3/10 Hearing Day

Overnight I was struggling with a lot of fear...I was having an impossible time being at peace with the next facility we would take Kameron too.  I struggled with fear over how inconsistent he is still and was nearly paralyzed with fear of being rejected again at another treatment center because of the psychiatric concerns.

We arrived at court very early and when the attorney came in she arranged for me to meet with the doctor to discuss the commitment, my concerns and his reports to date.  We determined that filing a continuance which will provide additional time for increased stability with more consistency. He is still very confused, has reported still hearing voices and has needed emergency medications on a twice daily schedule. Dr sees that times are consistent with meds wearing off and will up dosing frequency or levels to see if this helps prevent emergency med need.
If he sees stabilizing with additional days and medication dosing then he
can release him then without court. Otherwise we will reconvene in court
in a wk if it takes that long to revisit the decision and recommendations.
I was now at peace.  My ONLY concern was how Kameron would take it.  I hate hurting him or having him sad, but knew in my heart of hearts that this was again the absolute best decision for him in the long run.  His attorney talked w/ him about this before we finalize with requesting the court. He understands that he's getting more time to stabilize and for the panic attacks and anxiousness to subside. He knows I'm going to be working hard to find
absolute best place for him while he continues to level. He didn't react mad or angry or sad.

Mom and I left with a weight lifted and a calming as we now had time to go check out some facilities and could rest assured that Kameron would have more time to have meds adjusted and to become consistently stabilized.  We spent the day looking at an incredible facility that we are hopeful will have an opening when Kameron is ready.  It's beautiful with a great environment and atmosphere for thriving and for life!!!  ((I am not going to mention names here because Kameron needs some privacy and we cannot risk his safety with bad influences locating him and reconnecting at such a critical time)).

Mom and I had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel and shopped awhile there too.  Nothing can distract from worries and weariness like that gift shop!!  We bought a couple surprises for my littles - Connor & Katherine and just took it slowly for a while.  We drove by a beautiful hotel/spa and went in to tour it for a bit - again a wonderful distraction to the chaos and pain going on in our family.  When it got close to time - we headed back out and down the highway, through rush hour ridiculous traffic and returned to Kameron for visiting hours. 

When we arrived he was VERY clear!!  I was stunned and so excited because it was as if nothing ever happened!!!!!  He had his regular clothes on, had showered, told me about meds changing, a group meeting he had, time with doctor and just all around great day!!  We talked about the treatment center Mom and I had viewed and he asked about going.  When we reminded him of the doctors need to level meds to keep him feeling good he started to panic and react again.  He shared with us that he was fearful and believed that one of the other patients there with tatoos was in the same gang that had been involved in a murder that took place in our town when he was in high school.  (Two of his friends were killed when they walked into a robbery at one of the kids aunts house).  He began crying and frantically trying to explain that he was in danger.  He called for his nurse and doctor and for police.  He spiralled quickly out of control and was hysterically crying out for help.  The nurses suggested we cut our visit short and they gave him some fast acting medicine and tried to calm him.  Mom and I left the visiting area and went into the nurses station to talk with nurse...and heard a loud pounding on the door/glass..Kameron. :(

It broke my Mom down and was devestating to see how quickly things went from incredibley wonderful to terribley wrong again.  It confirmed my fears that he was not yet stable enough to leave.  I am seeing some positives in this though.  That murder of his high school friends occurred right before he began to have issues with drugs and alcohol.  I truly believe that all the things he has been pushing down and trying not to feel are now coming to the surface.  He has been drug free for 8 days now and it's only natural that some of what he has tried NOT to feel will now come out.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting so deeply.  The more intense the episodes are the more deeply go the scars. 

I am reassured as the good - when I see it - is almost 100% the Kameron we all know and love.  But I am very scared that the bad is still there and is consistently appearing a couple times a day with a need for extreme treatment to help him through it.  Please continue to pray for Kameron's mind to heal from the drugs and for his heart to heal from hurt.  God is good and in control.

Organized Chaos

When I visited with Kameron on Saturday one of the things he asked about was if I was taking care of his 'stuff'.  I asked him to clarify which 'stuff' he was concerned about.  He said - what's going on with my apartment?  I said, do you want to go back there?  He said, "No!!  Too many bad memories, I have to get out of there".  So I reassured him that I had it taken care of and he was not going to ever have to return there.  I was so thankful to hear that he wanted out and that a move would ultimately help to save him from reconnecting with some of the kids he has been involved with.

