Tattle Tale

I am so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers as a result of my writing about my son here.  Part of me worries that someday when things are better again, he will be very angry that I shared such personal information.  Part of me thinks he will revert back to that little boy that used to get so angry when he would sass back to me and I would call Grandpa as a punishment!  He used to get so upset with me that I 'told on' him when he did things he wasn't proud of.  What he forgot to notice was that when he did the more numerous amounts of GREAT things, I also called and 'told on' him to Grandpa!  Kameron has always been the most special part of my life.  His life has always been a gift to me, having him at such a young age meant that mostly I parented by trial and error.  I knew what my parents did that I did NOT want to do, I knew what I saw other parents do that I always kind of envied - but I didn't really know what worked and what didn't, what would have good long term effects to help raise a morale and good person and which things would undermine this by making him feel embarrassed, discouraged or that I was disappointed in him.  We learned as we went along and he helped to raise me too.  One thing I have always been most proud of was that we are so very close.  We were more like friends or brother and sister than mom & son.  He was my buddy, my dinner mate, my travel companion, my friend.  I was his confidant, his fashion advisor and his cheerleader.  We consulted each other on everything and shared more than most as we fought against the odds life handed us as such a young family.  He always amazed me at how incredibly smart he was and I can clearly recall when I began to fear that he may just surpass his Mama...and figure out that I did not actually know it all!!!  :)

Well, Kameron - if someday down the road you read this...Please know that I am in NO WAY 'telling on' you.  I am instead sharing our story of this most difficult time in hopes that it will help others to understand why it is so important to me that they pray for you.  I considered at first keeping this very personal information to myself but I felt a very strong push encouraging me to reach out to others and to allow them to support us, love us and pray with us.  I knew this was probably going to be the biggest challenge of our lives and I knew that I could in no way do enough on my own to fix it.  As you well know, I definitely do not know it all, so needed encouragement, suggestions, and the power that comes in numbers.  I have asked everyone to pray for you and the amount of prayers are countless at this point!  I am only one person and if I prayed all day long (which I might add - I am!), I cannot get the message through loud enough.  This is your life, Honey and I cannot risk being the only one that is asking God to help you.  So I am depending on everyone and anyone that I know to cry out with me.  You are my most precious child and it is out of love that I share.  I hope you will understand that when the time comes and that you will thank me for doing this because it brought you back to us safe and for good.  And I promise you, my love, when that day comes...I will be shouting from the rooftops and sharing again our story as I 'tell on' you for beating the demons, fighting the fight and for regaining control over your life.  I will be 'telling on' your amazing strength, your unstoppable determination and your winning spirit that never gave up and dealt with every single tiny detail of this pain until you WON!!!  I will go back to when I was your cheerleader and will be jumping for joy and celebrating WITH you!!!!

I love you Kameron.  I love you so very very very much.  Fight that fight with all your might!  Be strong, be courageous and be ALIVE!!!!

With all my heart, with all that I am - I am so proud of you and thankful for each and every second of your life.  Thank you for being my gift and for sharing your good and bad with me, my son and my friend. 

Mom

I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU

UPDATE FOR THOSE ASKING -

My son, Kameron, has been absent from our lives since a little before christmas - came christmas eve but short visit and it was 'off'.  He shut me out from then on.  I knew something was wrong and pleaded with him to connect with me, return my calls, text me, come see me, meet me for dinner - anything!!!  Finally this week he called.

THE CALL

6:00am - "Mom, I need you now!  I've needed you for a long time, but I really need you right now!!!"

I invited him to come right then.  He asked for help - wouldn't let me take him to treatment though - insisted he could do it alone.  By Wed he came back - to my Moms and agreed that he needed drug treatment.  He was shaken and scared because he was feeling suicidal...he was very manic and had some visions and pretty scarey stuff going on. 

