When I visited with Kameron on Saturday one of the things he asked about was if I was taking care of his 'stuff'. I asked him to clarify which 'stuff' he was concerned about. He said - what's going on with my apartment? I said, do you want to go back there? He said, "No!! Too many bad memories, I have to get out of there". So I reassured him that I had it taken care of and he was not going to ever have to return there. I was so thankful to hear that he wanted out and that a move would ultimately help to save him from reconnecting with some of the kids he has been involved with.
This Mama wasted NO time with this request...On Sunday morning I picked up some boxes and my friend Joy, then we headed to his apartment. We spent all afternoon there reclaiming his LIFE in many ways!!! I explained as we walked in that I couldn't really understand why but that I felt we needed to do this move very orderly. I didn't want to throw everything in boxes in a rush, only to have to sort through it later. I guess there has been so much out-of-control-chaos that I just needed this to be slower and with some control. It was a must to me that we methodically work room by room sorting, labeling and neatly packing away the items of value or that fit within the picture of the life he deserved ahead.
Joy knows me well and understood exactly what I meant so we worked as a team - starting in the kitchen...we moved through the apartment and storage closet together.
We sorted and organized into piles of decor, electronics, books, memory items, personal use, kitchen, clothing, and more. As we came across items that were a clear reminder of what kind of chaos has gone on there - she would hand it to me and I would throw it into a deep black trash bag. (She enjoyed watching me THROW it away - Some things received much more enthusiasm to get rid of and I would SLAM them into the trash and say NO MORE!) We threw away trash, broken items, drug related miscellaneous things, and stuff that just didn't fit the picture of a GOOD LIFE and THRIVING. As we filled trash bags, we cleared them out by throwing them onto the patio. Yes, THROWING them! :) We boxed items to keep, labeled them and stacked them neatly by the door to go down three flights to my van.
By the end of the day the apartment smelled better and felt calmer. I realized that I was now sitting at the table and breathing slower - more relaxed and at peace. I thanked her for letting me 'process' through this with her and we talked for a while about the recent events, my fears, my hopes and my faith in God to heal my son. I told her I was having a hard time feeling COMFORT from Him. I explained that friends can wrap their arms around me and I FEEL that...but when I pray it feels so insignificant and intangible. I cried because I felt so helpless, hopeless and scared at times. We talked for almost an hour about it all. When we began the day the place felt dark, heavy and overwhelming - I was shakey and nervous and not comfortable at all being there...after our work it just felt better.
By now it was getting late and I was feeling bad that my littles (Connor and Katherine) were being tucked in and I was missing the good night kisses. So we packed up the van and locked the apartment up until next time when we will only need to focus on larger furniture items. When I dropped Joy off she prayed with me, hugged me and told me she loved me. On the drive home alone, I kept the stereo off. I considered the day and realized I was finally feeling COMFORT. My heart was warm as I remembered the relief I felt as I came across items under the mess that showed where Kam's focus was before it got covered up. I could see the apartment we were so excited to move him into and the life he originally intended set up underneath.
A photo of Connor on his bathroom mirror, a framed poem written by my brother, gifts from a girlfriend he chose when things were good in his life, memories from childhood and reminders of who he IS inside - all good things. There was order and organization under the mess that tried to hide it. But once we filled those trash bags of all the things that distracted him from HIS LIFE - then all the sudden I realized that his life was shining through. There was something very therapeutic in throwing things away and tying off the bags and removing it all from site! There was something calming in placing his things neatly in boxes with such order that someday when it is right then he can unpack and set up his new home and future. It was good to store away with such care and respect the items that deserved a place in his future and to leave behind those that in no way matched that vision.
For the FIRST time since this all began, I felt calm inside and felt order and healing beginning. Thank you God for sending COMFORT to me in big and small ways today. And thank you HEFTY for big black trash bags to remove the junk and to get it out of site.
This photo was taken when Kameron first moved into his apartment. The kids, my Mom and I came over to help him decorate and set up. It was a fun day and Kam was so excited about the future.
This photo was taken when Kameron first moved into his apartment. The kids, my Mom and I came over to help him decorate and set up. It was a fun day and Kam was so excited about the future.
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