Shifting Focus

So much of my focus has been on crisis, negative and trying to make good out of bad.  So lately I have been spending more time focusing on what is just GOOD!!!

My email from Connor - left for me one night to find after he was in bed.

 Katherine's Mother's Day card her preschool teachers help capture!!

Bad Dream and she went to sleep with Connor for comfort.

 Teachers that love my kids.  Rainy day carpool.

Hiding from a storm in the bathtub - Connor tells Katherine not to smile she should look scared.

Teacher Appreciation week - showing love to our teachers!! 

Katherine turns 4

Field trip with 2nd Grade - I chaperoned

Scout awards and leaders that really do care

Fun events - concentration and competition

Easter Bunny Cake - Egg Hunts and Family Time

Preschool Art - Middle one says HE IS RISEN!



Taking Steps & Making Progress

It's been so long since I've updated this...wow!  Those that know me already know the updates as I live my life as an open book.  But I also feel a sense to keep this blog updated so that if you just stumble across or meet me later in the 'story' that you can also be up to speed.  Not so sure why it matters to me other than that this is MY blog and MY STORY so I don't really want gaps or big holes running through it.  Those that know me ALSO know that I am big on details and try not to leave any out.

Well lots to tell - let me sum up...(in essence of time, not to diminish the experiences or events, I am bullet pointing the BIG stuff...I may elaborate some later as I see relevant or that I have been shown evidence that it was actually a turning point.)

• Kameron successfully completed treatment!
• Kameron hooked up with old 'friends' and relapsed a short time later
• He now lives with my parents of which I highly urged them all to avoid for so many reasons
• I have begun to focus on me - no longer willing to let anything or anyone steal my peace.

At first, I began attending Alanon online - mostly because I loved the family sessions while Kam was in treatment.  I thought the 12 step program for addicts was amazing.  I loved how they were taught to exam things deeply and to take a look closer at their responsibilities, powerlessness and need for God.  I loved the growth I saw in so many and believed that we all actually could benefit by going through a 12 step program to learn more about ourselves.  So I got involved.  At first online, then I began to make time for face to face meetings...there is a quiet suffering that happens when you learn and grow alone.  We are intended to have fellowship so I felt a strong pull to GO and be a part in person.

I also began to attend Celebrate Recovery - a Christ Centered 12 Step group that eliminates the 'higher power' vague term and puts GOD at the helm, where He should be.  I began to work my own 12 steps to heal from hurts, habits and hangups that I have been carrying around for years.  This is where I began to explore more my relationship with God...if I were going to 'let go & let God' then it was of utmost importance that I know HIM personally.  I could not hand over such precious people and parts over to HIM to care for if I did not fully trust HIM.  This lead me to begin attending church again.  We (me and the littles) went back to a church I had loved before marrying (which I left because it did not suit my husband). 

I also received a suggestion from a very dear friend to check out a new church in town.  She had a friendship with one of the guys helping to plant the church.  At first I listened online to their sermons, to get a feel without committing.  The timing and the message were perfect.  It took some adjusting to get to their services but until I could get there, I waited each week eagerly for the new audio posting to get plugged in again.  Finally I attended and now it feels like home.

At this moment, I feel I have come so far!!!  While there is a LOT of stress and turmoil around me in relation to family...I am amazingly peaceful and calm. So, I am now committing to write on a more regular basis again because there is a great amount of GOOD to share and this is the stuff that really matters.  I am learning that there is so much more to life than I have been living.  I am making great progress - not out for perfection...just progress & thanks for grace...that's exactly what God is looking for in me too!!

Higher Power?

This was written in April - When I joined an online Alanon (families of addicts) support group.  I desperately needed to connect and get some sense of 'serenity' and peace.  Having two small children made it difficult to attend meetings so I thought I would give it a try online.  The topic was 'Higher Power' (a generic term used to not turn anyone off - but the original 12 steps were founded on the Beattitudes and biblical scripture (which I learned recently thru another group - I will share later).  Here is my post...

