Memorial Day Grieving

It hit me out of no where this weekend...uncontrollable grief. It's Memorial Day weekend but I wasn't crying over lost soldiers or service men, this was much more personal.

10 years ago this weekend, Bobby and I met.

This weekend I grieve. After 6 months of separation, I finally cried...and cried....and cried. I mistakenly thought that since I was no longer mad, that I would soon hit the acceptance phase of grief. I was so wrong. Now it is time to feel the raw emotion of loss. I worried about myself as I could not make the tears stop. I worried that I wouldn't be able to pull it all back together before the kids saw me.

I guess I was so busy trying to plan where I will go from here, that I didn't let myself feel where I am now. It as if I had a dam built up and all the sudden something knocked it down and the flood of grief hit...it was fierce, strong and relentless.
I reached out to only a few. My brother talked me through learning to lean on others and how to accept their help in the forms they can give, how to disconnect from situations that hinder my healing time, and sharing with my kids that Mommy hurts too. My girlfriend Dolly helped me see that it's part of the healing and that friends can be like family if I let them, that it's always darkest before the dawn and that I am not alone. Another friend helped me to understand crying is an emotional way to heal - like when a cut bleeds, and that it's good to let the cleansing occur.

I am going to allow time for the pain and anguish that goes along with this loss and the dreams that it represented. I am going to let myself feel this part, because I know it will eventually allow me to move forward from this moment. I accept that anger isn't healing - it only masks hurt and fear. And I know that I can be a strong, independent and courageous woman again but will always be fragile inside.

I know that I may never understand it. I realize that I cannot fix a broken person. I believe that I deserve to be happy and that in time - I will be. This too shall pass, as my Mom always says.