This Mama wasted NO time with this request...On Sunday morning I picked up some boxes and my friend Joy, then we headed to his apartment.  We spent all afternoon there reclaiming his LIFE in many ways!!!  I explained as we walked in that I couldn't really understand why but that I felt we needed to do this move very orderly.  I didn't want to throw everything in boxes in a rush, only to have to sort through it later.  I guess there has been so much out-of-control-chaos that I just needed this to be slower and with some control.  It was a must to me that we methodically work room by room sorting, labeling and neatly packing away the items of value or that fit within the picture of the life he deserved ahead. 

Joy knows me well and understood exactly what I meant so we worked as a team - starting in the kitchen...we moved through the apartment and storage closet together.

We sorted and organized into piles of decor, electronics, books, memory items, personal use, kitchen, clothing, and more.  As we came across items that were a clear reminder of what kind of chaos has gone on there - she would hand it to me and I would throw it into a deep black trash bag. (She enjoyed watching me THROW it away - Some things received much more enthusiasm to get rid of and I would SLAM them into the trash and say NO MORE!)  We threw away trash, broken items, drug related miscellaneous things, and stuff that just didn't fit the picture of a GOOD LIFE and THRIVING.  As we filled trash bags, we cleared them out by throwing them onto the patio. Yes, THROWING them! :)  We boxed items to keep, labeled them and stacked them neatly by the door to go down three flights to my van.

By the end of the day the apartment smelled better and felt calmer.  I realized that I was now sitting at the table and breathing slower - more relaxed and at peace.  I thanked her for letting me 'process' through this with her and we talked for a while about the recent events, my fears, my hopes and my faith in God to heal my son.  I told her I was having a hard time feeling COMFORT from Him.  I explained that friends can wrap their arms around me and I FEEL that...but when I pray it feels so insignificant and intangible.  I cried because I felt so helpless, hopeless and scared at times.  We talked for almost an hour about it all. When we began the day the place felt dark, heavy and overwhelming - I was shakey and nervous and not comfortable at all being there...after our work it just felt better.   

By now it was getting late and I was feeling bad that my littles (Connor and Katherine) were being tucked in and I was missing the good night kisses.  So we packed up the van and locked the apartment up until next time when we will only need to focus on larger furniture items.  When I dropped Joy off she prayed with me, hugged me and told me she loved me.  On the drive home alone, I kept the stereo off.  I considered the day and realized I was finally feeling COMFORT.  My heart was warm as I remembered the relief I felt as I came across items under the mess that showed where Kam's focus was before it got covered up.  I could see the apartment we were so excited to move him into and the life he originally intended set up underneath.

A photo of Connor on his bathroom mirror, a framed poem written by my brother, gifts from a girlfriend he chose when things were good in his life, memories from childhood and reminders of who he IS inside - all good things.  There was order and organization under the mess that tried to hide it.  But once we filled those trash bags of all the things that distracted him from HIS LIFE - then all the sudden I realized that his life was shining through.  There was something very therapeutic in throwing things away and tying off the bags and removing it all from site!  There was something calming in placing his things neatly in boxes with such order that someday when it is right then he can unpack and set up his new home and future.  It was good to store away with such care and respect the items that deserved a place in his future and to leave behind those that in no way matched that vision.

For the FIRST time since this all began, I felt calm inside and felt order and healing beginning.  Thank you God for sending COMFORT to me in big and small ways today.  And thank you HEFTY for big black trash bags to remove the junk and to get it out of site.

This photo was taken when Kameron first moved into his apartment.  The kids, my Mom and I came over to help him decorate and set up.  It was a fun day and Kam was so excited about the future.

A Scary State of Mind

It is so hard to keep everyone updated...so sometimes I ramble on responding to one email and then later realize that would be a good one to update several...so I am posting this one on the blog.  I feel that I have not fully explained how severe this situation is when it comes to Kam's mental challenges and and to describe the facility and some of his concerning behavior.

please if you pray, pray hard!!  We need to see some improvement soon or the fear of long term issues is greater.

***********************

Its far worse than I can explain.

We are very concerned because he is having psychotics episodes where he is hearing voices and seeing demons.  He is in a daze or very emotional.  He has cried out several times a day for his DAD - usually meaning his birth dad that disappeared from his life when he was 2.  He has talked about needing his Dad and refers to Bobby, his step dad.

He has had to be sedated because he was very amped up at one point and wanted to pray with other patients and trying to 'lay hands' on people to heal them.  He says he is so tired from trying to heal people...He has fallen asleep and awoke with heavy crying saying.  He talks about how he has seen far too much evil and cannot get it out of his mind.