Why is it that I only seek out God, when things are overwhelming? Rarely do I stop to even consider Him on an 'average' day. But when times are hard, emotions are high and energy is low... I plead for prayers from others. I guess I have been under the impression that I can handle average. I can't handle overwhelming. But why is it that I seek prayers rather than pray myself?? I considered this deeply recently.  When my son was in a psychiatric hospital suffering from drug induced psychosis and I was outside of the hospital losing my own mind. I felt so helpless and insignificant as I navigated through a very difficult situation and 'system'. I believed in God but always felt He was too intangible to really know, feel or trust. But this time He was ALL I knew that could make this better. I worried that my prayers alone could not express the urgency or importance of this need and being that I was already so 'insignificant' that it's quite possible the need would be clear but not heard. So I depended on others, I reached out to family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances and friends of friends. I requested prayers. I believed that out of a mass of prayers someone in there would be heard or simply the numerous requests for one person would create a stir that could not be ignored. People prayed, friends hugged, neighbors brought snacks, coworkers encouraged and I made it through.

I learned that the 'higher power' for me was actually in those I pleaded for prayers from. I'm hoping to eventually get to a place where I feel a 'relationship' and comfort from God himself and that he won't be so abstract to me. But until then I'm thankful to have found a power that is greater than me alone, for the time being, in the groups of people that love me and care for my family.

Another Week Over - At Last the beginning is here!!

I have been so bad about updating my blog this past week. Things seemed so overwhelming and I just could not sit and recount the events regularly. Let me just sum it up by saying that the next week was another trying, testing and scary time. Kam was having severe panic attacks and a few nights was in fear for his life. He believed that gang members were in the hospital that had something to do with his high school friends murders! (2 MNHS kids were killed upon walking into a robbery at a friends aunts house - 4 total were slain and it was a devastating event for our town, our kids and the families of those lost). He was panicked and crying - begged to leave and pleaded with staff to move him to where he was safe. He banged on doors to get out, pounded on windows, yelled at staff, cried and called me hysterical. It was awful to know he was so fearful and had no way to leave or to understand that his mind was playing games. (No one matched the description of the person he said was watching him). 

 I continued to travel the 2 hour path down the highway to see him and Mom stayed by my side thru it all. Spring Break trip plans were cancelled, meds were adjusted and more time passed.  And at last I visited one night and there was MY KAMERON!!! He reappeared and was really ready to get out of there!!!  The doctor held on to him to ensure that he maintained stable for 2 more days. During this time Kam became very hopeless again - this time feeling trapped and imprisoned. We were told release could be 'tomorrow' so many times that we all began to hate TOMORROW always being out of reach!!

At last 2 weeks after being admitted and 16 days after coming to me initially with request for help - he was released and able to move to TREATMENT!!!! But now all the beds were full at the facility we had planned for him to go and they expected only a couple, if any, to open up later that day. Centers are on a first come-first served basis and so Mom and I teamed up again to get Kameron where he NEEDED to be.

With 2 hours drive and an unknown wait time at hospital for discharge - we worried that openings would be filled before we even had Kameron with us!!!  So Mom agreed to go to treatment center and to represent Kam in the lobby and to make sure that any incoming patients formed a line BEHIND her :) Neither or us could bare the thought of Kam being turned away at this point.  Mom waited and we texted back in forth with updates. I have to say that my Mom is the absolute BEST partner and team mate that I could have ever asked for. She's my greatest allie in this world.

She waited for hours in one place while I waited for hours at the other. When at last Kameron came around the corner of the lobby, I cried uncontrollably. It felt so good to know he was finally going to treatment and that the hell of this psychiatric hospital stay was over. We held hands and walked through the parking lot in the sunshine and laughed as we talked about how this felt so unreal. We hugged and thanked each other and God for all that was behind us. 

We stopped at Whataburger for some JUNK FOOD with high calories and high fat!!  He gobbled down a big burger, fries and a shake as if he hadn't seen food in months. It was comforting to see my boy EAT again and to have back a healthy appetite. Its always made me feel good to see my kids eat well - it shows they are healthy and relaxed and its awesome to watch them get their fill and nourishment.

We arrived - at last - to treatment!!! Kam was happy, content and felt safe at last!!  Mom and I toured again with him and met with staff during his admittance. We hugged him hard, told him how proud we were and how very much he is loved. Then we left him in the good hands of God and treatment. 

