A Scary State of Mind

It is so hard to keep everyone updated...so sometimes I ramble on responding to one email and then later realize that would be a good one to update several...so I am posting this one on the blog.  I feel that I have not fully explained how severe this situation is when it comes to Kam's mental challenges and and to describe the facility and some of his concerning behavior.

please if you pray, pray hard!!  We need to see some improvement soon or the fear of long term issues is greater.

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Its far worse than I can explain.

We are very concerned because he is having psychotics episodes where he is hearing voices and seeing demons.  He is in a daze or very emotional.  He has cried out several times a day for his DAD - usually meaning his birth dad that disappeared from his life when he was 2.  He has talked about needing his Dad and refers to Bobby, his step dad.

He has had to be sedated because he was very amped up at one point and wanted to pray with other patients and trying to 'lay hands' on people to heal them.  He says he is so tired from trying to heal people...He has fallen asleep and awoke with heavy crying saying.  He talks about how he has seen far too much evil and cannot get it out of his mind.

Its all mixed up in his mind and I believe much of this is sincere heart felt hurt that some have left him in his life and that others need him but he can't seem to help.  I am trying to explain that he needs to focus on himself only right now so that he can begin to heal.  He begs me to take him to a different place - one that is less insane asylum feeling...he says people where he is are good but there is so much bad in the world - its his way of describing how he knows they are trying to help.  But he is scared of how long he will be at this place.  To be honest it is very scary to me to see him here - so institutionalized feeling.  He stares into space and whispers...he stares into my eyes and begs me to go home...then gets a blank look and closes his eyes. 

The nurse today told me that sometimes when kids start using drugs as teens when the brain and emotions are still developing that it can spark a mental illness like schizophrenia or other psychotic illnesses.  She also comforts me with the fact that some of this may just be drug induced, made worse by lack of sleep, food and added fears, withdrawals etc and will over time level off and he will be back to himself.  Obviously that is helpful to calm my worries some - so they are giving him anti psychotic meds to help stop the voices and scary parts - and he is sleeping a lot because he just doesn't know what to do with himself there.  He looks like a mental patient with a dragging of his feet when he walks and a blank look on his face...his hair is a mess and he wrings his hands.  But every once in a while he talks very normal and asks about things going on outside of there - soccer games or family members, asks me to help him move out of where he lives and so on...

All I can do is pray and work hard to make a way for healing for him.  I just need to see him level off and stabilize...

no treatment can happen until he is stable.  He is the the most severe mental illness unit at the hospital where most of the patients have been put there against their will.  The nurse did tell me he could over time do better and be moved to more functioning patients that don't hear voices or wander aimlessly around.

Its just so unreal...absolutely unreal.

I can't even believe I am looking at my 21 year old son when I see him like this...he is like an old homeless man that has no one...someone you would walk quickly past and feel pity for.  Its so so so much worse than I can explain.

Thank you for your prayers - it is the GREATEST gift you can give us.