PLEA FOR HELP

I drove him to a drug treatment center - but they too were concerned and said that they believed he needed an psych evaluation first...they sent us to the Emergency Room where we sat for 5 hours!!  The end result was only that they RELEASED him!!!  I begged them to help us - to refer him to a facility that would help...they sent us out.  I asked what we should do - she suggested an outpatient treatment group at 8:30am the next day.  I cried - what do we do until then?!?!  Our nurse then tells us - I am not sure, but he has been released so you can not stand in THIS room and discuss that...you need to leave right now!  Basically kicking us out!!!  Her name was VICKI, she is a TCU grad from Shreveport - I know all this because my son took a lot of time trying to get to know her some - asking about the spelling, where she went to school, where she was from when she first walked into the room - He was pretty sure she would help him and lit up in enthusiasm as he chatted it up with her!!!  Thanks VICKI. 

As we left I was in a panic about what to do.  He was ranting and yelling and screaming and I loaded him up in the car...almost in shock.  I called the treatment center we started at - believing if he was released after eval then they would take him now...but his ranting in the background only made things worse.  They told me they could not take him when they heard him yelling.  As I was talking and driving - Kameron tries to open the car door and talked about killing himself!  (Door has safety feature for kids - thank god!!) 

NOW ARE YOU LISTENING?!?  HE NEEDS HELP!!!

I did a u-turn right there in the middle of the road and hauled it back to ER as fast as possible.  I remembered two police cars out front and speed to them - jumped out and begged for help.  At last we saw compassion!!  Once the police had things under control I ran into the hospital and threw a massive screaming wild mom manic fit!!!  I was hysterical and made the biggest scene you can possibley imagine.  I YELLED "We came to you for help - asked for a phsyc evaluation to get my son help - YOU RELEASED HIM after making him sit and wait for FIVE HOURS...basically doing NOTHING!!!!  YOU RELEASED HIM!!!!  HE JUST ATTEMPTED TO JUMP OUT OF MY MOVING VEHICLE TO KILL HIMSELF AND IS OUTSIDE in handcuffs with POLICE!!!  WILL YOU PLEEEEASE HELP HIM NOW!!!"   I was then told to get back to the front triage and reregister him to be seen again!  I was so defeated and turned to walk away but then froze.  I turned around again and scanned the crowd of nurses, patients, family members, volunteers and other staff...I was hoping someone would look at me and that I could make eye contact.  No one was looking - they had gone back to whatever it was they were doing before I came back in.  I stood there - STUCK.  Stunned and in fear.  I could NOT let him down, he asked me to help him and now I needed help!!!  a beautiful lady caught my eye - a black woman that I remembered from when we entered 5 hours earlier.  She saw me paralyzed with a panicked look on my face, as I collapsed with tears.  She said, "Honey, what is wrong?"  I just turned to her and melted into her, "I NEED HELP!!!!!!!"  She put her arm around me and walked out with me to join the police, my sobbing mother and my cuffed son.

COMPASSION

At last someone helped us!  At last we saw compassion...at last something was going to happen.  The police put him under a Mental Warrant which means he is a danger to himself and they can order the hosp to observe, assess and keep him safe for 72 hours while they attempt to stabilize him.  So now no one could refuse treating him!!!  They left and took him down to another hospital and got him admitted into Mental Unit ER...there he was given meds to calm him and to treat some of the manic and psychiosis.  The officer assured me that he would make sure Kameron received some help tonight and would be safe.  Officer BJ Bowen - you are my angel.