He called me that night to say "thank you!"  All I could do was cry. Thanks be to God for my amazing son and for his journey to recovery that is NOW finally beginning!! 

"...we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

3/10 Hearing Day

Overnight I was struggling with a lot of fear...I was having an impossible time being at peace with the next facility we would take Kameron too.  I struggled with fear over how inconsistent he is still and was nearly paralyzed with fear of being rejected again at another treatment center because of the psychiatric concerns.

We arrived at court very early and when the attorney came in she arranged for me to meet with the doctor to discuss the commitment, my concerns and his reports to date.  We determined that filing a continuance which will provide additional time for increased stability with more consistency. He is still very confused, has reported still hearing voices and has needed emergency medications on a twice daily schedule. Dr sees that times are consistent with meds wearing off and will up dosing frequency or levels to see if this helps prevent emergency med need.
If he sees stabilizing with additional days and medication dosing then he
can release him then without court. Otherwise we will reconvene in court
in a wk if it takes that long to revisit the decision and recommendations.
I was now at peace.  My ONLY concern was how Kameron would take it.  I hate hurting him or having him sad, but knew in my heart of hearts that this was again the absolute best decision for him in the long run.  His attorney talked w/ him about this before we finalize with requesting the court. He understands that he's getting more time to stabilize and for the panic attacks and anxiousness to subside. He knows I'm going to be working hard to find
absolute best place for him while he continues to level. He didn't react mad or angry or sad.

Mom and I left with a weight lifted and a calming as we now had time to go check out some facilities and could rest assured that Kameron would have more time to have meds adjusted and to become consistently stabilized.  We spent the day looking at an incredible facility that we are hopeful will have an opening when Kameron is ready.  It's beautiful with a great environment and atmosphere for thriving and for life!!!  ((I am not going to mention names here because Kameron needs some privacy and we cannot risk his safety with bad influences locating him and reconnecting at such a critical time)).

Mom and I had a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel and shopped awhile there too.  Nothing can distract from worries and weariness like that gift shop!!  We bought a couple surprises for my littles - Connor & Katherine and just took it slowly for a while.  We drove by a beautiful hotel/spa and went in to tour it for a bit - again a wonderful distraction to the chaos and pain going on in our family.  When it got close to time - we headed back out and down the highway, through rush hour ridiculous traffic and returned to Kameron for visiting hours. 

When we arrived he was VERY clear!!  I was stunned and so excited because it was as if nothing ever happened!!!!!  He had his regular clothes on, had showered, told me about meds changing, a group meeting he had, time with doctor and just all around great day!!  We talked about the treatment center Mom and I had viewed and he asked about going.  When we reminded him of the doctors need to level meds to keep him feeling good he started to panic and react again.  He shared with us that he was fearful and believed that one of the other patients there with tatoos was in the same gang that had been involved in a murder that took place in our town when he was in high school.  (Two of his friends were killed when they walked into a robbery at one of the kids aunts house).  He began crying and frantically trying to explain that he was in danger.  He called for his nurse and doctor and for police.  He spiralled quickly out of control and was hysterically crying out for help.  The nurses suggested we cut our visit short and they gave him some fast acting medicine and tried to calm him.  Mom and I left the visiting area and went into the nurses station to talk with nurse...and heard a loud pounding on the door/glass..Kameron. :(

It broke my Mom down and was devestating to see how quickly things went from incredibley wonderful to terribley wrong again.  It confirmed my fears that he was not yet stable enough to leave.  I am seeing some positives in this though.  That murder of his high school friends occurred right before he began to have issues with drugs and alcohol.  I truly believe that all the things he has been pushing down and trying not to feel are now coming to the surface.  He has been drug free for 8 days now and it's only natural that some of what he has tried NOT to feel will now come out.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting so deeply.  The more intense the episodes are the more deeply go the scars. 

I am reassured as the good - when I see it - is almost 100% the Kameron we all know and love.  But I am very scared that the bad is still there and is consistently appearing a couple times a day with a need for extreme treatment to help him through it.  Please continue to pray for Kameron's mind to heal from the drugs and for his heart to heal from hurt.  God is good and in control.

