love you so very very very much.  Fight that fight with all your might!  Be strong, be courageous and be ALIVE!!!!

With all my heart, with all that I am - I am so proud of you and thankful for each and every second of your life.  Thank you for being my gift and for sharing your good and bad with me, my son and my friend. 

Mom

I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU

UPDATE FOR THOSE ASKING -

My son, Kameron, has been absent from our lives since a little before christmas - came christmas eve but short visit and it was 'off'.  He shut me out from then on.  I knew something was wrong and pleaded with him to connect with me, return my calls, text me, come see me, meet me for dinner - anything!!!  Finally this week he called.

THE CALL

6:00am - "Mom, I need you now!  I've needed you for a long time, but I really need you right now!!!"

I invited him to come right then.  He asked for help - wouldn't let me take him to treatment though - insisted he could do it alone.  By Wed he came back - to my Moms and agreed that he needed drug treatment.  He was shaken and scared because he was feeling suicidal...he was very manic and had some visions and pretty scarey stuff going on. 

PLEA FOR HELP

I drove him to a drug treatment center - but they too were concerned and said that they believed he needed an psych evaluation first...they sent us to the Emergency Room where we sat for 5 hours!!  The end result was only that they RELEASED him!!!  I begged them to help us - to refer him to a facility that would help...they sent us out.  I asked what we should do - she suggested an outpatient treatment group at 8:30am the next day.  I cried - what do we do until then?!?!  Our nurse then tells us - I am not sure, but he has been released so you can not stand in THIS room and discuss that...you need to leave right now!  Basically kicking us out!!!  Her name was VICKI, she is a TCU grad from Shreveport - I know all this because my son took a lot of time trying to get to know her some - asking about the spelling, where she went to school, where she was from when she first walked into the room - He was pretty sure she would help him and lit up in enthusiasm as he chatted it up with her!!!  Thanks VICKI. 

As we left I was in a panic about what to do.  He was ranting and yelling and screaming and I loaded him up in the car...almost in shock.  I called the treatment center we started at - believing if he was released after eval then they would take him now...but his ranting in the background only made things worse.  They told me they could not take him when they heard him yelling.  As I was talking and driving - Kameron tries to open the car door and talked about killing himself!  (Door has safety feature for kids - thank god!!) 

NOW ARE YOU LISTENING?!?  HE NEEDS HELP!!!

I did a u-turn right there in the middle of the road and hauled it back to ER as fast as possible.  I remembered two police cars out front and speed to them - jumped out and begged for help.  At last we saw compassion!!  Once the police had things under control I ran into the hospital and threw a massive screaming wild mom manic fit!!!  I was hysterical and made the biggest scene you can possibley imagine.  I YELLED "We came to you for help - asked for a phsyc evaluation to get my son help - YOU RELEASED HIM after making him sit and wait for FIVE HOURS...basically doing NOTHING!!!!  YOU RELEASED HIM!!!!  HE JUST ATTEMPTED TO JUMP OUT OF MY MOVING VEHICLE TO KILL HIMSELF AND IS OUTSIDE in handcuffs with POLICE!!!  WILL YOU PLEEEEASE HELP HIM NOW!!!"   I was then told to get back to the front triage and reregister him to be seen again!  I was so defeated and turned to walk away but then froze.  I turned around again and scanned the crowd of nurses, patients, family members, volunteers and other staff...I was hoping someone would look at me and that I could make eye contact.  No one was looking - they had gone back to whatever it was they were doing before I came back in.  I stood there - STUCK.  Stunned and in fear.  I could NOT let him down, he asked me to help him and now I needed help!!!  a beautiful lady caught my eye - a black woman that I remembered from when we entered 5 hours earlier.  She saw me paralyzed with a panicked look on my face, as I collapsed with tears.  She said, "Honey, what is wrong?"  I just turned to her and melted into her, "I NEED HELP!!!!!!!"  She put her arm around me and walked out with me to join the police, my sobbing mother and my cuffed son.

COMPASSION

At last someone helped us!  At last we saw compassion...at last something was going to happen.  The police put him under a Mental Warrant which means he is a danger to himself and they can order the hosp to observe, assess and keep him safe for 72 hours while they attempt to stabilize him.  So now no one could refuse treating him!!!  They left and took him down to another hospital and got him admitted into Mental Unit ER...there he was given meds to calm him and to treat some of the manic and psychiosis.  The officer assured me that he would make sure Kameron received some help tonight and would be safe.  Officer BJ Bowen - you are my angel.