ADVOCATING, FIGHTING AND PROTECTING

Unfortunately they took him to a place thats 2 hours from me...so I did not get to see him until I received a doctor update (which was nearly impossible to get because he is an adult and laws require he has to give permission...communicating with nurses in this environment is difficult too - when by phone calls only)  But I felt very good that I had done EVERYTHING I could to get him into a place to keep him safe.  In the meantime I have called original treatment center back, called a drug counselor, called the police officer to give him my insignificant thanks for saving my son's life...I have worked a 5 hour shift in a daze (because my employeer allowed me to stay because I insisted I NEEDED the distraction as I waited for 72 hours to pass)  I took back control of Kam's apartment - clearing out the drugs, the people and taking items of value for safe keeping until I can get the rest of it.  I have moved his car to a safe location. Talked to management there about ending his lease.  I have washed loads of clothes for him, packed a small bag for him to have in the facility including fresh clothing, a new toothbrush, toothpaste and chapstick.  I have received nasty mean text messages from the 'girlfriend' about how I am doing the wrong thing - deleted text messages to prevent me from lashing out back at her...knelt down to pray that he will truly be done with this...I have followed up with nurses, requested calls from social services, dealt with insurance, reviewed old text messages to get an idea of exactly what was going on, made notes, and researched medicines he is now receiving, called creditors and tried to also take care of my little ones.  ((not such a great job on that :( - Luckily their Daddy is there for them and I am working on getting more support for them while I am navigating thru the mountains of items I need to tend to))

I am mostly doing all I can do to move forward and to avoid getting stuck again - this time in a grieving mode.  I am scared and powered by fear at this point but mostly its a determination to get MY Kameron back!!  He's amazing - here are some of my favorite pictures over the past 5 years.

 Praying for you Kameron.  Breath Honey!  Rest your worries and lay them at the feet of Jesus.  Put your life in Gods hands and He will deliver you far from the dangers and fears you have today.  I love you with all my heart and am so very proud of you for knowing it was time...for calling out to family and for fighting for YOU!!  Words can not begin to express how very much you mean to me, how much you add to my life and how thankful I am for every second of your life. 

FRIDAY 3/4 UPDATE

There have been some new issues over the past couple days.  The doctors have admitted Kameron into their inpatient facility and moved him from the Emergency observation area.  They have not been able to stabilize him but the 72 hour period is over tomorrow.  So they have also obtained an ORDER OF PROTECTIVE CUSTODY - which basically means they took away his right to his own decision on if he stays or goes.  This is alright because he needs to be there but unfortunately it also means a loss in say on moving him to a facility closer to family.  There is a hearing on Thursday to determine what will take place at that point - it is possible if they believe he needs further care that they will fight to send him to a state facility!  (Yes this is my absolute night mare - imagine going to a county doctor or free clinic versus chosing you own physicians office...not to mention EVEN further from home and I fear most of all that these are more mental instutitions that basically house people they have no idea what to do with!!)  My son has insurance and I would sell my house if it was what he needed...so there is no reason to go that route at all. 

I am so thankful for my job at The Container Store - this place really is THE BEST PLACE TO WORK.  The part time employee benefit package is only part of it - but today I am most thankful for the Legal Assistance benefit!!!  I called and put in a request for the legal services and am awaiting a callback on Monday - I am hoping to get representation for my son and to also find out what I can do to be appointed legal guardian or to receive a durable power of attorney for his care...so that I can make the decisions for him and not a state agency.

I visited him tonight very briefly and he is so far away in his own mind - I can in no way even begin to describe the agony I am feeling.

I am planning to camp out at that place UNTIL I get to talk with the doctor.  I am going to do what I can legally to make sure he is close to home and surrounded by family...and to be there for him to sit with him and talk with him too.  I am hoping to get an inexpensive room near the court Wed night to be there Thur morning - I live almost 2 hours away and I would absolutely not want to risk missing the hearing for traffic. 

I am so blessed that he came to me in his hour of greatest need.  I am so thankful that I answered at that early hour and so very thankful that my Mom was close and involved every step of the way too.  I am proud that I am fighting for him and that in the end I believe he will be safe and will be back to MY Kameron that I have been missing for so long.

Dear God - please provide stability for Kameron so that he can begin healing and treatment.  Help him to not feel alone but instead to know that he is loved and that YOU are with him always.  Please help him to be strong and patient...help me to make the right moves and decisions that will return the greatest recovery and best treatment for him.
Thank you for my amazing son, please keep him safe and help him to be well.

