When I visited Kameron on Saturday 3/5, Bobby went with me. Kameron had asked many, many times about Bobby and wanted to see him. Kam has been very focused on fathers - his real dad, his step dad, my dad - asking where they are and when they were coming.
Each of the times that I have seen Kam since Wed have been discouraging. I leave feeling scared, shaken and full of despair. This day Kameron still seemed very confused and the way he acted, looked and even walked really took Bobby by surprise. (There is just no way to describe the scene fully so that someone isn't a little stunned when they walk into it.) When we arrived the nurse warned us that he may be sleeping because he was 'very sick' that morning. (I learned later that doesn't mean physically sick, it meant that he had an episode that meant he needed emergency meds to calm him). However, they were able to wake him and he came out to sit with us in the community room (large waiting room type area with nothing but chairs and a TV). He walked very slowly almost like it hurt his legs to walk, his back was very stiff and he moved very slowly. He didn't show any emotion as he sat down but did say hi and chatted with us a little - mostly answering my questions and attempts to have conversation.
Each of the times that I have seen Kam since Wed have been discouraging. I leave feeling scared, shaken and full of despair. This day Kameron still seemed very confused and the way he acted, looked and even walked really took Bobby by surprise. (There is just no way to describe the scene fully so that someone isn't a little stunned when they walk into it.) When we arrived the nurse warned us that he may be sleeping because he was 'very sick' that morning. (I learned later that doesn't mean physically sick, it meant that he had an episode that meant he needed emergency meds to calm him). However, they were able to wake him and he came out to sit with us in the community room (large waiting room type area with nothing but chairs and a TV). He walked very slowly almost like it hurt his legs to walk, his back was very stiff and he moved very slowly. He didn't show any emotion as he sat down but did say hi and chatted with us a little - mostly answering my questions and attempts to have conversation.
I need to back up a second, on Monday when he first called me for help - I learned later that he also had called Bobby. When Bobby talked to him he wanted Kameron to know how much he missed him and tried to plan time together with an activity Kam would enjoy. He offered up that Johnson (my stepson) was playing now on the Varsity Soccer team for the same high school Kameron did. He explained that the game was Friday night and that he would like to take Kam so that they could spend some time together. Kameron agreed to go and was looking forward to it. By Wed when things had spiraled out of control and we were driving to our planned destination of a drug treatment center, he talked about the game plans. He asked me to be sure that he was available still on Friday because he wanted to go with Bobby. I saw then that this was not just something he had agreed to but it was something he REALLY WANTED to do and it meant a lot to him to be invited. (So many months of no family time prior made this very touching to me)
Back to Saturday - As we talked Kameron turned to Bobby and asked "Did Johnson win his game last night?" My jaw hit the floor. He has been through such an ordeal this entire week starting Monday and was so confused, disoriented and out of his mind. I was shocked that he remembered there even was a game planned and even more blown over by the fact that he knew it was the night before!!! I said, "Kameron!!! How on Earth did you remember that there was a game?? How did you even know it was LAST NIGHT?!" He just simply said - "It was important to me."
This was my glimmer of hope. Things were still VERY out of control and troubling - but this showed his heart was with family. Thank you God for encouraging us by showing that through all months of disconnect and the many days of crisis that family is still a priority to Kameron.
As a single mom, I had a tendency to put myself aside and to focus 100% on Kameron. His activities were my activities and that is how we both liked it. This created a large hole in me when our lives began to separate from each other. In the midst of all the emotion of our 'break', God gave me GRACE! He blessed me with my daughter, who I am convinced was proof that God thought I did okay and He trusted me with another little life. She helped me to be calm when I wanted to cry, to be busy when I wanted to be lazy and bummed. I have often told Kam that I believed that God gave me Connor (meaning "wise aide") and Katherine Grace ("pure blessing") because He knew that I would need them when Kameron no longer needed a "Mommy".
I am fortunate now, to have a wonderful husband that supports my decision to stay home and be a Mommy, I have time to devote more to myself and to my kids. I work hard to make sure that I am involved in the kids activities and have my own too. I learned a lot from my first child, sometimes I think I learned more from him than he learned from me. Today with my little kids, I make sure I do many of the things that I know I did right, while trying hard to do some things differently so that I don't make some of the same mistakes.