Its all mixed up in his mind and I believe much of this is sincere heart felt hurt that some have left him in his life and that others need him but he can't seem to help.  I am trying to explain that he needs to focus on himself only right now so that he can begin to heal.  He begs me to take him to a different place - one that is less insane asylum feeling...he says people where he is are good but there is so much bad in the world - its his way of describing how he knows they are trying to help.  But he is scared of how long he will be at this place.  To be honest it is very scary to me to see him here - so institutionalized feeling.  He stares into space and whispers...he stares into my eyes and begs me to go home...then gets a blank look and closes his eyes. 

The nurse today told me that sometimes when kids start using drugs as teens when the brain and emotions are still developing that it can spark a mental illness like schizophrenia or other psychotic illnesses.  She also comforts me with the fact that some of this may just be drug induced, made worse by lack of sleep, food and added fears, withdrawals etc and will over time level off and he will be back to himself.  Obviously that is helpful to calm my worries some - so they are giving him anti psychotic meds to help stop the voices and scary parts - and he is sleeping a lot because he just doesn't know what to do with himself there.  He looks like a mental patient with a dragging of his feet when he walks and a blank look on his face...his hair is a mess and he wrings his hands.  But every once in a while he talks very normal and asks about things going on outside of there - soccer games or family members, asks me to help him move out of where he lives and so on...

All I can do is pray and work hard to make a way for healing for him.  I just need to see him level off and stabilize...

no treatment can happen until he is stable.  He is the the most severe mental illness unit at the hospital where most of the patients have been put there against their will.  The nurse did tell me he could over time do better and be moved to more functioning patients that don't hear voices or wander aimlessly around.

Its just so unreal...absolutely unreal.

I can't even believe I am looking at my 21 year old son when I see him like this...he is like an old homeless man that has no one...someone you would walk quickly past and feel pity for.  Its so so so much worse than I can explain.

Thank you for your prayers - it is the GREATEST gift you can give us.

Tattle Tale

I am so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers as a result of my writing about my son here.  Part of me worries that someday when things are better again, he will be very angry that I shared such personal information.  Part of me thinks he will revert back to that little boy that used to get so angry when he would sass back to me and I would call Grandpa as a punishment!  He used to get so upset with me that I 'told on' him when he did things he wasn't proud of.  What he forgot to notice was that when he did the more numerous amounts of GREAT things, I also called and 'told on' him to Grandpa!  Kameron has always been the most special part of my life.  His life has always been a gift to me, having him at such a young age meant that mostly I parented by trial and error.  I knew what my parents did that I did NOT want to do, I knew what I saw other parents do that I always kind of envied - but I didn't really know what worked and what didn't, what would have good long term effects to help raise a morale and good person and which things would undermine this by making him feel embarrassed, discouraged or that I was disappointed in him.  We learned as we went along and he helped to raise me too.  One thing I have always been most proud of was that we are so very close.  We were more like friends or brother and sister than mom & son.  He was my buddy, my dinner mate, my travel companion, my friend.  I was his confidant, his fashion advisor and his cheerleader.  We consulted each other on everything and shared more than most as we fought against the odds life handed us as such a young family.  He always amazed me at how incredibly smart he was and I can clearly recall when I began to fear that he may just surpass his Mama...and figure out that I did not actually know it all!!!  :)

Well, Kameron - if someday down the road you read this...Please know that I am in NO WAY 'telling on' you.  I am instead sharing our story of this most difficult time in hopes that it will help others to understand why it is so important to me that they pray for you.  I considered at first keeping this very personal information to myself but I felt a very strong push encouraging me to reach out to others and to allow them to support us, love us and pray with us.  I knew this was probably going to be the biggest challenge of our lives and I knew that I could in no way do enough on my own to fix it.  As you well know, I definitely do not know it all, so needed encouragement, suggestions, and the power that comes in numbers.  I have asked everyone to pray for you and the amount of prayers are countless at this point!  I am only one person and if I prayed all day long (which I might add - I am!), I cannot get the message through loud enough.  This is your life, Honey and I cannot risk being the only one that is asking God to help you.  So I am depending on everyone and anyone that I know to cry out with me.  You are my most precious child and it is out of love that I share.  I hope you will understand that when the time comes and that you will thank me for doing this because it brought you back to us safe and for good.  And I promise you, my love, when that day comes...I will be shouting from the rooftops and sharing again our story as I 'tell on' you for beating the demons, fighting the fight and for regaining control over your life.  I will be 'telling on' your amazing strength, your unstoppable determination and your winning spirit that never gave up and dealt with every single tiny detail of this pain until you WON!!!  I will go back to when I was your cheerleader and will be jumping for joy and celebrating WITH you!!!!