A little birdie told me

During our recent 'ice-olation' - one of the 'get busy' activities we did was to feed the birds.  We were sitting at the table eating breakfast and talked about how the little birds must be so cold.  I remembered that I had some birdseed in the garage left over and decided to scatter it around the iced over yard.  We also put seed on the patio to lure the birds in closer so we could watch from the window.  We then parked our chairs up against the windows and back glass door and waited.  As soon as the birds realized there was birdseed here they began to come in large groups.  I was so happy to see that this was not the typical 'grackle' or black bird (not sure if grackle is right - that comes from a texas guy that used to live here and he had odd pronounciation sometimes - ha).  Anyways, it was nice to see more of the song birds and small finches...very pretty to watch and entertaining for the kids.  I grabbed my camera and shot these pictures thru the window...

 Katherine drawing hearts and flowers in the fog she created having her nose pressed up against the window!!  Priceless.

 Dove

 Is this a sparrow?

 

 

I believe these birds were very grateful for our boredom today!

They stayed around a long time, came up close where we could watch them, they looked towards the camera and gave great poses...I believe these little birdies were saying THANK YOU!!

And I am thankful for them today too.  The memories of these moments are treasures in my heart.

Feeling the Love

Our recent 4 day snow in meant time to get creative.  Not only was I getting creative in the kitchen, but also working my mind on reorganizing my pantry, suggesting activities for the kids to do and getting 'crafty'. 

I have always said I am CREATIVE not crafty.  And this particular day was requiring both.  First off I decided to get the kids up and moving around...working as a team.  (They had bickered a time too many for Mama and it was teamwork time).  So I looked around at things that I seemed to have a lot of and decided we would walk the entire house and see how many of these items we could find.  With Valentines coming...Hearts were on my mind.  My photography business is HEARTSTORIES, my heart collection is large...but I never realized I was really even collecting them.  So we went around room by room and found hearts in each room. 

 (wow - need to clean that mirror!)

It was a lot of fun for the kids and we noticed that my love for hearts has carried over into Katherine's room too...

The kids noticed the smallest heart shape in the designs of iron, baskets, artwork and jewelry. 

Doing this little 'scavenger hunt' got our bodies moving and our minds working.  The kids were very aware of all the little details and how much Mama loves LOVE.  :)  I decided our next project would be to DECORATE for Valentines Day!!!  Normally we only decorate for Halloween, Christmas and Easter.  While I try to make a big deal out Valentines Day - being one of my top 3 holidays...I haven't decorated for it?!?!  Maybe its because I have hearts all over and am not sure how much more I can do.  ha

So Connor decided some heart beads should line the mantle...and Katherine and I made a chain of hearts to hang from the light over the table.  Then I was inpired to frame the Valentine card I created for family with a fun background.  I used a gift bag that I loved as the matting and attached ribbon.  It turned out pretty good.  (sorry about the heart 'wreath' photo...was taken with a cell phone for quick posting to share on facebook).

I started to think that maybe I enjoy CRAFTY!!!  So today we had ANOTHER snow day...and we worked on Valentines gifts. We put together gifts for friends, teachers and each other.

It was a great time off with the kids.  Looking back now at the end of the day...I believe we all NEEDED to slow down, reconnect and spend some time together.  I LOVED IT!!!

Teachers Make a Difference

Ran across these items from Connor's first grade teacher...
It was a hard year for Connor as his Mom and Dad were separated, Kindergarten was very different from FIRST grade (so were the teachers).  Everything felt like a struggle for him this particular year...but he overcame it.
Remembering where we've been so we can see where we are going!!!  Yay Connor!!!

several hard months lead up to this special note congratulating him on a good month - which led to many many many more!!

Fairy Godmother and Godfather

Still makes me giggle - Katherine was actually a fairy but she kept adding 'godmother' to it when people asked what she was going to be for Halloween.  Turned out great because Connor was a Gangster.  So we had the Fairy Godmother and The Godfather too!!

Mama was just a witch - with a W!

Good News!