3/10 Hearing Day

Overnight I was struggling with a lot of fear...I was having an impossible time being at peace with the next facility we would take Kameron too.  I struggled with fear over how inconsistent he is still and was nearly paralyzed with fear of being rejected again at another treatment center because of the psychiatric concerns.

We arrived at court very early and when the attorney came in she arranged for me to meet with the doctor to discuss the commitment, my concerns and his reports to date.  We determined that filing a continuance which will provide additional time for increased stability with more consistency. He is still very confused, has reported still hearing voices and has needed emergency medications on a twice daily schedule. Dr sees that times are consistent with meds wearing off and will up dosing frequency or levels to see if this helps prevent emergency med need.
If he sees stabilizing with additional days and medication dosing then he
can release him then without court. Otherwise we will reconvene in court
in a wk if it takes that long to revisit the decision and recommendations.
I was now at peace.  My ONLY concern was how Kameron would take it.  I hate hurting him or having him sad, but knew in my heart of hearts that this was again the absolute best decision for him in the long run.  His attorney talked w/ him about this before we finalize with requesting the court. He understands that he's getting more time to stabilize and for the panic attacks and anxiousness to subside. He knows I'm going to be working hard to find
absolute best place for him while he continues to level. He didn't react mad or angry or sad.

Mom and I left with a weight lifted and a calming as we now had time to go check out some facilities and could rest assured that Kameron would have more time to have meds adjusted and to become consistently stabilized.  We spent the day looking at an incredible facility that we are hopeful will have an opening when Kameron is ready.  It's beautiful with a great environment and atmosphere for thriving and for life!!!  ((I am not going to mention names here because Kameron needs some privacy and we cannot risk his safety with bad influences locating him and reconnecting at such a critical time)).

Mom and I had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel and shopped awhile there too.  Nothing can distract from worries and weariness like that gift shop!!  We bought a couple surprises for my littles - Connor & Katherine and just took it slowly for a while.  We drove by a beautiful hotel/spa and went in to tour it for a bit - again a wonderful distraction to the chaos and pain going on in our family.  When it got close to time - we headed back out and down the highway, through rush hour ridiculous traffic and returned to Kameron for visiting hours. 

When we arrived he was VERY clear!!  I was stunned and so excited because it was as if nothing ever happened!!!!!  He had his regular clothes on, had showered, told me about meds changing, a group meeting he had, time with doctor and just all around great day!!  We talked about the treatment center Mom and I had viewed and he asked about going.  When we reminded him of the doctors need to level meds to keep him feeling good he started to panic and react again.  He shared with us that he was fearful and believed that one of the other patients there with tatoos was in the same gang that had been involved in a murder that took place in our town when he was in high school.  (Two of his friends were killed when they walked into a robbery at one of the kids aunts house).  He began crying and frantically trying to explain that he was in danger.  He called for his nurse and doctor and for police.  He spiralled quickly out of control and was hysterically crying out for help.  The nurses suggested we cut our visit short and they gave him some fast acting medicine and tried to calm him.  Mom and I left the visiting area and went into the nurses station to talk with nurse...and heard a loud pounding on the door/glass..Kameron. :(

It broke my Mom down and was devestating to see how quickly things went from incredibley wonderful to terribley wrong again.  It confirmed my fears that he was not yet stable enough to leave.  I am seeing some positives in this though.  That murder of his high school friends occurred right before he began to have issues with drugs and alcohol.  I truly believe that all the things he has been pushing down and trying not to feel are now coming to the surface.  He has been drug free for 8 days now and it's only natural that some of what he has tried NOT to feel will now come out.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting so deeply.  The more intense the episodes are the more deeply go the scars. 

I am reassured as the good - when I see it - is almost 100% the Kameron we all know and love.  But I am very scared that the bad is still there and is consistently appearing a couple times a day with a need for extreme treatment to help him through it.  Please continue to pray for Kameron's mind to heal from the drugs and for his heart to heal from hurt.  God is good and in control.

Tattle Tale

I am so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers as a result of my writing about my son here.  Part of me worries that someday when things are better again, he will be very angry that I shared such personal information.  Part of me thinks he will revert back to that little boy that used to get so angry when he would sass back to me and I would call Grandpa as a punishment!  He used to get so upset with me that I 'told on' him when he did things he wasn't proud of.  What he forgot to notice was that when he did the more numerous amounts of GREAT things, I also called and 'told on' him to Grandpa!  Kameron has always been the most special part of my life.  His life has always been a gift to me, having him at such a young age meant that mostly I parented by trial and error.  I knew what my parents did that I did NOT want to do, I knew what I saw other parents do that I always kind of envied - but I didn't really know what worked and what didn't, what would have good long term effects to help raise a morale and good person and which things would undermine this by making him feel embarrassed, discouraged or that I was disappointed in him.  We learned as we went along and he helped to raise me too.  One thing I have always been most proud of was that we are so very close.  We were more like friends or brother and sister than mom & son.  He was my buddy, my dinner mate, my travel companion, my friend.  I was his confidant, his fashion advisor and his cheerleader.  We consulted each other on everything and shared more than most as we fought against the odds life handed us as such a young family.  He always amazed me at how incredibly smart he was and I can clearly recall when I began to fear that he may just surpass his Mama...and figure out that I did not actually know it all!!!  :)

Well, Kameron - if someday down the road you read this...Please know that I am in NO WAY 'telling on' you.  I am instead sharing our story of this most difficult time in hopes that it will help others to understand why it is so important to me that they pray for you.  I considered at first keeping this very personal information to myself but I felt a very strong push encouraging me to reach out to others and to allow them to support us, love us and pray with us.  I knew this was probably going to be the biggest challenge of our lives and I knew that I could in no way do enough on my own to fix it.  As you well know, I definitely do not know it all, so needed encouragement, suggestions, and the power that comes in numbers.  I have asked everyone to pray for you and the amount of prayers are countless at this point!  I am only one person and if I prayed all day long (which I might add - I am!), I cannot get the message through loud enough.  This is your life, Honey and I cannot risk being the only one that is asking God to help you.  So I am depending on everyone and anyone that I know to cry out with me.  You are my most precious child and it is out of love that I share.  I hope you will understand that when the time comes and that you will thank me for doing this because it brought you back to us safe and for good.  And I promise you, my love, when that day comes...I will be shouting from the rooftops and sharing again our story as I 'tell on' you for beating the demons, fighting the fight and for regaining control over your life.  I will be 'telling on' your amazing strength, your unstoppable determination and your winning spirit that never gave up and dealt with every single tiny detail of this pain until you WON!!!  I will go back to when I was your cheerleader and will be jumping for joy and celebrating WITH you!!!!

I love you Kameron.  I love you so very very very much.  Fight that fight with all your might!  Be strong, be courageous and be ALIVE!!!!

With all my heart, with all that I am - I am so proud of you and thankful for each and every second of your life.  Thank you for being my gift and for sharing your good and bad with me, my son and my friend. 

Mom