I love you Kameron.  I love you so very very very much.  Fight that fight with all your might!  Be strong, be courageous and be ALIVE!!!!

With all my heart, with all that I am - I am so proud of you and thankful for each and every second of your life.  Thank you for being my gift and for sharing your good and bad with me, my son and my friend. 

Mom

I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU

UPDATE FOR THOSE ASKING -

My son, Kameron, has been absent from our lives since a little before christmas - came christmas eve but short visit and it was 'off'.  He shut me out from then on.  I knew something was wrong and pleaded with him to connect with me, return my calls, text me, come see me, meet me for dinner - anything!!!  Finally this week he called.

THE CALL

6:00am - "Mom, I need you now!  I've needed you for a long time, but I really need you right now!!!"

I invited him to come right then.  He asked for help - wouldn't let me take him to treatment though - insisted he could do it alone.  By Wed he came back - to my Moms and agreed that he needed drug treatment.  He was shaken and scared because he was feeling suicidal...he was very manic and had some visions and pretty scarey stuff going on. 

PLEA FOR HELP

I drove him to a drug treatment center - but they too were concerned and said that they believed he needed an psych evaluation first...they sent us to the Emergency Room where we sat for 5 hours!!  The end result was only that they RELEASED him!!!  I begged them to help us - to refer him to a facility that would help...they sent us out.  I asked what we should do - she suggested an outpatient treatment group at 8:30am the next day.  I cried - what do we do until then?!?!  Our nurse then tells us - I am not sure, but he has been released so you can not stand in THIS room and discuss that...you need to leave right now!  Basically kicking us out!!!  Her name was VICKI, she is a TCU grad from Shreveport - I know all this because my son took a lot of time trying to get to know her some - asking about the spelling, where she went to school, where she was from when she first walked into the room - He was pretty sure she would help him and lit up in enthusiasm as he chatted it up with her!!!  Thanks VICKI. 

As we left I was in a panic about what to do.  He was ranting and yelling and screaming and I loaded him up in the car...almost in shock.  I called the treatment center we started at - believing if he was released after eval then they would take him now...but his ranting in the background only made things worse.  They told me they could not take him when they heard him yelling.  As I was talking and driving - Kameron tries to open the car door and talked about killing himself!  (Door has safety feature for kids - thank god!!) 

NOW ARE YOU LISTENING?!?  HE NEEDS HELP!!!

I did a u-turn right there in the middle of the road and hauled it back to ER as fast as possible.  I remembered two police cars out front and speed to them - jumped out and begged for help.  At last we saw compassion!!  Once the police had things under control I ran into the hospital and threw a massive screaming wild mom manic fit!!!  I was hysterical and made the biggest scene you can possibley imagine.  I YELLED "We came to you for help - asked for a phsyc evaluation to get my son help - YOU RELEASED HIM after making him sit and wait for FIVE HOURS...basically doing NOTHING!!!!  YOU RELEASED HIM!!!!  HE JUST ATTEMPTED TO JUMP OUT OF MY MOVING VEHICLE TO KILL HIMSELF AND IS OUTSIDE in handcuffs with POLICE!!!  WILL YOU PLEEEEASE HELP HIM NOW!!!"   I was then told to get back to the front triage and reregister him to be seen again!  I was so defeated and turned to walk away but then froze.  I turned around again and scanned the crowd of nurses, patients, family members, volunteers and other staff...I was hoping someone would look at me and that I could make eye contact.  No one was looking - they had gone back to whatever it was they were doing before I came back in.  I stood there - STUCK.  Stunned and in fear.  I could NOT let him down, he asked me to help him and now I needed help!!!  a beautiful lady caught my eye - a black woman that I remembered from when we entered 5 hours earlier.  She saw me paralyzed with a panicked look on my face, as I collapsed with tears.  She said, "Honey, what is wrong?"  I just turned to her and melted into her, "I NEED HELP!!!!!!!"  She put her arm around me and walked out with me to join the police, my sobbing mother and my cuffed son.

COMPASSION

At last someone helped us!  At last we saw compassion...at last something was going to happen.  The police put him under a Mental Warrant which means he is a danger to himself and they can order the hosp to observe, assess and keep him safe for 72 hours while they attempt to stabilize him.  So now no one could refuse treating him!!!  They left and took him down to another hospital and got him admitted into Mental Unit ER...there he was given meds to calm him and to treat some of the manic and psychiosis.  The officer assured me that he would make sure Kameron received some help tonight and would be safe.  Officer BJ Bowen - you are my angel.