ADVOCATING, FIGHTING AND PROTECTING

Unfortunately they took him to a place thats 2 hours from me...so I did not get to see him until I received a doctor update (which was nearly impossible to get because he is an adult and laws require he has to give permission...communicating with nurses in this environment is difficult too - when by phone calls only)  But I felt very good that I had done EVERYTHING I could to get him into a place to keep him safe.  In the meantime I have called original treatment center back, called a drug counselor, called the police officer to give him my insignificant thanks for saving my son's life...I have worked a 5 hour shift in a daze (because my employeer allowed me to stay because I insisted I NEEDED the distraction as I waited for 72 hours to pass)  I took back control of Kam's apartment - clearing out the drugs, the people and taking items of value for safe keeping until I can get the rest of it.  I have moved his car to a safe location. Talked to management there about ending his lease.  I have washed loads of clothes for him, packed a small bag for him to have in the facility including fresh clothing, a new toothbrush, toothpaste and chapstick.  I have received nasty mean text messages from the 'girlfriend' about how I am doing the wrong thing - deleted text messages to prevent me from lashing out back at her...knelt down to pray that he will truly be done with this...I have followed up with nurses, requested calls from social services, dealt with insurance, reviewed old text messages to get an idea of exactly what was going on, made notes, and researched medicines he is now receiving, called creditors and tried to also take care of my little ones.  ((not such a great job on that :( - Luckily their Daddy is there for them and I am working on getting more support for them while I am navigating thru the mountains of items I need to tend to))

I am mostly doing all I can do to move forward and to avoid getting stuck again - this time in a grieving mode.  I am scared and powered by fear at this point but mostly its a determination to get MY Kameron back!!  He's amazing - here are some of my favorite pictures over the past 5 years.

 Praying for you Kameron.  Breath Honey!  Rest your worries and lay them at the feet of Jesus.  Put your life in Gods hands and He will deliver you far from the dangers and fears you have today.  I love you with all my heart and am so very proud of you for knowing it was time...for calling out to family and for fighting for YOU!!  Words can not begin to express how very much you mean to me, how much you add to my life and how thankful I am for every second of your life. 

FRIDAY 3/4 UPDATE

There have been some new issues over the past couple days.  The doctors have admitted Kameron into their inpatient facility and moved him from the Emergency observation area.  They have not been able to stabilize him but the 72 hour period is over tomorrow.  So they have also obtained an ORDER OF PROTECTIVE CUSTODY - which basically means they took away his right to his own decision on if he stays or goes.  This is alright because he needs to be there but unfortunately it also means a loss in say on moving him to a facility closer to family.  There is a hearing on Thursday to determine what will take place at that point - it is possible if they believe he needs further care that they will fight to send him to a state facility!  (Yes this is my absolute night mare - imagine going to a county doctor or free clinic versus chosing you own physicians office...not to mention EVEN further from home and I fear most of all that these are more mental instutitions that basically house people they have no idea what to do with!!)  My son has insurance and I would sell my house if it was what he needed...so there is no reason to go that route at all. 

I am so thankful for my job at The Container Store - this place really is THE BEST PLACE TO WORK.  The part time employee benefit package is only part of it - but today I am most thankful for the Legal Assistance benefit!!!  I called and put in a request for the legal services and am awaiting a callback on Monday - I am hoping to get representation for my son and to also find out what I can do to be appointed legal guardian or to receive a durable power of attorney for his care...so that I can make the decisions for him and not a state agency.

I visited him tonight very briefly and he is so far away in his own mind - I can in no way even begin to describe the agony I am feeling.

I am planning to camp out at that place UNTIL I get to talk with the doctor.  I am going to do what I can legally to make sure he is close to home and surrounded by family...and to be there for him to sit with him and talk with him too.  I am hoping to get an inexpensive room near the court Wed night to be there Thur morning - I live almost 2 hours away and I would absolutely not want to risk missing the hearing for traffic. 

I am so blessed that he came to me in his hour of greatest need.  I am so thankful that I answered at that early hour and so very thankful that my Mom was close and involved every step of the way too.  I am proud that I am fighting for him and that in the end I believe he will be safe and will be back to MY Kameron that I have been missing for so long.

Dear God - please provide stability for Kameron so that he can begin healing and treatment.  Help him to not feel alone but instead to know that he is loved and that YOU are with him always.  Please help him to be strong and patient...help me to make the right moves and decisions that will return the greatest recovery and best treatment for him.
Thank you for my amazing son, please keep him safe and help him to be well.