Catching Up on Updates

So much transpires in a day and now I have gone a couple days without an update...Hope I can recall the past couple days without a long dissertation again...

Tuesday was a full day of calls for me - I had originally planned to leave to head Kam's way that morning with Mom to set up at hotel and make my calls from there...but the usual lately is that nothing goes as planned...so I was home til about 4:15 on the phone ALL DAY. 

Talk to County Attorney at DA's office - The Doctor has stated he wants to release Kameron on "FURLOUGH" status. Basically committing him but releasing him to follow dr orders or get additional care and if within 90 days if he does not follow orders then they can take him back into their care or state facility. It was explained to me that this is a 'safety net' as if he does need emergency care again that he will not be denied and will be taken back in to where he was originally taken on Wed night.

The recommendation is both good and a relief and also of great concern to me.
Good - he can now go get the drug treatment he needs and we can do in an inpatient facility. I believe we can determine this on our own with insurance.
Bad - he will be COMMITTED ON FURLOUGH...which would work like a probation would and he would then have the lifelong tag of being committed. Just as with criminal courts - probation does not clear the charge just clears the punishment.

As family we have committed already to Kameron's future and treatment. He does not need the mental 'commitment' on his back for life. He is 21 years old and no past history of mental illness, just drug abuse. Doctor and I are in agreement that his psychiatric needs are due to drug induced psychosis, not mental illness and overtime this should level out.  He doesn't deserve the lifelong stigma that goes along with this - he already has a battle to fight with 'recovering drug addict'.  I discussed this with his attorney and she agreed.

Mom and I went to visit Kameron.  It was a nice visit and he was excited that court was coming tomorrow.  His disposition was generally happy and calm for the most part.  He was really showing love and compassion to all those other patients around us that were without family visiting.  He introduced us to every person there and invited them to sit with us.  He was a gentle friend to an elderly lady named Ann.  He complimented her eyes, her hair, trying to make her smile.  He comforted her as she talked about her fears.  He was polite and pulled people in to our talks that we sitting across the room alone.  I was so happy to see his HEART again and could feel that his compassion was genuine.  He was feeling hopeful about leaving and felt bad for the ones that would remain.  They all hugged him and commented to me and Mom about how good of a boy he is and he made everyone smile.  But when it was time to leave he broke down.  Begging us to take him - crying and panicking again.  We told him that court was in the morning and we would know more then.
It was such a hard night at this point because I became very concerned about how quickly his stable appearance changes. He is still getting emergency meds to calm him TWICE DAILY and I dreaded him being released and then sent away AGAIN from a treatment center that will not take him with psychiatric instability. 

Moving ahead to court hearing on Thursday -
Mom and I got a room near the hospital for court the next morning.  I am so proud of the DEAL I got!!!  We sat at Panera Bread at 9pm on our laptops searching for a room with a decent rate in a good part of the town near by.  I named my own price on Priceline.com and booked it.  We stayed in a $229 a night room at the downtown Hilton for $69!  It was Mom's birthday and I was so happy to have a nice room with her instead of Laquinta or Days Inn in icky-ville.  The bathroom had Crabtree and Evelyn soaps, lotions and bath gels so I presented the lovely assortment to Mom as her birthday gift! :)  She was such a good sport.  Our beds were amazing and room was so nice - we slept well from about 11:30 til 6:30 - and headed to court. 

3/8 Tuesday - Update

My employee benefit of Legal Assistance Services has provided me with an attorney contact....We talked briefly about situation and he is checking with another attorney on getting case numbers and some other info for me.  He will call back. 

I asked him about setting up a Power of Attorney (POA) for making health care decisions FOR Kameron or on his behalf...as my family and I believe that if this in place and Kameron remains unstable, then I can speak for him and have more control on what happens next.  For a good part of the morning I worked on setting up a POA for Kameron to present to him and see what he thought about signing this. 