ADVOCATING, FIGHTING AND PROTECTING

Unfortunately they took him to a place thats 2 hours from me...so I did not get to see him until I received a doctor update (which was nearly impossible to get because he is an adult and laws require he has to give permission...communicating with nurses in this environment is difficult too - when by phone calls only)  But I felt very good that I had done EVERYTHING I could to get him into a place to keep him safe.  In the meantime I have called original treatment center back, called a drug counselor, called the police officer to give him my insignificant thanks for saving my son's life...I have worked a 5 hour shift in a daze (because my employeer allowed me to stay because I insisted I NEEDED the distraction as I waited for 72 hours to pass)  I took back control of Kam's apartment - clearing out the drugs, the people and taking items of value for safe keeping until I can get the rest of it.  I have moved his car to a safe location. Talked to management there about ending his lease.  I have washed loads of clothes for him, packed a small bag for him to have in the facility including fresh clothing, a new toothbrush, toothpaste and chapstick.  I have received nasty mean text messages from the 'girlfriend' about how I am doing the wrong thing - deleted text messages to prevent me from lashing out back at her...knelt down to pray that he will truly be done with this...I have followed up with nurses, requested calls from social services, dealt with insurance, reviewed old text messages to get an idea of exactly what was going on, made notes, and researched medicines he is now receiving, called creditors and tried to also take care of my little ones.  ((not such a great job on that :( - Luckily their Daddy is there for them and I am working on getting more support for them while I am navigating thru the mountains of items I need to tend to))

I am mostly doing all I can do to move forward and to avoid getting stuck again - this time in a grieving mode.  I am scared and powered by fear at this point but mostly its a determination to get MY Kameron back!!  He's amazing - here are some of my favorite pictures over the past 5 years.

 Praying for you Kameron.  Breath Honey!  Rest your worries and lay them at the feet of Jesus.  Put your life in Gods hands and He will deliver you far from the dangers and fears you have today.  I love you with all my heart and am so very proud of you for knowing it was time...for calling out to family and for fighting for YOU!!  Words can not begin to express how very much you mean to me, how much you add to my life and how thankful I am for every second of your life. 

FRIDAY 3/4 UPDATE

There have been some new issues over the past couple days.  The doctors have admitted Kameron into their inpatient facility and moved him from the Emergency observation area.  They have not been able to stabilize him but the 72 hour period is over tomorrow.  So they have also obtained an ORDER OF PROTECTIVE CUSTODY - which basically means they took away his right to his own decision on if he stays or goes.  This is alright because he needs to be there but unfortunately it also means a loss in say on moving him to a facility closer to family.  There is a hearing on Thursday to determine what will take place at that point - it is possible if they believe he needs further care that they will fight to send him to a state facility!  (Yes this is my absolute night mare - imagine going to a county doctor or free clinic versus chosing you own physicians office...not to mention EVEN further from home and I fear most of all that these are more mental instutitions that basically house people they have no idea what to do with!!)  My son has insurance and I would sell my house if it was what he needed...so there is no reason to go that route at all. 

I am so thankful for my job at The Container Store - this place really is THE BEST PLACE TO WORK.  The part time employee benefit package is only part of it - but today I am most thankful for the Legal Assistance benefit!!!  I called and put in a request for the legal services and am awaiting a callback on Monday - I am hoping to get representation for my son and to also find out what I can do to be appointed legal guardian or to receive a durable power of attorney for his care...so that I can make the decisions for him and not a state agency.

I visited him tonight very briefly and he is so far away in his own mind - I can in no way even begin to describe the agony I am feeling.

I am planning to camp out at that place UNTIL I get to talk with the doctor.  I am going to do what I can legally to make sure he is close to home and surrounded by family...and to be there for him to sit with him and talk with him too.  I am hoping to get an inexpensive room near the court Wed night to be there Thur morning - I live almost 2 hours away and I would absolutely not want to risk missing the hearing for traffic. 

I am so blessed that he came to me in his hour of greatest need.  I am so thankful that I answered at that early hour and so very thankful that my Mom was close and involved every step of the way too.  I am proud that I am fighting for him and that in the end I believe he will be safe and will be back to MY Kameron that I have been missing for so long.

Dear God - please provide stability for Kameron so that he can begin healing and treatment.  Help him to not feel alone but instead to know that he is loved and that YOU are with him always.  Please help him to be strong and patient...help me to make the right moves and decisions that will return the greatest recovery and best treatment for him.
Thank you for my amazing son, please keep him safe and help him to be well.