I talked to nurse today and she said Kam's meds were adjusted again.  She said I could call him as he was not with dr at that time or in a group - I called and Kam sounded very irritated - he said WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  I said - just calling to check on you honey, how are you today?  He very abruptly says - DON'T CALL ME HERE!  I said - why?  whats wrong Kameron?  He says - JUST STOP CALLING ME HERE!  I said - can I come and see you?  He says - YES and hung up.  Later I learned that he had to be medicated around this time.  I am not sure the extent of his behavior but if it was more of what I heard on the phone, I believe that he could have been talked down through this instead.  

Tuesday night I went to see Kameron. I actually did see KAMERON!
He stood right up and hugged me. A few times he said he was feeling a panic attack coming on so I encouraged him to breath and calm down...we talked about light subjects for a while and he calmed. He recognized a nurse walking by and called out, "Jenny" She turned to him and he said, "you were my nurse" . She thought for a minute and said - yes, I was when you were in the ER (that was the first day - wed!!) My mouth dropped that he remembered her NAME and recognized her and could recall anything from that time. She was surprised too and said he looked much better.


He was overall good - still some foggy confusion issues but not at all like I have seen over the past several days. He and I talked about how he is feeling trapped - not sure he is in the right place anymore as he cannot relate to other patients, there is no activity and he feels like his mind is clear. Because of the Order of Protective Custody he feels like he is even more trapped - which makes him almost like a caged animal at times where he pounds on the nurses station door and gets very angry. He got up a couple times while we talked and knocked on the door to the nurses station. When he came back I asked why he does that...he said because I need to talk to a nurse and no one talks to me!


I told him about the court hearing coming up and explained the Power of Attorney - he said where's the pen? I explained that we need 2 witnesses and a notary and that we need help from a nurse or doctor to get it done legally. He stood up and asked for a nurse. When she came he said - My Mom and I need to see a doctor. They stated dr leave at 5 and so he felt defeated and sat back down. A few min later he started breathing heavy and crying - feeling trapped again. He said several people have been discharged since he arrived and he is scared he will be there forever. He is very overwhelmed now with FEELING and discomfort from being 'trapped' with NOTHING to do. He mentioned he still needs drug treatment - which is why some of these outbursts are happening...he is reacting as an addict that has no idea how to cope so he cries and breaths hard then asks for meds to help prevent a panic attack...throws a fit til he gets medicated (Emergency meds). Nurses have to medicate when he gets punching walls or violent because if he hurts some one then police have to be called. Personally I believe what I was watching was Kameron as a little boy who knows how to work it til he gets his way. Plus some foggy and unclear thinking still...but not a mental patient...more behavioral - which is covered in drug treatment.


I talked to the nurse after 10 - he (nurse) agreed that Kam is in need for drug treatment - he said they have a chemical dependency group next door and that in the unit he is in that they also have daily groups for the same. He said now that Kam is more stable and psychosis has not been an issue - that he would recommend that Kameron take part in those groups. I was SOOOOO glad to hear that!!!! He also said that when Kam starts to 'panic' or throw a fit (as I call it) then he would try talking firm to him like I did a few times tonight saying - Kameron! Just breath and calm yourself. You are frustrated but need to appropriately work through that. This behavior will only keep you here longer!!!! It worked when I saw it starting...but then again I am MOMMY still and he knows how to push my buttons and I know which ones are his off switches too :)


My plan for the day on Wed...call AGAIN and AGAIN AND AGAIN to request conversation with the doctor...and will be pushing hard for him to get into the chemical dependency group!!!! frustrated I am sure...poor Kam is active and there is NOTHING to do but go down one short hall way and around a circle of waiting room chairs. He had the Newsweek magazine memorized!!!!


When I left he was very sad and feeling super trapped. The fact that he is standing up and asking for doctors and nurses now is a huge thing!!! He is speaking up some for himself although still not super confident in doing that so acts out when no results. I asked the nurse to note for doctor my comments about needing drug treatment to start NOW and to try to talk him down from the panic attacks rather than medicate all the time. Mom and I are heading that way to stay in a hotel tomorrow night for the early morning through hearing. I plan to be a crazy calling fool tomorrow if someone doesn't return a call soon!!!!


Overall - good night with him. Much more like the old days with him!!!! Now I see issues are mostly drug treatment ready!! :)


Please pray for that he continues to stabilize and that he gets some drug treatment or tomorrow!!!!